The assault against a chimp would be animal cruelty.
I'm not sure if fingerprints can be taken from the skin of an apple, I would imagine it would be extremely difficult.

First...

If the apple remained intact upon impact, then it would probably retain the fingerprints for an hour or so, but if it were not immediately found, the rotting process would take over pretty quickly and destroy all evidence. That's assuming a lot, since the likelihood is that it will NOT remain intact. Even if it did, the other chimps in the enclosure would take advantage of the situation and have a snack.

I'd claim self defense. The monkey threw first. I can type up some documents to back that story up pdq.

just type up some "official" zoo documents saying you were provoked by the monkey

do you need another alibi?
*sigh*
ok, i'm here for you, sweetness.

You ever see those little finger-cots? They look like thimbles, but are made of latex or something.

American Science and Surplus sells them. I've used them when doing paint touch-up work and didn't want My hands getting all sweaty.

You could probably wear those on your fingers and still be able to get a good grip on a round object.

Funny you should mention the zoo. Me and my woman are gettin ready to walk out the door to go to the Knoxville zoo.

Wish me luck that I won't end up hitting a chimp over the head with a banana.

toodles.

What kind of apple?

If you threw an apple into a cage with chimps, the other chimps would probably eat it right up. So you really don't have to worry.

Okay. The important thing to know have ready are your alibis.

You're gonna get caught. No problem - criminals have all the rights

Here are your top excusess.

I'm sorry - I thought he was Ralph Nader.

or depending on demographic

I'm sorry - I thought he was John Kerry.

Hey, that monkey was price gouging! We're ALL victims here

Sir, that is a West Nile Monkey - I had to do it.

Okay. I hit him. How come he didn't fall into the dunking booth! and where's my PRIZE!

Today is Talk LIke a Pirate day? I thought it was Hit a Monkey with An Apple day! My bad.

Sir, that wasn't an apple - that is a Worm Containment System. The very latest from NASA.

And your best excuse....

He started it! I just threw an apple - he threw poop.

I knew those were ducky's comments before I even got half way through!! Silly funny!!

I agree with the others though. I'm sure the apple was snapped up and eaten before it had barely touched the ground (unless it's still imbedded in the monkey).

Hmmm...better watch out. Sounds like a perfect opportunity for PETA to sew and get a judge to rule that monkeys are people too.

I think you could make the case you were just FEEDING the chimp. Very hard feeding but none the less, just feeding really fast. And while forbidden, feeding would certainly be a misdemeaner at the most, hardly worth prosecuting.

And the others would consume the evidence in any event, sort of like the stabbing with an icicle theory. No weapon, motive, no case. Just those pesky eyewitnesses to deal with and with an alibi who is going to believe THEM?

As a monkey I can tell you that apple was eaten up.

Even if it wasn't its not like the cops are all like those CSI folks on the TV. They can't even solve 40% of all murders so I think you are good on a walk by apple’ in of a lesser primate. See that’s why we throw poop, its harder to get fingerprints off it and no one wants to try. And they would have to figure out that it was that hypothetical apple that was used. If they did figure it out they would most likely try to lift the DNA out of your bite marks.

Plus it the cops do show up just grab a hot coffee pot and blister up your throwing hand, hypothetically of course. Can’t help with the DNA.

hahaha

you've been a bery bery baaaad boy

luckilly for you, they will not dust the apple for finger prints

trust me

Don't do it again though, because they will be watching from now on and you can bet, the next time your ass will be paying a mean fine and barred from the zoo (which is a much worse outcome)
;-)

Frank... just keep Chomps next to you when they come investigating. You won't have to worry about a thing.

hehe... Oh, and if they persist, call up Rummy and tell him that the monkey was a hippy. You will have a pardon in no time at all.

I would go with “Re-enactment of Space Odyssey 2001“
However I was involved in a nearly identical incident involving a Peace Protester wearing a ABB t-shirt and a ripe Tomato. They charged me under the same cruelty to animals statute. I prevailed by using the infamous Chewbacca Defense.

I don't know Frank
Thats the craziest thing I've heard all week.
[shaking head in disbelief]
Nothing will happen to you (or whoever threw the apple) Just don't go back to the zoo for a while...

Oh, and let's not forget the MOST important question -

Did you want your apple back?

I think this all depends on the type of apple. Now, are we talking Granny Smith or Red Delicious, or some other absurd type of apple?

I also would bet it would depend on the simian, Chimpanzee was specified, but if it was a howler monkey or something instead you'd definitely be boned.

Also, were the planets aligned or the moon full?

Frank,

Nice shot.

I think if anyone asks you were throwing the apple to the monkeys, you know, like a friendly game of catch, and one of them got hit in the head accidentally.

Everybody knows you wouldn't intentionally do anything to harm... oh, crap. Well, don't mention your blog.

There is a type of apple called the Monkeypopper Golden. With a name like that what do they expect people to do with it. It also bakes well.

Dude, you just harshed my mellow.

Yep. It's still funny.

If an apple falls in the monkey cage and no zookeeper is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

I think you may have a legitimate case if you can atest to the fact that the monkey in question bore a striking resemblance to Jonah Goldberg.

I believe you can be prosecuted under the Monkeyshine Law.

It will depend if you grip on the apple was proportionally-spaced or evenly mono-spaced. Don't rely on "grip experts", they will stab you in the back. Get that little blind & senile old lady that was behind you to testify that even tho she believes you did throw the apple, both she & you haven't found anyone who disputes the honesty of your statements.

Watch out for the zookeeper-general tho. If he opens his mouth, he can blow your story to smithereens!

Sincerely,
Dan.

Dan it's "though"..."though" you embicile!!

Ahhhh!!! What do you expect from Mr. Dan Blather anyway?

The only solution for you is to do the following:

1. Sandpaper all your fingerprints away.

2. Pull all your teeth.

3. Hide under the bed.

Oh, no. Wait a minute, I am wrong. That was my list of actions for Dan Rather...

Dan Patterson

How about destruction of public property?

BTW, your blog succeeds admirably in employing the third of my three rules for making anything you say automatically hilarious:

1. Say it loud.
2. Say it repeatedly.
3. Include references to monkeys.

I salute you.

Frank J.:

You seem to need a lot of alibis.

What you really need is a cleaner.

I know a guy... name of Victor... very professional, and very QUIET. I'll hook you up.

The skin of an apple will retain an excellent print. There are 3 components to latent prints. 1) water (sweat) 2) fatty oils and 3) amino acids. Latent prints that have been used for courtroom presentation (at least 8 to 12 unique points of identification) have been lifted from items that were touched over twenty years in the past. The amino acids last a very long time; fortunately, apples don't.
SO? Skin the apple, then slam the slimy simian silly .

Ancient Chinese proverb for Joshua (all in good fun of course): Man who misspell imbecile should not correct orthography of others. ;)

I would also recommend cutting the apple in a way to keep its structural integrity in flight, yet fragment into many pieces upon impact. The granny smith hollow point?

There are probably cameras all over the place. They won't need to dust for prints. You're screwed.

Then there's always "What? You mean that was a monkey?! I thought it was John Kerry on the campaign trail...and you know how hungry those guys get on the 'trail.' The secret service guys wouldn't let me get close enough so I had to toss it. Can I help it if I'm a bad aim?" Into sleeve..."heh, heh..."

Sorry, I'm not sure about an Apple. But my PC always has prints on the monitor. And don't even get me started about my old Timex-Sinclair !

PETA will be knocking at your door any moment now...

I remember back to my days in high school chemistry, the most fun and interesting part of which was glass-bending. I also remember the day I burned the fingerprints off of my right hand by touching hot glass. Yes, it hurt, but it ironed out the fingerprints leaving a nice smooth patch on each finger.

Unfortunately they grew back, but who can say if they are the same as they were?

So, hot glass is the key. A light bulb might work.