With the shortage of flu vaccines, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about the flu.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE FLU

* The name flu comes from the word influenza which means "flu."

* Flu will just attack you for who you are with no regard to your stance on flu issues, much like terrorists.

* Flu is a virus and not technically classified as living, much like terrorists after they have had a run in with the U.S. military.

* If flu is after you, try running through streams to throw it off your track. You can also hide in a log. The flu never checks inside logs.

* Eventually you'll have to make a stand against the flu. Counter its spinning flu kick with your advancing tiger claw.

* Since Vitamin C helps fight infections, drink orange juice until you puke.

* If flu is after you, have it chase you into a building. Then, sneak out and lock the door and burn the building down. The flu couldn't have survived that... or could it!

* Flu can make you feel dizzy.

* Spinning around in a chair gives you flu.

* The reason flu hits at a particular time of year is because the flu union allows for excessive vacations. Stupid lazy flu!

* The main carrier of flu is monkeys. Kill monkeys.

* The flu can be deadly to the young or the elderly while only bothersome to the fit and healthy. At the same time, the fit and healthy can easily knock down the young and elderly and take their flu vaccines.

* I'm not getting a flu shot this year out of a combination that I'm physically fit and healthy and also lazy.

* Flu vaccines are made from a small flower that grows only once a year atop the fabled Mount Gilfindorf in England. Only one pure of heart can pluck the flower, but this year someone greedy took hold of it and it wilted. Thus we are short flu vaccines now... or so the legend goes.

* While it seems we should blame Britain for the flu vaccine shortage, it's easier to blame Canada since they are closer. Also, angry phone calls will cost less.

* Have you killed monkeys yet?

* If you don't have vaccine, fight off flu viruses with a bat. Remember, viruses are too small to see, so swing everywhere and smash everything!

* Symptoms of the flu are fever, vomiting, and your doctor saying, "You got the flu, dude!"

* Flu can fly. After it flies, you can say that flu flew. Did you know that as I knew?

* If you put lamb's blood on your doorsill, the flu will pass you over and infect your stupid neighbors. Ha!

* It's a myth that chicken soup helps cure the flu, but, if you hadn't read this, it would have a pleasant placebo effect. Sorry.

* In a fight between Aquaman and the flu, Aquaman would have to lie in bed for days and be even more useless than usual.

* You know those creaking sounds you hear at night? That's the flu coming for you! Run!

* The U.N. is busy trying to open talks with the flu. Soon, they should have some way of making kickbacks as it infects us.

* If you think you have the flu, you can test that out with a store bought flu test. Just vomit on the test wand, and, if the symbol turns purple, you have the flu. If it turns maroon, you're healthy. Or vice-versa.

* People with the flu may shuffle through the streets trying to give their flu to others in their delirium. Use regular zombie handling precautions for this.

* The main thing to know about fighting the flu is to not be such a crybaby. Who cares about the flu? There are people dying in some country right now I've never heard of nor care to know about, so consider yourself lucky.

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Know Thy Enemy
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