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December 06, 2004
In My World: Cleaning Up the U.N.
Bush looked over the back of the Declaration of Independence carefully. "So where is that treasure map?" Laura Bush snatched it from his hands. "What did I tell you about playing with historical documents? I'm taking this back to the National Archives." "Aww," Bush moaned as Laura walked away. He then picked up his phone. "Frist, where's that intelligence bill?" "We're still working on it." "What! What's the use of a majority if they don't do what I tell them? You shape up, or I'll find some other Congress to do my bidding!" Bush hung up. "Now I'm bored." Bush spotted Scott McClellan walking by. "Hey, Scott; what's happening in the world?" "Well... uh... there is the oil for food scandal at the U.N." "Great idea!" Bush exclaimed as he sat up. "Let's clean up the U.N." Bush opened up a closet revealing a large number of baseball bats. He picked one up. "Here, you pick one, Scott." "Uh... okay," Scott said dubiously as he took a bat. Bush poked Scott in the stomach with his bat. "That's a bat for playing baseball with, dumbass! Get a beating bat." Bush then handed Scott a new bat. "So what are we going to do with these bats?" Scott asked. "You're so dumb," Bush answered as he headed out of the office, "Now let's find Rumsfeld." Rumsfeld was nearby using a phone and shouting, "I want the insurgents dead! DEAD! You should be killing them now! ...You're not killing them; you're talking to me!" "Hey, Rummy, can we borrow your dog?" Bush asked. "Yes! Just stop bothering me!" "Deal! Chomps, grab your U.N. helmet." Chomps grabbed his blue peacekeeper helmet, flipped it in the air, and caught it on his head. He then growled at whatever he suspected he'd be angry at soon. Bush, Scott, and Chomps headed for the door, but were soon spotted by Laura. "Quick, Scott, use your spin powers so she doesn't get suspicious." "What are you two doing with baseball bats and Rumsfeld's angry dog?" Laura questioned. "Uh... we're going to play baseball at the park," Scott answered. "But those look like beating bats to me... as evidenced by the blood stains on them," Laura said suspiciously. "No, we... uh... painted them with splashes of red... which all the cool kids are doing now." "Then why does Chomps have his U.N. peacekeeper helmet?" "He's using that as a baseball helmet." "And why don't you two have helmets?" "We're… uh… much less safety conscious than Chomps.." Laura tried to stare down Scott. "Okay, but I'm going to keep my eye on you two!" She then walked off. "Good job, Scott," Bush said, "Now let's go smash!" * * * * "Smash! Smash! Smash!" Bush yelled as he swung his bat around and smashed stuff in the U.N. "You smash stuff too!" he told Scott. "Okay," Scott said as he dubiously hit stuff with his bat. "Hey! This is fun!" "You look suspicious to me!" Bush yelled at one U.N. delegate. He then raised his bat. "You get out of the U.N.!" The man ran away in fear. "This place is filled with lackeys of dictators." "What are you doing?" Kofi Annan demanded. "We're cleaning up the U.N., Coffee," Bush told him. He then picked up a paperweight off a desk and threw it at a window, shattering it. "And we do windows!" "We'll see about that!" Kofi answered, "Kojo!" A large man entered the room. "I am Kojo!" he yelled, "The U.N. exists for Kojo to make money. You smash U.N., then you fight Kojo. I am Kojo." "I'll smash you good!" Bush yelled as he ran at Kojo and swung his bat. The bat smashed to pieces against Kojo. Kojo laughed. "You cannot smash Kojo! I am Kojo!" "Well, then," Bush said, backing up, "I think it's time for Kojo to meet Cujo." Chomps then leapt at Kojo with a vicious growl. "No! Kojo no like being bit by angry dog! I am Kojo!" "Now that's some good peacekeeping, Chomps," Bush chuckled. "You cannot come in here and maul my son with your dog!" Kofi shouted. "I can do whatever I want; I'm a newly reelected American president," Bush answered, "Isn't that right, Scott." "Well, you were reelected, but I'm not sure that gives you legal authority to..." "Shut up, Scott," Bush interrupted, "Anyway, Coffee, you better stop the U.N. from being so inept and corrupt!" "Never!" Kofi shouted defiantly. "Scott, smash him with your bat," Bush ordered. "Uh... I don't know about smashing people. You see..." Suddenly something hit Scott's bat. It was a shuriken stuck inside it. "Oh no!" Bush shouted, "It's the Chinese delegation to U.N. - evil Chinese Commie ninjas! Cheese it!" Bush and Scott then ran away with ninjas in hot pursuit. * * * * "So, did Bush and you go to the U.N. to smash things with baseball bats, even mauling Kofi Annan's son with an angry dog, until you were chased away by Chinese ninjas?" a reporter asked. "Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?" Scott scoffed. "Does America face a kung fu gap with the Chinese?" Melinda Hawkish of FOX News asked. "That's insane," Scott answered, "Our kung fu is superior to theirs." "Then do a flying dragon punch," Melinda challenged. "Uh... later. My back is acting up." Melinda then leapt up behind the podium and got Scott in a headlock while twisting his wrist. "It's obvious the Bush administration's kung fu is weak," Melinda said to her camera, "This is a FOX News exclusive." "Ow! Doesn't this go against journalistic standards?" Scott whined. The crowd of reporters laughed at the sound of the phrase "journalistic standards." "I hate you guys." 37 Responses To "In My World: Cleaning Up the U.N."
I,m not going to say first...d@mn #1 - Posted by: on December 6, 2004 08:45 AMAwesome, I'll evem forgive you for stealing my material in the KTE: UN #2 - Posted by: Chase on December 6, 2004 08:47 AMWhat color is the sky in your world? #3 - Posted by: McWert Deglieb on December 6, 2004 09:30 AMUnfair, unbalanced, etc. And extremely boring. #4 - Posted by: jlchydro@hotmail.com on December 6, 2004 09:38 AMUnfair, unbalanced, etc. And extremely boring. #6 - Posted by: jlchydro@hotmail.com on December 6, 2004 09:38 AMUnfair, unbalanced, etc. And extremely boring. #7 - Posted by: jlchydro@hotmail.com on December 6, 2004 09:39 AMRemember the sitcom "That's My Bush!" that Comedy Central tried to put on back in 2000 or 2001? Well, that sitcom sucked. I can't help but feel, though, that your "In My World" posts were the kind of funny over-the-top presidential fiction they were shooting for. Too bad those highly paid professional writers sucked so bad at something an underpaid (I presume)electrical engineer is so good at. #8 - Posted by: Lionstone on December 6, 2004 09:43 AM"That's My Bush" had a general lack of ninjas and angry rottweilers. That was it's problem. #9 - Posted by: Ian S. on December 6, 2004 09:48 AM"Does America face a kung fu gap with the Chinese?" It's all that anti-bullying legislation. If American kids don't learn how to take down a bully on the playground, our kung fu will will continue to deteriorate! #10 - Posted by: LibertyBob on December 6, 2004 09:49 AM"Does America face a kung fu gap with the Chinese?" It's all that damned anti-bullying legislation. If American kids don't learn how to take down a bully on the playground, American Kung fu will continue to deteriorate. #11 - Posted by: LibertyBob on December 6, 2004 09:52 AM"He then growled at whatever he suspected he'd be angry at soon." Chomps never fails to amuse me. You're in fine form, Frank. #12 - Posted by: Harvey on December 6, 2004 09:53 AMYou mean there's a difference between the baseball bats for beating and bats for baseball. OH yah I'm just a poor man from WA. My bats are milti-use. #13 - Posted by: mulch on December 6, 2004 09:59 AMrepeat posts are annoying you dummies! Is it jlchydro@hotmail.com or jlchydro, you're funny! Can we crash under your bridge later? I'll bring soda. #15 - Posted by: kyber on December 6, 2004 10:12 AMDo you suppose God made the sky blue as a warning against the UN? #16 - Posted by: McWert Deglieb on December 6, 2004 10:21 AMjchydro lives under a bridge? Is that what they call the democraticunderground? I wouldn't go there if I were you, I heard the smell of their unbathed bodies could kill every terrorist in the world. That's why they never leave their "underground". #17 - Posted by: on December 6, 2004 10:44 AMThe giveaway is the ".ca" at the end of the e-mail. The .ca designates an Internet user who's either from Canada or an American that thinks so little of U.S. Internet services that he uses a Canadian e-mail server. Is it shocking to anyone that an America-hating Canadian disregards Frank's satire of the current sorry state of the U.N.'s alleged leadership? The 'I spat coffee over my keyboard' line is pretty lame, but I had to put my mug down several times reading this otherwise I would've done a spit take. I think the 'Kojo, meet Cujo' bit was just genius (which is why I voted for you in the weblog awards). What's a shrunken? Isn't that what happens to my laundry? How can a shrunken be stuck? And why did you spell shrunken "shuriken "? Was your spelchek made in china? jesse on/ I nominate you for the Norman Cousins' Memorial Cures People of Bone Spurs Weblog prize. Also I think my platelet count went up. Uh, "Anonymous@10:44 AM", good point. No matter how funny may it be, too dangerous. #22 - Posted by: kyber on December 6, 2004 12:11 PMWould it be terribly evil to start signing "jlchydro" up for all sorts of "special offers from our partners" type SPAM? I mean, evil is fine, but I'd hate to be terribly evil. #23 - Posted by: Lionstone on December 6, 2004 12:20 PMLefty liberals did it to me all the time when I was a columnist... I say: "fight fire with fire." #24 - Posted by: The Real Scott on December 6, 2004 12:28 PM"...kung-fu gap with the Chinese." Great stuff. #25 - Posted by: 007 on December 6, 2004 12:37 PMNinjas are Japanese, you white imperialistic warmonger. #26 - Posted by: Gleeful Extremist on December 6, 2004 01:10 PMYes, Ninjas are Japanese. These should have been Evil Commie Shao-Lin Monks, instead. #27 - Posted by: Black Swan on December 6, 2004 02:11 PMStill loving this site Frank. I check at least 3 times a week. #28 - Posted by: NavyHusker on December 6, 2004 02:32 PMLoved it! Ninjas are Japanese, not Chinese, you philistien! An' you call yourself a ronin... #30 - Posted by: TommyRude on December 6, 2004 04:20 PMI thought ninjas were monkeys in disguise. Whatever. #31 - Posted by: santa on December 6, 2004 04:56 PM"Does America face a kung fu gap with the Chinese?" Melinda Hawkish of FOX News asked. "That's insane," Scott answered, "Our kung fu is superior to theirs." "Then do a flying dragon punch," Melinda challenged. "Uh... later. My back is acting up."
Great post Actually there is a bit of a cross-pollination of the Ninja Way. Chinese Ninjas are known as Sokkan and Gokan (with Gokan divided into 5 types of specialization). Oh, Frank. Got a question. I've been learning Ninjitsu primarily because the fighting style is the most open of all Eastern fighting styles, but I realize it is also the Way of Evil. My reasoning on continuing is much like that of Europe during the Industrial Revolution: They got the awesome power of science (Ninjitsu in my case), and dealt with the secular humanism that came with it (Lack of Honor Code and anachronistic ceremony in my case), viewing the former a greater good than the latter evil. Am I right in this reasoning? #33 - Posted by: ISV_Damocles on December 6, 2004 09:00 PMWe must not allow a kung fu gap! #34 - Posted by: General Buck Turgidson on December 8, 2004 05:50 PM Electrolysis Hair http://cgi.tripod.com/new-york-hotel/cgi-bin/index.pl #36 - Posted by: New York Hotels and Vacations on January 21, 2005 09:44 AMhttp://cgi.tripod.com/new-york-hotel/cgi-bin/index.pl #37 - Posted by: New York Hotels and Vacations on January 21, 2005 09:45 AMPost a comment
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