I've been bugging Frank about turning in a Dead Pool roster. Sometimes at three in the morning, I'll sneak into his kitchen, and I'll emboss threats into his breakfast cereal.

Despite my harassment campaign, he has yet to come up with fifteen names. Bu, you know,t it doesn't take much time to read through his archives and figure out who his fifteen picks would be...

* Paul Begala of CNN's Crossfire will be found facedown in a puddle of his own urine, clutching both Hillary and Bill Clinton's autobiographies. Tucker Carlson will end up paired with Samuel L. Jackson, who will spend the entire half-hour of the show screaming for no reason whatsoever.

* Colin Powell will be walking down the street and all of the sudden POW! he'll explode. No reason why, no explanation whatsoever. Chomps will be blamed, of course. Condi Rice will appear before the Security Council with the last remaining vial of Colin Powell, threatening the delegates with releasing the ash if they don't vote to abolish Yemen.

* Aquaman might not be real, but he's real enough to kill. Pretty much everything can kill Aquaman, so there's no point in guessing. Just treat predicting Aquaman's death like shaking a box to figure out what is inside. Was it poison? Was it a gun? Was it a papercut? Who knows!

* Kofi Annan of the United Nations is the coward's coward, refusing to appear anywhere near the various conflicts that his incompetence has spawned or allowed to fester. He will hide out at a Pacers-Pistons game, where he'll be struck by a deorbiting satellite. Joooooooooooooooooooooos!

* Jim McDermott and David Bonior will head to Canada, get married, and then wind up slaughtered as infidels when they try to spend their honeymoon in Damascus.

* Dan Rather will sign off for the last time in March, pull out a gun, and begin shooting the technical staff in the studio. He will blame Republicans for the berserk attack, screaming "From Hells' heart I stab at thee, for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee!" as he flings himself out of a window to splatter against the Manhattan streets below.

* Andy Rooney thought that whining about the different kinds of pizza would be a good topic for the week. And then, there's the "Best Pizza In Town" signs you see on all the pizza joints in Manhattan. So he went out for a walk and a slice of pizza, only to be struck dead by Dan Rather.

* Jacques Chirac will be caught spraypainting swastikas on a Jewish cemetery by a passing band of fundamentalist Muslims. They will point out to him that he's spraypainting them backwards and behead him on the spot.

* Michael Moore will win the Oscar for Best Picture. Mel Gibson will challenge him to a duel to the death. Michael Moore will accept that duel. The weapons? Hamburgers at ten paces. They take ten steps, and Mel Gibson manages to eat more hamburgers than Michael Moore, who chokes on his last burger and dies.

* Ted Kennedy is really a werewolf! Run for your lives! Van Helsing! Van Helsing!

* Barbara Steisand will have donated all of her millions to the charities she thought that the federal government should be subsidizing. Depending on "Meet The Fokkers" residuals to survive, she starves to death.

* Ted Rall is eaten by Barbara Streisand. That's how desperate she is, folks. She's eating crappy cartoonists. How could you, Barbara! Ted's not even Kosher!

* John Kerry will think that he needs to re-enlist and make himself appear like even more of a war hero for the 2008 election than he thought he appeared to be in 2004. As soon as he hits the tarmac at Bush Airport in Iraq, he is captured by Red Crescent "Irregulars" and harvested for organ transplants.

* The Moon will vanish in a puff of nuclear smoke.

Of course, the rules of the Dead Pool do not allow players to kill their picks unless they are acting in a capacity of law enforcement, authorized to do so in a military setting, or out of self-defense. And since we all know that Frank's lifelong dream is to nuke the moon for world peace, this would disqualify him from the competition.

But still, wouldn't that be a hoot? Nuking the moon?

Yeah, I'd make a three-day weekend out of it.

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