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September 29, 2004
I've Got My Spine, I've Got My Orange Kerry
Now, many people have asked me, "Why is Kerry orange?" Kerry has said that he got a tan while playing touch football at Harvard for one hour, while the Harvard paper noted his odd coloration before the game of football. Yes, the man can't even tell the truth about something as simple as a tan (or, in this case, an oranging). Many think Kerry must have gotten some sort of spray treatment to tinge him orange in imitation of a tan. Other say that maybe he is a coral snake. These ideas are also unfounded. The logical explanation is that Kerry purchased a thousand boxes of those generic popsicles that come in cherry, grape, and orange. He then discarded the cherry and grape popsicles and melted all the orange popsicles in a large vat in which he then soaked himself. This is a common French/pagan ritual which dates back hundreds of years. Kerry is obviously planning to use black magic at tomorrow's debate, so Bush better bring his best crucifix to fight Kerry's evil, orange power. Black magic was how Carter was elected president, and we can't let it happen again! 20 Responses To "I've Got My Spine, I've Got My Orange Kerry"
First! He *lied* even about WHEN he got the tan??? This I gotta see in the original! Woohoo! [running off to check] #1 - Posted by: Romeocat on September 29, 2004 06:21 PMI thought disco music and wide-spread pot smoking was responsible for getting Carter into office. #2 - Posted by: KBiel on September 29, 2004 06:22 PMIt's Agent Orange, from the time he served in Viet Nam. #3 - Posted by: AllenS on September 29, 2004 06:35 PMKarl Rove replaced Kerry's Swiss Moisturizing Lotion pour l'Homme with Man Tan! #4 - Posted by: Ed Flinn on September 29, 2004 06:39 PMI think the orange is probably a new bonus feature that you can get from botox injections....they have Orangy orange botox, with a light citrus smell....lemony yellow, with a banana odor...and finally grapity purple with that fantastic grape aroma #5 - Posted by: Aaron S. on September 29, 2004 06:42 PMWouldn't lemony yellow have a lemony odor? Perhaps it's a bananany yellow instead? #6 - Posted by: Wally on September 29, 2004 06:47 PMI'm not sure which I like better, the neon orange skin or the corpse grey skin. I guess the orange because it makes me laugh. #7 - Posted by: jonag on September 29, 2004 06:50 PMMy personal theory is that John Kerry is just a very tall Oompa Loompa. If in fact my theory is correct, then one wonders whether the "swift boat" he served on in Vietnam was actually Willy Wonka's chocolate ferry. #8 - Posted by: Kaiser Bob von Germandinavia on September 29, 2004 07:46 PMHeard on the radio today that J.F'n.K. ran in the Boston Marathon once... in the 70's, or possibly the 80's, he's not sure. Nope, probably wouldn't remember when you ran 26 friggin' miles in an internatinally reknown roadrace. He also mentioned how he, as the great outdoorsman, bagged a 12 point buck in Massachusetts. That's REALLY special because the record rack in MA is for a 10 pointer. But if he never registered it, I suppose it's possible. However, not registering the kill would be illegal, unless you had possibly served in VN and spent any Christmas in Cambodia. He was also tracking a 16 POINTER (!) on Cape Cod... it was seared... seared into his memory. Ya' gotta love this guy. It's 8:00 A.M in the Kerry household..... Yesterday Michael Savage mentioned it might be "Man Tan". I guess that is an old pruduct. It might be something similar. #11 - Posted by: Joshua on September 29, 2004 08:36 PMDepend upon it, if Mr. Kerry could earn three PURPLE hearts in mere months, there is nothing remarkable about his turning ORANGE in an hour. #12 - Posted by: Samuel Johnson on September 29, 2004 08:51 PMCowardly communist=red+yellow, which makes orange. A pumpkin that orange by now will be moldy by November! #13 - Posted by: Megan on September 29, 2004 08:53 PMIf it really is a tan, he should go see a doc. It may be a new side effect of too much botox, or a new form of skin cancer. #14 - Posted by: Dark Indy on September 29, 2004 10:37 PMI think he's been getting makeup advice from Tony Kornheiser on ESPN's Pardon The Interuption #15 - Posted by: El Jefe on September 29, 2004 11:41 PMKerry is obviously doing this to pay homage to Halloween. I think we should indulge him and call him "John-O-Lantern" for the next month. #16 - Posted by: twalsh on September 30, 2004 12:32 AMFirst the blue bunny suit, now this subliminal carrot look. I'm sure there's some conspiracy afoot that involves rabbits... #17 - Posted by: Desert Cat on September 30, 2004 01:05 AMI just KNOW it was the orange Kool-Aid. "John Kerrot" >> I like it... Just wait till tomorrow....he'll be pale again.... #19 - Posted by: moehawk on September 30, 2004 05:35 AMHas anyone ever seen John Kerry and Carrot Top in the same room together? Didn't think so. #20 - Posted by: Chim-Chim on September 30, 2004 08:24 AMPost a comment
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