Previous Episode

* * * *

"Scott, keep a look out, okay," Bush said as he snuck around Kerry's house.

"AHH!" Scott McClellan screamed as he rolled around while three dobermans were biting him, "His guard dogs are attacking me!"

"Good. Keep them distracted." Bush then worked on the plumbing.

* * * *

"Jeeves!" Kerry yelled as he came out of his shower, "I'm orange!"

"That you are, sir," Kerry's butler replied.

"It must be that Bush!" Kerry yelled, "Well, I'll just have to come up with some ridiculous story about how I got tanned while playing touch football at Harvard." Kerry shuddered. "People touched me during that game... some of them common folk. Well, I'll show Bush what's what at the debates!"

* * * *

"Heh heh. Looking a little orange," Bush quipped as he stood behind his podium.

"You'll get your comeuppance!" Kerry proclaimed.

"Please, sirs," Jim Lehrer interrupted, "We agreed that there would be no pre-debate banter. Now, by toss of coin, the first question goes to Kerry: Why are you so orange?"

"That's just a distraction," Kerry answered, "Just like Iraq is a distraction - a diversion you might say - from the real war on terror. Bush has botched that, but I have real plan... tons of plans... plans so good I won't even tell you them because you might steal them... to win the war for good."

"Bush, your response," Lehrer prompted.

A glass of water struck Kerry in the face.

"A verbal response," Lehrer clarified.

"Oh, well... uh... Kerry is a goober. He can't scare terrorists... not even small children. I can scare children, though. It's hard work, but I have the vision to spread liberty and... There's lights! What's happening?"

"Those are to inform you how much time you have left," Lehrer explained.

"Oh, I get it. Anyhoo, terrorists are dying, so everyone be happy."

"The next question is for Mr. Bush: Is there anything about the Iraq war you think you did wrong?"

"No, I did everything right. It was Iraq that was wrong, not having WMDs and what not. We had good intelligence that they did have WMDs, but they weren't keeping up their end. Anyway, terrorists are dying. How many terrorists has Kerry killed? None!"

"Mr. Kerry, your response."

"I would first like to mention that I served in Vietnam and that relates somehow to this. I would also like to say I am resolved. I will take down terrorists and even - as you say – ‘kill’ them. Furthermore..."

"Green light!" Bush shouted and then tackled Kerry.

"You agreed on no physical violence," Lehrer said.

"But I thought that's what the light signaled," Bush stated as he got back up.

"I just explained to you they signaled the time left," Lehrer told Bush with annoyance.

"And I wasn't listening."

"Mr. Kerry, you may continue."

"As I was saying, the real terrorists are Al Qaeda, and the war in Iraq was a mistake."

"Next question is for Kerry: Are soldiers dying in Iraq for a mistake?"

"No, it was not a mistake," Kerry answered, "and..."

"He just flip-flopped!" Bush shouted, "Didn't you see him?"

"It's not your turn, Mr. Bush," Lehrer answered, "Mr. Kerry, please continue."

"We need to give our troops the support they need. Why, just the other day, I ran into some of our troops. The one who didn't spit at me said... Hey! Why is the light already red! Bush is playing with my lights!"

Bush hid an object behind his back. "No I'm not."

"Bush, your response."

The remote control for the lights then struck Kerry in the head.

"Dammit! I should have held on to that," Bush exclaimed.

"Next question is for Mr. Bush. Will you still consider preemptive strikes in the future?"

"Hells yeah, they're fun!" Bush answered, "Why, reminds me of back in the day, if I knew someone was going to pick a fight with me in school, I'd punch him in the nose and run away really quick. Solved lots of problems doing that."

"Mr. Kerry, your response."

"I'm for preemptive wars if they're for the interest of the nation, but you have to pass a global test."

"What the..." Bush swore.

"It looks like Bush has more to say," Lehrer stated, "So we'll have a one minute extension."

"There is not a global test!" Bush yelled, "If there were any tests, I never would have ran for the presidency. I hate tests."

"Mr. Kerry."

"You see..."

"Green light!" Bush yelled and then tackled Kerry.

* * * *

"A disaster," Cheney proclaimed.

"Despite his girlish screams each time you tackled him," Condi told Bush, "The majority opinion is that Kerry looked presidential."

"Doooooom!" Karl Rove shouted as he emerged from the shadows.

"Oh no!" Bush yelled, "Doom is bad!"

"You must now destroy the one known as Kerry or there will be dooooom!" Rove said.

"We'll just have Cheney do well in his debate," Bush said.

"No one cares about the Vice Presidential debate," Cheney answered, "I'm not even prepping for it. I just plan on grabbing that pretty boy Edwards by the neck, lift him in the air, and shake him until he is dead. Perfect place to kill him, as there will be no witnesses."

"Even the 24 hour news channels aren't carrying the Vice Presidential Debate," Condi said, "They're having reruns of Sanford and Son instead."

"Then I'll just have to do extra, super better in my next debate," Bush said. He then spotted Rumsfeld marking a map of the world with Xs for each country he considered a threat. "I have an idea."

TO BE CONTINUED...

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