 |
|
|
|
About IMAO Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!  Buy funniest book ever!  IMAO Podcasts IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter
 Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!
About IMAO
If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK. About Frank J. Bloggers: Frank J. Harvey RightWingDuck Cadet Happy spacemonkey Laurence Simon SarahK Popular Categories
Fred Thompson FactsJohn Edwards Fabulous Facts lolterizt IMAO Condensed Know Thy Enemy Editorials Frank the Artist In My World Other Content
Ode to ViolenceBrief Histories IMAO Audio Bits  Read the Essay Own the Shirt Peace Gallery Search IMAO
Testimonials
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds "Unfunny treasonous ronin!" -Lou Tulio* "You, sir, are a natural born killer." -E. Harrington "You'll never get my job! Never!!!" -Jonah Goldberg "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO." -No One of Consequence "A blogger with a sense of humor." -Some Woman on MSNBC Blogroll
Ace of Spades HQThe Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler Blackfive Captain's Quarters Classical Values Conservative Grapevine The Corner The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!) Dave in Texas Eject! Eject! Eject! Electric Venom Hot Air Puppy Blender La Shawn Barber's Corner Michelle Malkin Pereiraville Protein Wisdom Rachel Lucas Right Wing News Scrappleface Serenity's Journal Townhall Blog IMAO Blogroll Bad Example Cadet Happy The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles mountaineer musings Right Wing Duck  This Blog Is Full of Crap Fred Thompson Links Fred File Blogs for Fred Fred Thompson Facts Awards
|
October 21, 2004
The Best Way to End the Huge Partisan Divide is a Bloody Civil War
An Editorial by Frank J.
For years now, the country seems to have been split down the middle, and it's eating away at the soul of the country. Usually, you have one group get a majority which then pushes around the other side and makes fun of how their children look, but the old way seems so distant now. How can we return to the former status quo? As usual, war is the answer. "Now all Americans will be united and happy, because the liberals will no longer be defined as Americans and will be shot by BBs." It's been a long time since we've had a civil war, but hopefully we learned plenty from the first one to make this one quick and efficient. It will be quite different, though. For one thing, it won't have a stark geographical divide. Friendly and enemy territory will have to divided on a house to house basis - or maybe even room to room. Also, a big difference is that one side has all the guns since both gun owners and the military tend to be in the right-wing. This should make things easy if planned well. Using the powers of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy, all enemies can be identified and an attack date set in secret. Then, on one H-hour of D-Day, it will be announced that civil war has been declared just as all of us already have our guns on the enemy who should still have blank, dumbfounded stares. We will then each demand them to surrender or die, and, knowing their mindset, most will quickly capitulate. Phooey. Now we have to deal with the POWs. I say we build big fences all around Massachusetts and throw them in there. Some may say this is cruel; they will be thrown in Massachusetts too. We can't have any weaklings in a non-divided America. Also, we'll throw all the felons in there since they are mainly left leaning too. One more idea is that we can add sniper posts along the walls where we can shoot the liberals with BB guns while yelling, "That's what you get for wanting to take my money to spend on social programs!" Then we will put cameras up to film the action for a great reality show. Finally, we have to divvy up the spoils; most of their stuff I don't want, but the Hollywood left should have some good swag. Maybe I can at least get a nice lamp and some DVDs. Or we can sell it all for a steak dinner to celebrate. Now all Americans will be united and happy, because the liberals will no longer be defined as Americans and will be shot by BBs. We will all agree on important issues, such as attacking countries we don't particularly like, and all foreigners shall tremble in fear knowing there are no more whiners to slow us down from killing our enemies. We'll be a complete utopia with everyone working together towards the same goals... at least until the next election cycle. Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Yankees Shall Rise Again" and "How to Steal Neat Blog Formatting Tricks from Spoons." Fine Frank, have it your way, just let me secure my north frontier first... Oops. Nevermind. #1 - Posted by: kyber on October 21, 2004 09:05 AMJust wanna say one thing.... GO SOX!!! #2 - Posted by: PraTrp on October 21, 2004 09:06 AMI hereby sign up for BB duty...It's a tough job but somebody has to do it. :) #3 - Posted by: bobthemad on October 21, 2004 09:06 AMI'm sure the Skankees will rise again. Just won't happen this year. #4 - Posted by: El Jefe on October 21, 2004 09:07 AMWith proper incentives and a program of detedkennedification, Massachusetts could be made a productive state again. Couldn't we just march the POWs into Canada? #5 - Posted by: Chim-Chim on October 21, 2004 09:23 AMAccording to a long running comments thread over at Scrappleface the other day, those folks are armed to the teeth! Say the word Frank, we're ready! #7 - Posted by: MargeinMI on October 21, 2004 09:43 AM"So Massachusetts is the Pokey? "
That reminds me of "Escape from New York" only with this we get "Escape from Massachusetts". That would actually make an interesting movie. #9 - Posted by: Tex on October 21, 2004 09:54 AMThis is an idea that may lead to world peace. You are a genious. With a united America we will finally be able to implement NUKE THE MOON! I think you need corporate sponsership to make this idea a reality. Think Crossman or Daisey emblems posted all along the guard towers .... #10 - Posted by: tacberry on October 21, 2004 10:01 AMFrankJ... Hmmmm. A fine enterprising youth might find inspiration for another T-shirt logo here... #11 - Posted by: azlibertarian on October 21, 2004 10:29 AMTaxachusetts won't work. Once we process Mikey Moore, Linda Rhinostat, Babs Streisand, and that fat Dixie Chick there'd only be room enough for John Kerry's head. Anybody know anything about Greenland? Like, how much they'd let it go for? This sounds like a responsible plan. I don't think my sister will mind Massachusetts. She's for higher taxes (argh) and she lives in Portland so the climate won't be too different. Yep she'll fit in (although she could use a nip in the backside with a BB to jog her brain since that seems to be where she's keeping it these days!). #13 - Posted by: jonag on October 21, 2004 10:57 AMStewie Griffin for president! #14 - Posted by: Megan on October 21, 2004 11:31 AMFormerhostage - ROTFLMAO BWAHAHAHA! "Do you know how much they'd let it go for?" HAHAHAHA! -Hey, no one actually "owns" the moon, right? So, why don't we send them there as observers for the nuclear test? #15 - Posted by: tacberry on October 21, 2004 11:34 AMMassachussetts is indeed too small. And Smith & Wesson is there - don't want to give the liberals any help coming back. Quebec is bigger. Kerry already speaks the language. Send 'em all there, where the'll fit right in. #16 - Posted by: Kip on October 21, 2004 12:10 PMFrank: ROFLMOAO! Formerhostage, Kip, hysterical! I also immediately recalled the pokey. Mass, eh? (in re: Connecticut Yankee)How's about paintballs? Wouldn't want someone like the French to come along saying we've annihilated human beings for any reason. Plus, this way, if we put numbers on their shirts, watchmen can paint-by-number and have all sorts of other fun games. #18 - Posted by: Veda on October 21, 2004 03:24 PMKip...not Quebec...it's still close enough that there could be some kind of liberal "The Incredible Journey" and they'd show up on our doorsteps after 6 months. How about Haiti? I understand that liberals can't cross running water...or was that vampires? #19 - Posted by: FormerHostage on October 21, 2004 03:27 PMVeda...paint by number?!?!?!!? Sweeeet! We can tatoo 666 on their foreheads. Hmmmmm, let's see now...the legend says that for 666 use the color...blood red. #20 - Posted by: FormerHostage on October 21, 2004 03:30 PMAlbert Oxford seems to agree: http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/civilwar.html #21 - Posted by: strongfarce on October 21, 2004 04:20 PMMy vote is for Haiti and paint balls filled with cian pepper flavored paints. #22 - Posted by: on October 21, 2004 04:31 PMI love your suggestion, Megan, he is one EVIL baby. : ) I think Canada would be a great idea, but it has too big of border. Let's drive them down to Mexico, the border is smaller, and we can implement what B-1 Bob Dornan suggested in the 1996 Republican primary - a new military branch dedicated to protecting the border. We can liberate the people who don't want to live there anymore with a new immigration plan. We might have to take out Canada though - invade it and integrate it into the US, so we can clean up their socialist mess up there. That goes for Cuba too. After that, we can secure California, and I will head up LEGOLAND California. Mwa ha ha ha ha!!! Boy, I think I have taken too much evil pill today. :)
Not Mexico! Too many nice vacation spots! Canada works! Or just Quebec! #24 - Posted by: MountainMama on October 21, 2004 06:07 PMJust send them to join their comrades in that socialist paradise (sarcasm) called continental Europe. #25 - Posted by: Crusader on October 21, 2004 09:57 PM***BEGIN TRANSMISSION*** General FrankJ., I can assure you as a member of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy™© that we have been formulating plans since the end of the Reagan Administration™© and they ARE very good plans. Liberal "focus groups" have proven that BB and paintball guns will not be necessary. I suggest that you (yes, even with your wide assortment, Frank) stockpile as many weapons and ammo as possible. ***END TRANSMISSION*** #26 - Posted by: Adam (VRWC member) on October 21, 2004 10:50 PMFormerhostage, I wasn't gettin' all satanic there or anything. I was thinking more along the lines of...the IMAO header...? ;p #27 - Posted by: Veda on October 21, 2004 11:22 PMActually Massataxes might have more than enough room. It would take a little more prep though. Move what manufacturing there is out of the State. Shut off any Federal Funds to the Universities. Shut of any trade and access to the rest of the US. Only allow trade with France. There might be some conservative stuck in there do to famliy obligations. I guess we could test for them by hooking them up to lie detectors showing them a photo of M.Moore in a bikini and asking, "Would you like some of that?" #28 - Posted by: toad on October 22, 2004 05:53 AM"M.Moore in a bikini" CAN'T. GET. IMAGE. OUT. OF. MIND! Damn you toad! DAMMMMMMMMNNNN YOOOUUUU! #29 - Posted by: FormerHostage on October 22, 2004 07:40 AMAnn Coulter in Trinity style leathers.
the people of massa2shits have already surrendered, haven't they? white flags are on the way #30 - Posted by: pale rider on October 22, 2004 10:25 AMWhy don't we just dress them all up in white fur while they sleep and set the baby seal hunters loose on them? We can do that in Greenland. Its a good cardio-vascular activity. #31 - Posted by: Undercover Hippie on October 22, 2004 11:28 AMMountainMama - Well, I don't know - my initial plan was the ABC Gumball theory - offer a free vacation to any and all liberals, send them to Austrailia, and then have some bombing raids, but since I have found out what a stand-up country Austrailia is, I had to change my plan. The gumball part referred to some questionable people that came into Meijer in Ypsilanti Michigan at 1:30AM in the morning, ran around, screamed, played with each other, and then bought some gumballs from the vending machines, and they were the perfect candidates. What was I doing there at 1:30AM in the morning? Going shopping on a Saturday night - to avoid the Ann Arbor / Ypsilanti crowds. I just want that border secured so I don't have to deal with them anymore, whether it is Canada, Mexico, or Europe. You could not pay me enough to go to Mexico.
I like this... Post a comment
|
Buy IMAO T-Shirts 
 
 
IMAO T-Shirts
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe (winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!! Yay! Books!
Capitalism
Archives
By Category
24American Idol Aqua-Adventures Barackalypse Now Best of IMAO 2002 Best of IMAO 2006 Bite-Sized Wisdom Editorials Election 2008 Filthy Lies Frank Answers Frank Discussions Frank on Guns Frank Reads the Bible Frank the Artist Fred Thompson Facts Friday Cat-Blogging Fun Trivia Hellbender Hellbender Take Two Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths Humor I Hate Frank If I Were President ignis fatuous IMAO Condensed IMAO Exclusives IMAO for the Non-Deaf IMAO Reviews IMAO Think Tank In My World In My World - Fan Fiction John Edwards Fabulous Facts Know Thy Enemy lolterizt Michael Moore Mitt Romney Ads News Round-Up Newsish Fakery No, McCain't Our Military Permalink Contest Precision Guided Humor Assignments Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul Ronin Profiles Ronin Thought of the Day SarahK's TV stuff Scary Evil Monkey Simpsons Trivia Songs & Poems State of the Frank Report Superego Totally True Tidbits WEsistance Is Facile Why Me Laugh? Yvonne's Ashes By Month
December 2008September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006 July 2006 June 2006 May 2006 April 2006 March 2006 February 2006 January 2006 December 2005 November 2005 October 2005 September 2005 August 2005 July 2005 June 2005 May 2005 April 2005 March 2005 February 2005 January 2005 December 2004 November 2004 October 2004 September 2004 August 2004 July 2004 June 2004 May 2004 April 2004 March 2004 February 2004 January 2004 December 2003 November 2003 October 2003 September 2003 August 2003 July 2003 June 2003 May 2003 April 2003 March 2003 February 2003 January 2003 December 2002 November 2002 October 2002 September 2002 August 2002 July 2002 March 1933
|
Stumble It!
An Editorial by Frank J."