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December 03, 2004
Know Thy Enemy: The United Nations
The United Nations has shown itself to be increasingly corrupt and an impediment to the United States of America (the best United States of all). Thus, I sent my crack research team to find out all they could about the U.N. FUN FACTS ABOUT THE UNITED NATIONS * The U.S. created the United Nations in 1945 in an effort to centralize pointless squabbling. * The job of the U.N. is to make other nations feel like they have a say in things while the U.S. goes ahead and does whatever the hell it feels like. * The U.N. has expanded its job to getting kickbacks for their members and hating Israel. * Most of the voting in the U.N. is for non-binding resolutions that hold no weight. It's like internet polls with more Jew-hating. * The main power in the U.N is held by the few members of the Security Council who can vote and have vetoes. For some strange reason, France has a permanent seat at that council. It's their last semblance of having any influence whatsoever in this world, and they guard it as protectively as Frenchmen can. * The main job for the U.N. is "peacekeeping" which usually means "whining at the U.S." * While the U.N. never actually stops massacres and genocide, it does have endless debate about them. And isn't that better than nothing? * No, it is not. * The U.N. is full of dictatorships who get to vote on issues. Voting for them is new, but they realize how much better hating the Jews is when you pass a full resolution. * The U.N. headquarters is in N.Y. and is technically not U.S. property. If you beat up some U.N. guy, the U.N. police would be the ones to try and arrest you. All you would have to do is then step out of the building and they wouldn't have jurisdiction over you. Then you could tell a NY cop, "I just beat up a U.N. guy!" and he'd be like, "Cool!" Then the U.N. police would yell from their front door, "He beat up some guy here. You extradite him back into this building!" And the cop would answer, "No." Heh, that's funny. * U.N. people have silly names like Boutros Boutros, Kofi, and Kojo to reinforce how useless they are. It's sad that some countries are so backwards they don't know those names are silly. * Well, I guess it's not technically "sad" since I'm laughing. * The U.N. sometimes holds councils in other countries on topics such as women's rights or the environment. Whatever the original topic is supposed to be, the main order of the day is always U.S. and Israel bashing. * The U.N. has had some of the worst human rights offenders head their council on human rights. If they were told to guard a henhouse, they'd probably appoint a fox. * U.N peacekeepers have blue helmets. While not strategic for camouflage, U.N. peacekeepers never do anything anyway, so they might as well have colorful helmets. * If attacked by U.N. peacekeepers, find the portal out of the strange dimension you got yourself trapped in. * When dealing with U.N. members, remember that their greediness is only matched by their cowardice. Try shaking them to get what you want. * With such scandals as the Oil for Food program, the U.N. shows itself to be both inept and corrupt. On the other hand, its building is shiny. * In a fight between U.N. and Aquaman, the U.N. would endlessly talk about deploying peacekeepers against Aquaman but never actually do it. Thus Aquaman would win by default. Yes, there is at least one entity in this world more impotent than Aquaman. * While the U.S. dropping out of the U.N. would cripple the corrupt organization and save the U.S. money, it would make lots of whiny nations angry at us... which, come to think of it, isn't really a change. * Plans for turning the U.N. headquarters into an IHOP are on the table, but nothing has been finalized. 55 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: The United Nations"
first! :) best know they enemy ever. #1 - Posted by: Porter on December 3, 2004 11:44 AMI'd have to agree with Porter. This is Teeshirt material, right here. #2 - Posted by: willow on December 3, 2004 11:51 AMGood post, FrankJ! I've long thought we should form an organization called, "United Democratic Nations." It would need a smaller building. #4 - Posted by: Eric90230 on December 3, 2004 12:01 PMHey, Aquaman's not impotent. He's managed to keep Mera, Lori Lemaris, someone named "Dolphin" and quite possibly a real dolphin, happy. And that was before his multi-functional "hook". Although, considering how long he can hold his breath, (and I'm not even going to make a humorous reference to fish) it's possible that he could be impotent and still keep any of them happy. Anyway... Great work. And you didn't even mention that ridiculous Hallween unicef nonsense. #6 - Posted by: greg zywicki on December 3, 2004 12:10 PMUsed to be one called NATO. But that's changed... #7 - Posted by: Beo on December 3, 2004 12:11 PMExcellent,Frank.Willow's right,this is tee-shirt worthy stuff,right here. #8 - Posted by: Moe on December 3, 2004 12:13 PMMichael New was (and is) right. Any U.S. President that tries to make our soldiers wear the UN blue should be impeached. Wait, that already happened. Remember the bad-ass militias that thought the UN was going to send their peacekeepers to take over the USA? That could only happen if we lose a nuclear war. Or a Democrat is President. Nuke the Moon now and make sure it never happens. #9 - Posted by: McWert Deglieb on December 3, 2004 12:13 PMU.N. bad. IHOP good. Top notch funny! #10 - Posted by: jonag on December 3, 2004 12:16 PMNew Yorkers would surely like the UN property turned into a "JesusLand" theme park! #11 - Posted by: LynnGunn on December 3, 2004 12:20 PMThat was just too good to not be put on a T-Shirt. #12 - Posted by: A7 on December 3, 2004 12:28 PMWow. I honestly thought it was subpar; you really have no idea how quick I hacked this out. But I think replacing the U.N. headquarters with an International House of Pancakes really is a good compromise. #13 - Posted by: Frank J. on December 3, 2004 12:32 PMfrank, you are my hero #14 - Posted by: on December 3, 2004 12:38 PMIt must be because you are a genius, Frank. Its the only answer if such wealth of knowledge and wisdom comes so easily to you in under five minutes ;) #15 - Posted by: Leslie on December 3, 2004 12:52 PMI think making the UN an international house of pancakes is a great idea! However, Reading all this about IHOPs before breakfast has made me very hungry, and I live 200 miles from the nearest IHOP! So, Dang you Frank J for making me hungry! :-) #16 - Posted by: Chris James on December 3, 2004 01:39 PMIt is subpar actually. Try harder. Add some monkey rights issues, and spell jooooos correctly. #17 - Posted by: Drew on December 3, 2004 01:40 PM Light blue helmets make my crosshairs stand out...... Absolutely Impeccable and Flawless Truth. What else could be said other than Well done, I enjoyed reading it. #19 - Posted by: Bob on December 3, 2004 02:17 PMMight I suggest that the batman villains in the original Batman Movie (1966) and their UN delegate dehydrating machine might be more appropriate for this particular venture? #20 - Posted by: Kyle on December 3, 2004 02:20 PMKyle, Please make an IMAO t-shirt with this on it. If you do I will order one, and vote for you daily until the weblog polls close. mmmmm IHOP. *sigh*. #23 - Posted by: MK on December 3, 2004 02:40 PMYou were in the zone. Very funny. Have you forwarded the link to Kofi yet? #24 - Posted by: Dave in Texas on December 3, 2004 03:02 PMokay now I want pancakes for dinner. It really is t-shirt material along with "Working's for Homos; let them eat dick!" #26 - Posted by: Neo-con Samurai on December 3, 2004 03:14 PMmmmmmmmm....pannnnncakes.... #27 - Posted by: FormerHostage on December 3, 2004 03:17 PMI, too, am now hundreds of miles from the nearest IHOP. Curses. Frank, I see the twisted irony in "International"... mwheh... but we should name it the UNilateral house of Pancakes. No French toast served here. #28 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 3, 2004 03:20 PMI, too, am now hundreds of miles from the nearest IHOP. Curses. Frank, I see the twisted irony in "International"... mwheh... but we should name it the UNilateral house of Pancakes. No French toast served here. #29 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 3, 2004 03:23 PMKay now I know how all those double comments get here. Cursed nonsensical error messages!!!!!! #30 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 3, 2004 03:24 PMWe should kick the UN out, turn it into a gigantic stack of condos and give it to Michael Moore, who will probably only let people he likes get the other condos. Then, pay off all the news companies to digitally add a "RNC headquarters" sign to the old UN building whenever it appears on TV. Hmmm... maybe just fill it with a shopping mall with everything stereotypically American. Then, conveniently "forget" to mark the property as back under the U.S., so we can fill the building out with some casinos. #31 - Posted by: George guy on December 3, 2004 03:26 PMWow. I honestly thought it was subpar; you really have no idea how quick I hacked this out. To tell the truth, I thought it was subpar, too. Don't get me wrong, it had quite a bit of funny. I just thought that some of your previous "Know Thy Enemy"s (like the terrorists one, or the Democrats one) were better. *Shrug* Difference of opinion, I guess. #32 - Posted by: AWG on December 3, 2004 03:50 PMNo No! Peacekeepers do TOO get to do stuff! Orion #34 - Posted by: Orion on December 3, 2004 04:21 PMPeacekeepers do TOO get to do stuff! Orion #35 - Posted by: Orion on December 3, 2004 04:22 PMLOL! And Princess Kimberly beat me to it, but I'll echo "America, F*CK YEAH!" hey... not all UN Peacekeepers are bad. There were some documentaries on the Rawanda genocide a few month ago that mentioned some really brave peacekeepers who broke every UN rule to save as many people as their extremely limited forces could. #40 - Posted by: Nephi on December 3, 2004 06:39 PMLMAO! rates right up there with the Liberal and Terrorist Know Thy Enemies! Loved Aquaman and "No, it is not." And I blame it on still trying to kick the last remnants of sickness, but I somehow totally missed the hilarious significane of the IHOP #41 - Posted by: guest on December 3, 2004 08:57 PMdont forget though, that the man in charge of the UN's military is, and always has been, a member of the communist party. the USA set it up so that would be the case, always. #42 - Posted by: Jackal on December 3, 2004 09:31 PMHow about turn the UN headquarters in to a WaffleHouse. #43 - Posted by: Tyler on December 4, 2004 01:48 AMi was going to have eggs for breakfast, but i heard there is a new UNilateral house of pancakes in town. if the USA created the un why can't we destroy it? #44 - Posted by: pale rider on December 4, 2004 04:53 AMIt was funny and clever as Frank always is but it did lack that special something that the previous KTE's did. I agree with Tyler though. Wafflehouse is much better. Mucho. #45 - Posted by: Heath C. on December 4, 2004 05:48 AMF off with your crap.. Come up with facts not stupid kiddies stories. Why don't you go and stick it with your jews ass* down the pot.. #46 - Posted by: Julian on December 4, 2004 06:46 AMI propose a full resolution to eat a Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n' Fruity. Actually, I was inspired by The Simpsons to eat at the MUNICIPAL House of Pancakes, where they send you your pancakes in the mail!! #47 - Posted by: XSpyder on December 4, 2004 10:09 AMYou're absolutly right, Nephi. Not all UN peace keepers are bad and I don't think anyone here ever generalizes these things to everyone in a group. But, as an entity, the UN is worthless and so are it's forces. I say we get the hell out, kick them out of NY, and watch it collapse from the inside. #48 - Posted by: Neo-con Samurai on December 4, 2004 01:54 PMme no blog so good. not that I really care about showing up on the trackback link, but I would like to do what's appropriate (and maybe let Frank's head get a little big, deservedly so, by knowing people are linking to him)...anyway, I tried copying the trackback link, and that just goes to the trackback page...not sure if i've tried to link just to the post itself from IMAO, but on other blogs that have both trackbacks and normal links, using the latter also didn't appear in the trackback. so does anyone understand my question (because I barely do...anything beyond simple linking or html tags is beyond my blogging ability to date :P)? Again, I really don't care either way, unless I'm breaking some accepted protocol amongst bloggers that I'm not aware of ;-) #49 - Posted by: guest on December 4, 2004 09:07 PMI was laughing until the last point: YOU STOLE MY MATERIAL, FRANK J.!!! AND AFTER ALL THE LOVE I SENT YOUR WAY!! I'm gonna go join the Axis of Naughty... #50 - Posted by: Chase on December 4, 2004 09:11 PMWow. There's several people here who claim to be hundreds of miles from the nearest IHOP. Where are you guys? Canada? I can't escape the place. It's everywhere! #51 - Posted by: Lionstone on December 4, 2004 10:01 PMT-shirt! #52 - Posted by: LokiDoki on December 5, 2004 06:21 AMUm, Honduras. Actually, heck, there might be one here. I should go look. #53 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 5, 2004 11:26 AMI want my Senator Helms back! #54 - Posted by: Sam on December 6, 2004 01:59 PMNow, lets be reasonable here. Lets turn the UN building into the mother of all anti-terror command posts. HQ for the War on Terror. It would be the first time the building was used to solve more problems then it would create. #55 - Posted by: Jared on December 6, 2004 07:12 PMPost a comment
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