IMAO: Frank Answers: Nougat, Aliens, Holster Selection, and the Pope Hat

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October 05, 2004

Frank Answers: Nougat, Aliens, Holster Selection, and the Pope Hat

Posted by Frank J. at 12:33 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (16)

Turkeyhead asks:
Is it true that nougat can be chemically altered into symtex with the use of specific enzymes from monkey spit? Is that why they don't sell Mars® bars at zoos, because that would make the monkey doodie highly explosive?

That's only half true.

Noah, aka Tsymyn, writes:
During the Cold War, at the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, there were many sightings of UFOs over the White House and the Kremlin, leading many to speculate that alien ambassadors had visited both superpowers, preventing a nuclear holocaust. If there is a race of compassionate aliens determined to avert horrible disasters on earth, will they prevent the potential upcoming downfall of the United States of America by A. Restoring sanity to liberals with their mind rays, thereby making them conservatives who will vote for Bush, or B. Vaporizing Kerry with their precision death rays?

U.S. policy has always been to immediately kill any aliens and give them an autopsy while poorly filming it. If the aliens are going to have any effect on the election, it will be while their organs reside in individual, marked jars.

El Jefe writes:
Since Virginia is an open-carry state now, how should I go about wearing my .45 while shooting pool? Hip or shoulder holster? You know, just in case someone starts crying, "Foul!" when it really wasn't a foul and I don't want to give the liberal cry-baby hippy-tard ball-in-hand.

First off, shoulder holsters with a horizontal draw are just rude in an open carry situation, as your gun will be pointing at anyone behind you. Also, any shoulder holster is likely to get in the way while playing pool, making that foul more likely. I recommend to go with the tried and true hip holster.

Remember: By Virginia law, you can only legally pistol whip hippies for the offense you mentioned.

Connie du Toit asks:
Why does the Pope wear a fabric covered KFC chicken bucket on his head?

I'm tired of all the ignorance about the Catholic faith out there. There's a book, Catechism of the Catholic Church, that has everything spelled out for those interested, but no one bothers.

Anyway, the KFC chicken bucket hat harkens back to how Jesus fed thousands after his sermon on the mount from one bucket of chicken. It's covered with fabric so the KFC logo isn't seen thus keeping the Catholic Church free from corporate sponsors.

* * * *

If you've got questions, I've got answers... maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

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16 Responses To "Frank Answers: Nougat, Aliens, Holster Selection, and the Pope Hat"

First??

#1 - Posted by: IdFaciam on October 5, 2004 12:35 PM

Whoo-hooo!

#2 - Posted by: IdFaciam on October 5, 2004 12:36 PM

Hey! =I've= read the Catechism.

But then, I'm Catholic. I'm not sure that many non-Catholics would be interested.

#3 - Posted by: meep on October 5, 2004 12:52 PM

Hey! I was raised Catholic and they NEVER told me about the chicken bucket thing!! Turns out there's a lot of things they didn't tell me. (See Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young" for more info).

#4 - Posted by: jonag on October 5, 2004 01:04 PM

BTW, the Old Dominion has been an open-carry state since 1607. Someone tried to conceal a blunderbuss under a KFC chicken bucket at Ye Olde Tyme Taverne once and scared lots of girly-men when it 'accidentally' went off. Since that time, VA decided people should be able to see what's coming.

#5 - Posted by: LynnGunn on October 5, 2004 01:25 PM

Alien organs in jars?
That explains that "Gray Brand Chitterlings" I saw at the grocery store.

#6 - Posted by: LibertyBob on October 5, 2004 01:41 PM

Why does the Pope wear a fabric covered KFC chicken bucket on his head?

Let me answer that. It's called a mithra and represents a fish. Oddly enough it doesn't represents a chicken. So it's KFC fault for using a fish bucket to serve chicken.

#7 - Posted by: kyber on October 5, 2004 02:29 PM

- I wonder if the Pope "Kerry's" his "fisher of men" magic hat in a secret pocket of His papal briefcase when He makes appearences in Cambodia...

- Its rumored theres a "KFD" franchise in Nam... "Kentucky Fried Dog" ...probably one of the food court restaurants in the "Ho Chi Min War Museum" with a picture over the door of Kerry shaking hands with a smiling Nephew of the great NVD leader....

#8 - Posted by: Hunter on October 5, 2004 02:59 PM

Catechism - oral instruction. So that's what Priest were working on - as in "little Johnnie and I must go to my quarters to work on his catechism."

#9 - Posted by: John on October 5, 2004 03:25 PM

Thus, Martin Luther protested the church and gave us the protestant faith. As a good protestant, I protest using chicken buckets as hats, blasphemer! Give me my chicken bucket with dead fried chickens in it, dang it! As it is written in the bi*le, the book of the food and exodus, chapter 4, verse 15 – 17, “For G*D so loved the world, he gave his own special recipe of secret spices for chicken, that the righteous among us shall know of the delights of finger lickn’ good chicken.” “And therefore ye who know not the lord thy G*D, and place the holy bucket upon thy head in jest, shall feel his wrath and be thrown into the pit to suffer for all eternity the punishment of bad bar-b-q.”

#10 - Posted by: Connecticut Yankee on October 5, 2004 03:57 PM

I don't want to pistol-whip any hippies because it is HELL to get the smell out of your gun once your done beating them.

I use a large stick or a two-by-four. That way once you're done with the beating you can light the instrument, make s'mores and sing Kumbya.

#11 - Posted by: El Jefe on October 5, 2004 04:07 PM

The sad thing is, a few weeks from now, thanks to the magic of Google and Babelfish, Jihadis will find this post and begin kidnapping monkeys and hijacking truckloads of mars bars.

#12 - Posted by: M1A1 on October 5, 2004 04:29 PM

If you can openly carry a pistol in Virginia, can you do the same for a sword?

I can do neither in Texas. The legislature should feel ashamed.

#13 - Posted by: on October 5, 2004 08:01 PM

I'm a song from the sixties!

#14 - Posted by: Homsar on October 5, 2004 09:59 PM

I'm a Catholic, and I've never heard of this chicken-bucket hat. The only hat I've seen like that are the Nile guys, and Mr. Cunningham from Happy Days.
There's a guy in Seattle who wears one of those tall pointy hats. (I don't know what that's called;I didn't say I was a *good* Catholic) People refer to him as "the Pope". (I don't think to his face though.)

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#16 - Posted by: TonioK on December 7, 2004 01:36 AM