 |
|
|
|
About IMAO Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!  Buy funniest book ever!  IMAO Podcasts IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter
 Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!
About IMAO
If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK. About Frank J. Bloggers: Frank J. Harvey RightWingDuck Cadet Happy spacemonkey Laurence Simon SarahK Popular Categories
Fred Thompson FactsJohn Edwards Fabulous Facts lolterizt IMAO Condensed Know Thy Enemy Editorials Frank the Artist In My World Other Content
Ode to ViolenceBrief Histories IMAO Audio Bits  Read the Essay Own the Shirt Peace Gallery Search IMAO
Testimonials
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds "Unfunny treasonous ronin!" -Lou Tulio* "You, sir, are a natural born killer." -E. Harrington "You'll never get my job! Never!!!" -Jonah Goldberg "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO." -No One of Consequence "A blogger with a sense of humor." -Some Woman on MSNBC Blogroll
Ace of Spades HQThe Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler Blackfive Captain's Quarters Classical Values Conservative Grapevine The Corner The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!) Dave in Texas Eject! Eject! Eject! Electric Venom Hot Air Puppy Blender La Shawn Barber's Corner Michelle Malkin Pereiraville Protein Wisdom Rachel Lucas Right Wing News Scrappleface Serenity's Journal Townhall Blog IMAO Blogroll Bad Example Cadet Happy The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles mountaineer musings Right Wing Duck  This Blog Is Full of Crap Fred Thompson Links Fred File Blogs for Fred Fred Thompson Facts Awards
|
September 15, 2004
Forged Documents Are Crucial to Good Journalism
An Editorial by Frank J.
The world is a wondrous place, isn't it? No, it is not. In fact, the world is extremely boring and always has been. Yeah, when the continents shifted apart, that was notable. That advent of advanced forms of life was worth some interest. Other than that, really nothing of note has happened. Early man just sat around doing boring things like making clay pots, and early journalists told stories about how everyone was sitting around doing boring things like making clay pots. It was horrible. Then came the advent of forged documents The first forged document dates back to 21,000 B.C., though the people showing it at the time said it was written in 21,034 B.C. It's a cave painting of hunters taking down a woolly mammoth (an animal which never actually existed). Some at the time pointed out how the brownish-red paint used for the mammoth had not been invented back in the 30's (21,030's, I mean). Those people were quickly shouted down, and the legend continues to this day. From then on, there have been tons of great stories in human history... all fraudulent. One of the best examples is the Bible. Any handwriting expert worth his salt will admit that the source material for the more exciting parts of the Bible does not match up with documents known to have been penned by the hand of the Almighty. The original Bible simply wasn't selling very well, so the faithful decided to spice it up. Most likely, the Israelites happened to find boats when they reached the Red Sea, but the obviously forged sea parting story was considered much more exciting. Another great example comes from paleontologists. All extinct animals they discovered were just more boring variations of living lizards and rats. So, in 1858, William Parker Foulke made a fossil out of plaster which was later named a "dinosaur." Because this increased interest in biology many more "fossil finds" soon followed (today's dinosaur fossils are made from a much more sophisticated plastic). Then there's American history. All documents about the supposed “Revolutionary War” used penning techniques that were not available until the early 19th century. What really happened was that the colonists said that they wanted to be their own country, and Britain was like, "Aight." Later on, this simply didn't seem like an interesting way for a country to be founded, so the whole war with the British tale was invented which got great play in the media. I could keep going on, but the point is that any interesting story you ever heard is based on a forged document and never happened because the world is an extremely boring place. Now, with the advent of blogging, we have all these wiseasses in pajamas suddenly pointing out documents are forged and ruining everyone's fun. If you're wondering why Rather's documents are such crude forgeries, it’s because it used to be taboo to point such things out. So there is the choice we have now; we can have a rich history full of grand epics, or we can pat ourselves on the back for how smart we are for showing how the Dead Sea Scrolls were made with WordPerfect. And just one final thing for those who think it was so great to prove the documents saying Bush was AWOL are forged: There was no Vietnam War! There isn't even a country called Vietnam! Journalist decided a war would work great for the news cycle, and then some wise ass thought it would be a neat twist if we loss in the end. All the people who thought they were in "Vietnam" were actually in the jungles of Brazil. John Kerry got all three purple hears hurting himself in a pool in a sound stage in Hollywood. I have a co-worker who claimed to have escaped Vietnam with his family when the war ended, but, after badgering him, I got him to admit he was actually Korean and was paid by NBC to say that story to keep the "Vietnam War" story alive. Now that you know the truth, do you feel happy? No you don't. So stop questioning any more documents the media presents you unless you want the news to be filled with stories about people making clay pots. Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Cool Pictures of Stuff on Fire" and "A Big Thick Book to Hide a Gun In" (with a foreword by Charlton Heston). You're a bad man Frank J., but a funny one. Second! and two is bigger than one. heh. As far as evolution, I can DIS-prove ANY theory that tries to date the Earth according to evolutionary standards. Try me. My email addy is AkRonin@Gmail.com. Come one come all. From the theories of how fast ice grows to the accumulation of dust on the moon. From the strata (layers of rock) of the Earth to the red-shift of the universe. .....Bring it./... suckas
-hard-core christianity backed by PROOF of the scientific kind. It would help if Rather would get with the times and adapt to the latest technology. If you're going to keep up with forged document thing, you have to at least put in some effort. I remember it was important for me to adapt to changing technology when I found that time machine and helped Adolph Hitler "commit suicide". (Brazil in 1987 was fun.) All I can say is, I am glad you are on our side, Frank. Or we are on your side. Or .. . oh, well. :) #6 - Posted by: MountainMama on September 15, 2004 08:08 AMThis article is so fake! 1) The letters "L" and "E" were invented at 7:03 AM this morning, and did not even exist at 06:49 AM. The letter "J" has not even been invented yet. 2) And what's up with putting a zero before the post time? AF555-24 clearly stipulates that military time does not include a suffix, and civilian time does not include the zero prefix. 3) Also, adjectives would have been prohibitively expensive for everyday usage by the blogging public. If they can only afford pajamas to blog in, how could they possibly afford a $17,000 thesaurus? PUHLEEEEASE! #7 - Posted by: hatless in hattiesburg on September 15, 2004 08:13 AMFrank, You could do a lot of damage in Mainland China #8 - Posted by: Rob on September 15, 2004 10:10 AMYou give us a tough choice. What kind of clay pots are we talking about? #9 - Posted by: mike_rdr on September 15, 2004 10:31 AMMoses: "Oh no! The Red Sea is up ahead! What will we....Hey! Boats!! Thousands and thousands of them! What are the chances??!! Praise The One Who's Name We Cannot Speak (Jehovah)!" Yeah, that's the ticket....! #10 - Posted by: jonag on September 15, 2004 10:57 AMThe Dead See Scrolls are clearly a direct ASCI file created by the only availlable first century computer: The comodore PET #11 - Posted by: greg zywicki on September 15, 2004 10:59 AMOkay, Frank. You're a hilarious fella and all, but don't cross the wrong line and slander the word of God. S.M.I.T.E. might become the least of your worries. #12 - Posted by: Beo on September 15, 2004 11:21 AMViet Nam really is a hoax! Ho Chi Minh was really Colonel Sanders in yellow-face! Oliver Stone invented Viet Nam so that he'd have something to write movies about, just like how he made up that whole thing about Kennedy being shot. There was no such man as "John F. Kennedy"!! It's all true! Horribly, horribly true! #13 - Posted by: AWG on September 15, 2004 11:23 AMI picked up a copy of Cool Pictures of Stuff on Fire and every single picture is fraudulent. But I liked the picture of Elmo anyway. #14 - Posted by: Wolf's Dawn on September 15, 2004 11:58 AMMan, I don't know whether to bow or just give a round of applause after you write something this funny Frank... But then again, I read this website for the comments that come after too, cause they are Damn funny! And Wolf's Dawn? is that "Saint" or "Tickle Me"....? #15 - Posted by: LokiDoki on September 15, 2004 12:31 PMMy goodness...Frank; this time I think you may have gone too far. Revisionist history? Leave that to the left. Towards the end, after I realized you weren't serious, it became somewhat funny, but...whoa... We have always been at war with Eastasia. Don't be ridiculous; houses have always been fireproof. #16 - Posted by: antodav on September 15, 2004 12:31 PMBig Brother would be soo proud of you, Frank. If you hadn't revealed the whole conspiration. Now this editorial will have to be rewritten and it's all your fault. #17 - Posted by: kyber on September 15, 2004 12:39 PM"What really happened was that the colonists said that they wanted to be their own country, and Britain was like, "Aight." " ROTFLMAO Keep up the good work, I need the stress relief. SSG Ken I am with Beo. LokiDoki, I forgot about that waste of space St. Elmo's Fire. I wonder how that could happen? Anyway, it presents a problem. If I had but one match, would I torch Elmo the Annoying, or St. Elmo's the Dumb. Both are vomit-inducing. I guess I would go with the overgrown sock puppet as long as he was screaming, "Hope is on the way!" until he could scream no more. :) #20 - Posted by: Wolf's Dawn on September 15, 2004 01:31 PMLOL. You just outdid yourself yet again... #21 - Posted by: MK on September 15, 2004 03:22 PMWe never actually declared war on Viet Nam so there was no war. So we didn't lose, we just ceased "policing" the area. #22 - Posted by: Kevin Maher on September 15, 2004 04:04 PMPost a comment
|
Buy IMAO T-Shirts 
 
 
IMAO T-Shirts
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe (winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!! Yay! Books!
Capitalism
Archives
By Category
24American Idol Aqua-Adventures Barackalypse Now Best of IMAO 2002 Best of IMAO 2006 Bite-Sized Wisdom Editorials Election 2008 Filthy Lies Frank Answers Frank Discussions Frank on Guns Frank Reads the Bible Frank the Artist Fred Thompson Facts Friday Cat-Blogging Fun Trivia Hellbender Hellbender Take Two Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths Humor I Hate Frank If I Were President ignis fatuous IMAO Condensed IMAO Exclusives IMAO for the Non-Deaf IMAO Reviews IMAO Think Tank In My World In My World - Fan Fiction John Edwards Fabulous Facts Know Thy Enemy lolterizt Michael Moore Mitt Romney Ads News Round-Up Newsish Fakery No, McCain't Our Military Permalink Contest Precision Guided Humor Assignments Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul Ronin Profiles Ronin Thought of the Day SarahK's TV stuff Scary Evil Monkey Simpsons Trivia Songs & Poems State of the Frank Report Superego Totally True Tidbits WEsistance Is Facile Why Me Laugh? Yvonne's Ashes By Month
December 2008September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006 July 2006 June 2006 May 2006 April 2006 March 2006 February 2006 January 2006 December 2005 November 2005 October 2005 September 2005 August 2005 July 2005 June 2005 May 2005 April 2005 March 2005 February 2005 January 2005 December 2004 November 2004 October 2004 September 2004 August 2004 July 2004 June 2004 May 2004 April 2004 March 2004 February 2004 January 2004 December 2003 November 2003 October 2003 September 2003 August 2003 July 2003 June 2003 May 2003 April 2003 March 2003 February 2003 January 2003 December 2002 November 2002 October 2002 September 2002 August 2002 July 2002 March 1933
|
Stumble It!
An Editorial by Frank J."