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November 12, 2004
Ninja FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 11:45 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (64)

Now that Bush is reelected and terrorism is handled, it's time to focus on other threats - such as ninjas!


Q. Why an FAQ rather than a regular Know Thy Enemy™ format?
A. Because ninjas are extra troublesome and thus require the format of the revered FAQ!

Q. Does that mean no jokes at Aquaman's expense?
A. I'm sorry, but no.

Q. Isn't there already a definitive website on ninjas?
A. I believe that website is somewhat loose with the facts.

Q. So ninjas aren't mammals?
A. Don't put words in my mouth.

Q. Are ninjas Chinese or Japanese?
A. I dunno; they wear masks.

Q. What do ninjas eat?
A. Rice and turtle meat.

Q. I live in the Midwest; surely I don't have worry about ninjas.
A. WRONG! Ninjas are everywhere and just waiting to attack you. Also, that wasn't technically a question.

Q. How come I don't see any?
A. Because ninjas are good at stealth and hiding.

Q. I heard a strange noise behind me. Was that a ninja?
A. Probably.

Q. Can't I just shoot ninjas?
A. No, they dodge bullets.

Q. What if I have extra fast bullets?
A. They're still faster than those.

Q. What about Speedy Gonzales?
A. Ninjas are not faster than him.

Q. Why not have Speedy Gonzales fight all the ninjas then?
A. Because he has to shout "Andale, andale! Ariba, ariba! Eh-hah!" before being fast, giving ninjas plenty of time to hide.

Q. Is it true the government is working on a new, quieter version of Speedy Gonzales?
A. I can neither confirm nor deny that.

Q. How can I fight back against ninjas?
A. With kung fu skills.

Q. How long does it take to develop kung fu skills?
A. A lifetime.

Q. What if I only have a couple hours free?
A. It's better than nothing.

Q. I don't have time to become a kung fu master.
A. Then you better schedule time - to die!

Q. Aren't we by kung fu fighting ninjas just contributing to the cycle of violence?
A. Yeah. So?

Q. You're not supposed to ask questions.
A. I can do what I want.

Q. Isn't there a quicker easier way to defend against ninjas?
A. You could hire a wandering ronin.

Q. Are they all trustworthy?
A. Well, uh... carpe diem.

Q. Don't you mean "caveat emptor"?
A. Shut up.

Q. Is it true that ninjas poison their blades?
A. I'm not sure. Best not to get cut by them just in case.

Q. I'm worried about their throwing stars. What do I do?
A. Use your kung fu skills to dodge them. Alternatively, block them with a katana.

Q. What if the ninja is expecting me to dodge and thus throws a star not quite aimed at me? Aren't I better off then just standing still?
A. Now you’re just being silly.

Q. Can't I just build a big wall to protect me from ninjas?
A. Ninjas can climb walls.

Q. What about a moat?
A. Ninjas can jump far and will jump over your moat.

Q. What if it's a really wide moat?
A. That might work.

Q. Can monkeys be ninjas?
A. Maybe, but you should kill them anyway.

Q. I hear ninjas climb around in the rafters of buildings. Is that true?
A. Yes. Whenever entering a building, fire blindly into the rafters.

Q. I thought you said before they dodge bullets?
A. I say lots of things.

Q. Do ninjas hide in trees?
A. All the time, so cut down trees. No safe haven for ninjas!

Q. But I like forests.
A. Then you're a ninja sympathizer!

Q. Well, aren't there good ninjas?
A. Yes, dead ninjas... unless they become zombies.

Q. How do I fight zombie ninjas?
A. Now we're getting out of my scope of knowledge. Try a crucifix.

Q. A crucifix? That's your solution for everything supernatural!
A. Well I'm Catholic; what do you want?

Q. Can we even win the war against ninjas?
A. Ninjas have been around since the days of Noah, and they shall always be around. The best we can do is make attacking Americans so hard that they stick to attacking countries we don't care about.

Q. What countries don't we care about?
A. I can't name them because I never heard of them... which is part of the reason I don't care about them.

Rating: 2.7/5 (40 votes cast)

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