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October 01, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: Volcanoes
Since it looks like Mt. Saint Helens is going to erupt again, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they could about volcanoes. Here is what they found: FUN FACTS ABOUT VOLCANOES * Volcanoes are like mountains... but with a gooey center! * What a volcano kills most people with is its lava... or is it its smoke. Well, whatever it is, just stay the hell away from whatever comes out of a volcano. * Lava is molten rock. You have to heat rock pretty high to melt it. Like, my oven can get pretty hot, but I still couldn't melt a rock... and I touched the rock that wasn't melted as was like, "Ow!" That's hot! * Where lava comes from within the earth. If you dig a lot, after getting through the dirt, you'll hit hot magma. And then China. * If you dig a hole that flows magma into China, the Chinese will get angry. Stupid Commies. * Why is it so hot in the earth as to melt rock? I have no idea. Seems like someone must be doing something crazy down there. We better find out who... or what! * Many islands have volcanoes. This is much more dramatic because then you can't just drive away from the slowly moving magma. * Those island volcanoes are bigger than they look because much of them is under water. If I were them, I'd go to Mount Everest and be like, "Bitch, you ain't the tallest mountain! You just the tallest thing that don't happen to be partially under water, foo'!" * To stop a volcano, throw a virgin in it. Sluts only make it angrier. * You can also use up a volcano's lava supply by causing a bunch of volcanoes around it to go off. Ha! * You could also try throwing some ice in it. Wouldn't hurt. * If the volcano you see is hollowed out, look out for evil geniuses. * If you see a lava flow coming towards you, jump! Maybe it will cool to regular harmless rock before you hit the ground. * In a fight between a volcano and Aquaman, the results of the fight wouldn't be known until ten thousand years later when Aquaman's remains are unearthed from the rock. * If you think you see an erupting volcano, call the police. Someone should know about it. * Whatever you do, don’t let your kids play on a volcano’s edge… unless it has railing. * The site of Yellowstone National Park was once a giant volcano. If that ever goes off again, expect park services to ask for more money. They’re always asking for more money. 37 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: Volcanoes"
Frank run for your life! Mt. St. Helen's is errupting now (3:15 pm EST) as we speak! #1 - Posted by: Caroline E. on October 1, 2004 03:20 PMDon't forget Jack Handey's advice: if you drop your keys in lava, just leave them, because they're gone, man. #2 - Posted by: MD2020 on October 1, 2004 03:22 PMno, no, go get some lava for one of those cool lamps. #3 - Posted by: maggie katzen on October 1, 2004 03:27 PMLava is supposed to be a really good soap. It may have something to do with having a temperature of about 1300 degrees. #4 - Posted by: Joe Mama on October 1, 2004 03:32 PMcrap i live with in 300 miles of it #5 - Posted by: PRK peion on October 1, 2004 03:38 PMNo, you're supposed to Stop, Drop and Roll (AWAY from the lava). #8 - Posted by: jonag on October 1, 2004 04:56 PMI'm a 'tard. I think I want to be banned. #9 - Posted by: Tobias the Dragonslayer on October 1, 2004 05:09 PMTobias, You are cheap, crass and jealous. You might want to try slaying that green eyed monster you've got. #10 - Posted by: jonag on October 1, 2004 05:15 PMAnother thing to note: volcanoes won't move as long as you're looking at them. When you turn away, they'll try to creep up on you, like the ghosts in Super Mario Brothers. #11 - Posted by: Turkeyhead on October 1, 2004 05:16 PMVolcanoes are pimples on the face of this great earth... Michael Moore is a boil on the buttocks of humanity... Both spew crap out of them when they go off... both are exceptionally large masses... both are very destructive, and both can spew toxic gasses from within their cores... the big difference is, a volcano can fry a chicken, but Michael Moore is FULL of fried chicken! #12 - Posted by: Bozark on October 1, 2004 06:16 PMI can see the plum from my house. I wonder if anyone has managed to blame this on bush as a distraction from the war... >.> #13 - Posted by: DittoBox on October 1, 2004 06:42 PM"* If the volcano you see is hollowed out, look out for evil geniuses." Hillarious, Frank. No. 2: Dr. Evil, your new layer is up and running. Dr. Evil: Is it a hollowed out volcano like I asked? No. 2: Of Course. Man, one of the first movies I remember watching (Outside of Poltergeist when I was 4 or 5 - bad mistake!!!!!!!!) was the movie about Mt. Saint Helen's erupting - what was that movie called? That also scared me. Now movies just make me mad. most of them. I did enjoy Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow - the evil genius in that looked like a pre-botox version of Kerry. #14 - Posted by: Scott Sanburn on October 1, 2004 06:44 PMI remember seeing the mushroom cloud from my front yard in '80 when it blew up... aaaahhhh... good times. Why can't we have some good old-fashioned natural disasters like that any more? Why does Florida get all the fun? It's not fair. #15 - Posted by: siklilpig on October 1, 2004 07:18 PM'' #16 - Posted by: siklilpig on October 1, 2004 07:19 PMIt'd be really cool if hot flaming monkey demons started to stream from its Tartarean depths. #17 - Posted by: Chim-Chim on October 1, 2004 08:58 PMI love that heading. "Fun facts..." lol:) #18 - Posted by: Roundguy on October 1, 2004 09:24 PMActually, Yellowstone still is a huge volcano - it just doesn't happen to have a mountain with it. It tends to just explode in a monster explosion that shoots a few hundred cubic miles of glassy volcano gunk into the atmosphere, and parks a bunch of magma in orbit. Good news: it only does its thing every 600K years or so, causing ice-ages and other nastiness when it does. Bad news: its currently a few thousand years overdue... #19 - Posted by: Foobarista on October 1, 2004 09:42 PMI'm printing out your fun facts, and driving them to the observation area tomorrow! Living less than 100 miles from it, I'm just glad the wind was blowing Southwest! Eat that Portland. #20 - Posted by: djdoughboy on October 1, 2004 09:57 PMScott Sanburn, you blasphemer, the bad guy in Sky Captain was SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER! Apologize to the deceased RIGHT NOW for saying he looks like John Kerry! And all the rest of you who haven't seen Sky Captain yet - what the Hector Elizondo are you waiting for?! Support excellent movies! #21 - Posted by: Beo on October 1, 2004 10:52 PMDough boy , Frankly I don't give a damn what it does. #22 - Posted by: Joshua on October 2, 2004 01:21 AM"* Those island volcanoes are bigger than they look because much of them is under water. If I were them, I'd go to Mount Everest and be like, "Bitch, you ain't the tallest mountain! You just the tallest thing that don't happen to be partially under water, foo'!"" This was the LOL line for me. :D #23 - Posted by: Desert Cat on October 2, 2004 02:10 AM
Aquaman: "I served in the Atlantic Ocean!" John Kerry: "I served in Vietnam!" Coincidence? Not in my book. Has anyone else noticed that we never heard of John Kerry until *after* the Superfriends dissolved and they all went looking for new careers and identities? #25 - Posted by: Chim-Chim on October 2, 2004 11:08 AMSTupid commies?!? They sure now how to siphon the jobs and cash out of our country! We need to be careful, I think Red China and Wal Mart are in cahoots! Look out! #26 - Posted by: on October 2, 2004 12:01 PMFun facts about Mt. St. Helens- My brother was born 10 years TO THE DAY after St. Helens erupted 5/18/80-5/18/90. (That is totally true.) Also, my twin cousins were born on the same day as my brother. PS- As a former Portlander, I say "Screw all the commies in stumptown and let them eat ash!" #27 - Posted by: Adam (VRWC member) on October 2, 2004 03:28 PMHA! You coward! I knew it! You and your shloggary are dripping with cowardice! Stand up like a man Francis Sans Mighty. This is WAR, where is your honor?!! Where is your backbone?!! Does your vagina hurt Sans Mighty? I have made you and your pathetic flunkies Quality Control's bitches. #28 - Posted by: Tobias the Dragonslayer on October 2, 2004 06:03 PMPreemptive strike on the volcano. Nuke the mountain! #29 - Posted by: Joshua on October 2, 2004 11:36 PMToby the Dingleberry-picker: you really need to give Frank J more material to work with, if you're trying to get The Limey treatment... #30 - Posted by: Desert Cat on October 2, 2004 11:41 PMBeo said: "Scott Sanburn, you blasphemer, the bad guy in Sky Captain was SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER! Apologize to the deceased RIGHT NOW for saying he looks like John Kerry! " Well, I didn't know, sorry you took offense, but that's what it reminded me of. Sheesh! #31 - Posted by: Scott Sanburn on October 3, 2004 05:22 PMFrank: I love MtST HElens it is so cool #33 - Posted by: on October 12, 2004 11:06 AMThese ultimate racing pocket bikes are today's fastest growing products in the motor sport vehicle industry, aside from electrics scooters and gas scooters. #34 - Posted by: pocket bikes on October 28, 2004 05:25 PMThese ultimate racing pocket bikes are today's fastest growing products in the motor sport vehicle industry, aside from electrics scooters and gas scooters. #35 - Posted by: pocket bikes on October 29, 2004 08:34 PMPost a comment
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