"FIRST on CBS tonight..."

Makeup! I need some powder in here!

I didn't want to Replace Rather I wanted O'Reilly.

Micheal Moore and the Kerry/Edwards campaign asked me to make a couple of comments.

I'll start with the easy one.
"Dirka Dirka Jihad Allah"

(FRANK, I sent you a better pic. Check your email.)

Bakka Bakka Mohammed Jihad

Why is that cameraman wearing an FBI shirt...OH SHIT!!!!

It is true, that you have not heard directly from me for some time. I have substituted my voice with that of my friends in the past. They have stepped up and recorded my messages for me because severe acid reflux has hindered my voice. But by Allah's will, and because of the Infidel Bush's prescription drug plan, I received my first shipment of the Purple Pill in the mail just 2 days ago and, praise be to Allah, my voice is like new, again. Kill all Americans wherevere you may see them. Peace out!

that ain't right Led Boots. I know who you are. In fact, You are right in front of me. Retribution will be swift.

Osama starts war. America ends it. Film at 11.

Is it just me, or does UBL remind you of the crazy dictator from "The In-Laws" with Peter Falk.

"I like heem .... hees niice. see see."

"Tonight on 60 Minutes - we have an official National Guard memo that shows that George W. Bush was actually a secret member of the Mujahadeen - and he stole my boots, the bastard"

I just wanted to inform the United States that my good friend John Kerry was once in Vietnam. Also buy war bonds!!! Later dudes

Do you want fries with that?

(Sorry, that was cheesy as heck...)

F**K you (points to a picture of Bush)
F**K you (points to Rumsfeld)
F**K you (points to Cheney)
You're cool (points to John Kerry)
F**K you (points to Condi Rice)
Peace I'm outta here!!

Michael Moore takes off the sumo suit.

"Foolish infidels! Thanks to you, my secret plan to bring democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan while reducing Al Qaeda payroll expenses is working perfectly! Bwahaha!"

Heh-heh, nice, TallDave.

.....All this and Andy Roony tonight on 60 minutes.

I know you yahoos much better than you know yourselves. If the mass media pump it up, you'll believe it. So here I am, and now you wonder what it means. It means simply that I'm back in your mind, and you're wondering what I'm going to do. You didn't even bother to listen to what I said on the tape. And I knew you wouldn't. I understand your attention span. Now you have Bush and me back in your mind.

"Can you hear me now? Goooood."

You will all die because of your current foreign policy. Nowhere will be safe. The streets will flow with blood because of the arrogant Satan's actions. We will not stop until the US is brought to it's knees!

(voice over)I'm John Kerry and I approve this message.

Dude, I don't know what he would say, but that's definitely a Hyatt hotel bathroom he's taping in. I recognize the wallpaper.

I survived a MOAB at Tora Bora and all I got was this stupid hat!

"Awww, I'm sorry, but you didn't answer in the form of a question. What is the Great Satan is the correct response. You only said the Great Satan."

...today's menu is cheese pizza, tacos, or the veggi platter. The glee club will also be selling ice-cream sandwiches in the quad. Finally, there will be a pep rally in the gym Friday at 2:00. Let's be there to cheer our team on to victory. Gooooo Beavers!

Tonight on 6o Minutes, my good friend Dan Rather has asked I do a special segment debunking the latest dirty political trick by that filthy infidel Karl Rove. I am definitely not responsible for any video in which I basically point out that Dumbya Bush (hehe) is doing an awesome job. I would never do that because I am a genius and master of propaganda. I am the Pai Mei to Michael Moore. I would never do anything like that.

In related news, I am hungry and cold. Please Mr. Bush sir, make it stop!

"Lo siento! Es verdad que Ricardo Montelban es muy macho, pero, Lloyd Bridges es MAS macho!"

(obscure SNL reference)

(Announcer Voiceover) "Tonight on CBS, The Season Premier of the newest reality show 'Jihad Apprentice'. Starring George Bush as Donald Trump" (Camera pans back showing W and Osama at a long oak table in the boardroom) "You're Fired!" Bush Exclaims. (Camera fades to black)

I'm Usama bin Laden, and I approve this message.

I told you, infidel, the Slurpee machine is broken.

I vote for FormerHostage... that MOAB caption is a classic.

Courage.

If you see a snake that's red, yellow and black. You gotta remember these words 'cause it can attack ...

"Hackblah Derka Derka... Jihad Jihad A-Derka-derka-derka." -OBL

I am naked from the waist down.

(by the expression on his face) ohhh, these hemeroids are killing me. someone get me an butt donut!!!

Is it just me or does this picture remind anyone else of the original Star Trek story about the dwarf with the big ship and the scary puppet? Maybe OBL is just some dwarf with an inferiority complex? Hey, OBL, I'm gonna stomp yer ass boy!

Merry New Year! Beef jerky time!

"Jane, you ignorant slut!!!"

This is Osama Bin Laden urging you to rock the vote. Or Puff Daddy will kill you.

Thanks to the French government's national health care service and a supply of embryonic stem cells, I can stand before you tonight and tell you that if you vote for Bush I will kill you, you dirty sons of apes and dogs.

just in case you are wondering, ms. lewinsky is not under this desk.

Osama bin Laden lives. I say Churchhill and FDR were right. Fight this murderer until he can hide no more. Never give in to tyranny. Fight him with the most powerful weapon you have, your vote. Vote Red State for Freedom.

--"Weekend at Bernie's?? No, I've never seen that movie... why do you ask?"

--"Oh, Mr. Cronkite, you make me blush! Well, I think you look very tanned and rested, too!"

*giggle*
I had a vision of OBL flipping his beard ala Edwards getting ready for the taping.

prepare for another global test

We have to do the video now?
I just got out of the shower!

(I know, I know, bin Laden showering is a bit far-fetched)

I'm slim shady yes I'm the real shady... would the real slim shady plea..... Oh.. are we rolling tape?? Praise Allah... blah blah blah... 9-11... blah blah blah... steets will run with blood.... blah blah blah.

Did that seem believable John? Do you think I was to Harsh? Was my turban on straight?? Does this robe bring out my eye color. If you lose can I have John Edwards? I just love his hair!!!!

Life is like a box of chocolate covered sand spiders. You never know which one has the juicy middle.

all infidels will bow down before the power of my hat!

I like big butts and I cannot lie

I, John Kerry, am here to categorically deny the rumors that operatives from the Bush campaign secretly replaced my inventory of Botox with Rogain.

I am now prepared. Bring me the lobster.

"Trick or treat!"

I formally invite the United States and their allies to join me in establishing a secular Democratic government in all the lands of the Caliphate.
I believe that if we work together, we can bring freedom and tolerance to all people's in this world.

And since ZZ-Top has rejected
my audition tape...
YOU WILL ALL DIE!!!

No I'm not getting old and decrepit. I'm going for the Saddam-in-the-hole look here!

Oh, help me Allah! I've got my camel's water bowl stuck on my head!

That will be $15 an hour for the room and a additional $5 if you want clean sheets and towels and no we don't take credit cards.

It appears that Satan had really tacky wallpaper put up in Hell.

I'm going to Disneyworld!

...so you see people of America, I'm not a bad person, just a victim of society.
September 11 was a cry for help.

*sniff*...I need a hug...*sniff*

"And so, my fellow terrorists, ask not what al Qaeda can blow up for you, but what you can blow up for al Qaeda."

My apologies to the former President.

(imagine Ben Stein's voice saying the following)

...I'm going to kill?

...anybody? ...anybody?

The Great....?
Satan.
I'm going to kill the Great Satan.

I'm mad as hell! And I'm not going to take it anymore, insh'Allah!

OBL: "Yes I'm sorry, I do not speak English. Ok."
Woman: "But, you were just talking..."
OBL: "Yes, yes, hot dog, hot dog, yes sir, no sir, maybe ok."

That is $29.00 to go to Laguardia plus tip and tolls, Infidel!!!!!!

does this turban make my head look like candy corn?

Thank you for watching, and please try my all new cherry flavored squishy.

OH!!! I GET IT!! It's a caption contest. (Yeah, I'm a little slow today) Okay let me try here:

I..I'm scared...I see red people...

...it appears that the usual cameraman has been replaced by a dog...a very angry looking dog...

Dude, where's my minions?

Al-Jazeera released a bombshell buy revealing an un-impeachable source which proves Bush was AWOL...

by*

This is to inform you I have had my name legally changed to Mary Cheney. This way the Reublicans support me and the Democrats can't stop talking about me.

As a sign from Allah (pbuh), my hands are nailed to the table, as proof of the strength of our conviction, and that we can bleed faster than any Satan pig-dog american GI.

Rumours of my demise are unfounded, I was dead for a while, but am now feeling better. Coming up at 10, my new take off of "The Apprentice" starring a multitude of acne ridden Palestinian boys and girls, all vying to explode onto the terrorist scene.

"You got chocolate in my falafelbutter."

I just really noticed his beard in this picture... and what it looks like... it looks like... like...

(cues music)

"Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom Mushroom!"

*sigh*

New documents that I have obtained from an unimpeachable source raise serious questions about Bush's National Guard service.

Contestant #4 on Kerry's press secretary auditions

I give it to wonderduck. Genius.

they come a runnin just as fast as they can, cause every girl crazy bout a sharp-dressed man!

wonderduck that is awesome....
badger badger badger badger ahh snake a snake ahh ooo its a snake

UBL: John Edwards may be able to cure the disabled with a vote, but I promise 17 virgins with a flick of a switch.

And now, The headlines... Michael Moore's movie sells out in my hideout cinema in Afgan...nevermind. Back to you Dan!

Dan Rather: Thanks alot "UBie". I've heard rumors that the infidels; which is of course, the Americans, are suffering heavy losses in Iraq.

UBL: That's right! And we also have decided to nominate Al-Zarkawi to run in the Great Satan's 2008 election.

Dan Rather: Wonderful news! Thank you UBL! And I'd like to remind everyone in the audience that you can get UBL's latest NY Times best-seller..."Our Friend Is A Big Fat Stupid White Film-maker" out at bookstores everywhere.

Next up. Republicans are against "undocumented residents" from being able to get a position in the government. But my sources say that could change by the 2008 election.

We'll be right back.

giddy-up-a-oom-pop-a-oom-pop-a-mow mow

i'd like to phone a friend, Regis.

the Oakridge Boys finally found a replacement for the late William Golden.

With great regret, I have suspended my campaign for President of Afghanistan.

And Iraq.

And, er, um, Libya.

Syria & Iran aren't looking too good, either.

Praise Allah for the bib.

(singing to Dan Rather)

Could you be?
Would you be?
Won't you be?
My infidel?

Apoligies to Mr. Rogers.

Pat, I'd like to buy a guttural. Can I solve the puzzle?

So,Fidel thinks his beard is better than mine eh?
I'll show him!

"Where all the white women at?"

this is one of the funniest caption contests ever, in my opinion. y'all are hysterical.

...sorry...I got nothing.

Try to guess what I am hiding under my hat?

An.....Afro!!!

"You know 75 virgins would be just about perfect right now" -Osama

Please feed me, I'm homeless! Praise Allah, I've already eaten all my goats (even the villagers won't come too near me now). Remember me at Thanksgiving!

"You may be wondering what I'm doing here on Sixty Minutes. Well, I'll tell you up front: To endorse Badnarik for president. We'll also play a game of 'Where is Dan Rather hiding?' I'll give you a hint: under the desk, and his mouth is full."

[Stiffly]
"She's got legs. She knows how to use them..."
--apologies to ZZTop

I don't understand Infildels. Rove pays me to accept money from Carvile to make a little speech. Oh, well the Dialysis machine needs replacement and I'd like a new goat.

Good Evening, my fellow terrorists...

From the people who brought you "The Apprentice" comes the next reality series, "The Jihadist", starring Osama bin Laden.

Every week Al Qaeda trainees try to kill as many infidels as possible or face the axe (literally) as Osama utters the phrase "You're Martyred"

America is the great satan. You are infidels who commit crimes against nature. In fact, allah has revealed that one fo your kind actually drinks puppies after putting them through a blender. Sure, we kill humans, but puppies?? Come on now, thats sick.

Okay Mr. bin Laden, hold still now.

Very good.

Your taxi-cab driver ID Card will be ready in a few minutes.

CBS's un-impeachable source is finally revealed

I'm pleased to announce the wedding of me and my favaorite goat...

"We've replaced Osama's coffee with Forger's Crystals... let's see if he can tell the difference!"

"Did you know that your camera looks exactly like a TOW missile launcher? Are you listening to me... what is your name? Butch? Bob? Something with a B... Buck! Yes, Buck Marin--"

(It is funnier if you do it with the Joe Cartoon Osama accent)

Infidel Castrol made me laugh out loud.

It's Soooooooouuuuuul Train!