Pat B. writes:
The hordes that use Instant Messengers are well, for the most part ignorant. No, not you, don't worry. But I was curious as to your preferred client? If you answer with "Trillian" I will love you forever (In a manly, respectful way).

What in God's name is Trillian? I use AIM, but I turn it off a lot because people are always using it to IM me which is really annoying. I got stuff to do, people! I don't have time to chat with smiley faces and what not. Sheesh...

lottiedottie writes:
As I was driving through town today, I saw that Democrats had established a campaign center. Here! In my town! I'm so disappointed to know that some of my neighbors might have some of those nasty tendencies. So I am wondering what you would suggest I do to combat this heinous incursion. Would it be appropriate to hire ninjas to break in during the cover of night and steal all their propaganda and leave monkeys to tend the shop? I realize that by doing so I would be inviting evil of another kind into my hometown, but wouldn't this be the lesser of two evils?
P.S. Do you think that it is possible that the Kerry campaign workers are really monkeys in disguise?

As for your P.S., the DNC doesn't disguise their monkeys.

Anyway, having a Democrat infestation can be annoying, but it's no reason for ninja shenanigans. Just go to pest control and have them isolate and spray the place. Any remaining Democrats should be destroyed by stamping.

The Bear writes:
As technically I live in the Dominion of Canada, when is the United States (on orders from Secretary of War Frank J.) going to dominate this country and rid us of our oppressors, the Liberal Party of Canada?

I pride myself in being completely ignorant of the politics in all other countries, so I'm not quite familiar with your problem. By my understanding, Canada basically has a one party system that keeps power through a sham democracy. We in America are quite busy bringing freedom elsewhere, so you may be better off trying to handle things yourself. It's not like your Liberal Party murders dissenters or cut off hands (do they?), so I bet they could be overthrown with a mild (but violent) coup. Why don't you get working on that, and maybe Canada will then be interesting enough to make the news for a change.

Vegesigo from Birmingham, AL writes:
I can understand your general hatred of monkeys, however, I was watching Lion King last night with my daughter and realized that the monkey in it is quite awesome. He is by far the wisest of all of the animals, is a bit mystical, and knows martial arts. What say you on this?

That monkey is the most dangerous of all, as he makes monkeys look cool. This can have horrible monkey influence on your daughter that may be hard to deprogram. Instead, have her watch a monkey-free movie of good American values such as Die Hard.

The All-Powerful LEM writes:
Hey, Frank! I gots a question for you.

Good. Otherwise you'd be wasting my time.

If I were to convert an automatic baseball pitching machine into a ninja-star throwing Assembly of Death, would the U.S. government buy the patent from me? Since you’re so smart and worldly, I bet you have better judgement on matters like this than I do.

If you don't think the government already has a machine to automatically throw ninja-stars, you're a fool. A FOOL!

Their device can throw knives, rocks, and hamsters too.

Sorry to shatter your dream, but, if you break into government buildings and read their secret weapons files, you could save yourself a lot of time in the future.

* * * *

If you've got questions, I've got answers... maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

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Frank Answers
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