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December 14, 2004
Who Needs News Stories When You Have Headlines
Headlines fun! I took a stab at some more: Peterson jury recommends death sentence Here are what I thought were the best ones from yesterday's comment section. They make The Tarantor's job look easy. * * * * Leavitt Tapped for HHS. tomorrow he'll do interpretive dance for HUD. Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 02:35 PM * * * * From the Savannah Morning News: Meanwhile, the rest of Georgia wants to know what the hell an armillary is. Hey, you didn't say it had to be national news. Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 02:38 PM * * * * Man, 80, Lives 18 Hours in Sea. unconfirmed reports state he lived the other 701,262 hours on land. Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 02:40 PM * * * * http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A61083-2004Dec13.html?nav=headlines Title: Gaza Violence Dents Hopes of Middle East Peace. ...but they left a note on the windshield so it's OK. Posted by: FormerHostage on December 13, 2004 02:46 PM * * * * Kids shun libraries for online information Libraries 'lack of porn' is cited as top reason. Posted by: gaskar on December 13, 2004 02:49 PM * * * * Government Must Do More to Prevent Future Voter Fraud President Bush to outlaw elections in Chicago and at Wizbang. Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 02:56 PM * * * * Breast Cancer Test Predicts Who Will, Won't, Benefit From Chemo among those listed as not benefiting are those without cancer. Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 03:00 PM * * * * Jury Reaches Sentence Decision recommends capitalizing first letter and ending with period. Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 03:03 PM [Ed. Note: SarahK should try using their reccomendation.] * * * * Pakistan: No CIA Bases Here that you know of. Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 03:05 PM * * * * School v. God my odds are on God. Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 03:09 PM * * * * Phishing Scams Continue to Grow - If you belive you've been the victim of a Phishing Scam, please send your name, address, Social Security Number, Date of Birth, Mother's maiden name, account information, and PIN to.... Posted by: FormerHostage on December 13, 2004 03:21 PM * * * * Studies show Weblogging to be addictive FDA hopes to approve patch... Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 13, 2004 03:22 PM * * * * From MSNBC.com: FBI: U.S. Murder Rate Declining Posted by: Confederate Yankee on December 13, 2004 03:33 PM * * * * From MSN: Single Tobit theroy unshaken Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 03:37 PM * * * * From The Washington Post: The other 2/11 were easy. Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 03:54 PM * * * * Japan jumps on Sony's PSP" -CNET News.com Japan now reading the warranty card. Posted by: siklilpig on December 13, 2004 04:25 PM * * * * US Denies Meddling in Ukraine Election President Bush says he found "Go Yushchenko" t-shirt at garage sale, couldn't resist bargain. Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 04:59 PM * * * * Review: Two musicians, dying young we thought it was a riot! Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 05:13 PM * * * * Study: Christmas deadliest day for Americans MSM blames the joooooos! Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 05:16 PM * * * * Men Who Remarry Tend to Gain Weight, Ignore Health women who remarry tend to gain weight, ignore husband. Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 09:44 PM [Ed. Note: What's this supposed to mean?] * * * * Migraines May Increase Stroke Risk so may raising the blood pressure of migraine-sufferers by telling them they're going to die of stroke. Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 09:46 PM * * * * From BBC: U.S. children no longer have to finish their peas. Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 09:56 PM * * * * From BBC: Montgomery, Birmingham, and Tuscaloosa multimedia doing just fine. Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 10:00 PM * * * * Gay pastor dispute divides Methodists the pastors are fighting over wallpaper colors. Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 10:09 PM * * * * Kenyans Revolt againts President due to Excessive Lions Running Rampant:
Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 13, 2004 10:17 PM * * * * From Atlanta Journal-Constitution: Arrest of glue and sparkles still under investigation. Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 10:47 PM * * * * From CNN: El Salvador responds, "Not tonight, I have a headache." Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 11:01 PM * * * * Accountants found to excel in math Also found that there are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't. Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 13, 2004 11:03 PM * * * * HEADLINE: Flu shot supply grows as demand dwindles. FOLLOWUP: Newly developed technique creates vaccine from the blood of dead flu victims. Posted by: Brian on December 14, 2004 12:04 AM * * * * Immigrant Aliens Angry over Sprint Wireless Cell Phone Plan: Not allowed to phone home... Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 14, 2004 06:11 AM * * * * Six Flags Hosting "Pagan Day Only" in Mass. Parking lot reads: Witch parking only, all others will be toad... Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 14, 2004 06:26 AM 114 Responses To "Who Needs News Stories When You Have Headlines"
FIRST #1 - Posted by: cheese on December 14, 2004 01:06 PMGood job cheese. Let's the FIRST!! wagon train rolling again. Hyah, hyah!! #2 - Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 14, 2004 01:11 PMIndeed... Sum caseus maximus! #3 - Posted by: cheese on December 14, 2004 01:12 PMMan bites dog, police say Stupid, I know, but this is addictive! I think you stumbled onto something here Frank. #4 - Posted by: gaskar on December 14, 2004 01:21 PMcheese, gaskar, "China 'no longer needs food aid'" U.S. children no longer have to finish their peas. Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 09:56 PM I agree with coloradoguy. Basil, that's some good stuff. #7 - Posted by: aric on December 14, 2004 01:45 PMFed Likely to Keep Hiking Rates Into 2005 They will Hike the Grand Canyon in 2006, Footballs 2007 #8 - Posted by: Josh on December 14, 2004 01:49 PMFox: Breast Implant, Suicide Link Explored. Exploring a woman's breast can get you killed. #9 - Posted by: Mr. Bubble on December 14, 2004 01:49 PMMichael Jackson seeks trial delay from Wash. Times Rumsfeld targets reporters. Pentagon Chief proves to be better shot. Firefight over in seconds. #11 - Posted by: Plea Deal on December 14, 2004 01:55 PMFrom FoxNews: Scientists name it "mud." #12 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 01:57 PMCNN: Peterson's lack of emotion doomed him. From CNN: Hopes to be able to pronounce his name by end of spring. #14 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 02:02 PMFed raises rate. MSNBC: France opens worlds tallest bridge From Washington Post: ... despite DNC demands for recount. #17 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 02:06 PM"Twin Sisters Deliver Sets of Twin Boys"... in 30 minutes or less, or they're free!!! #18 - Posted by: Nobody Move! on December 14, 2004 02:08 PMFrom the Washington Post: Just the latest setback in school's attempt to hire a football coach. #19 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 02:09 PMMSNBC: Wash. Court rejects Democratic suit in recount > Nobody Move! at December 14, 2004 02:08 PM Now *that's* comedy! #21 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 02:10 PMFrom MSN: George Michael Slams Elton. Phil Collins to release song on Cuban immigration (OK, not a real headline, but it should have been.) #23 - Posted by: Confederate Yankee on December 14, 2004 02:14 PMFrom the Washington Post: New software, priced at $129, is called: DIR /O/A/S/P Star power in "Meet the Fockers" Best resorts for early season snow From NY Times: United and Pilots Reach Tentative Labor Deal: From Scrappleface: Dean Makes Bid to Take Democrat Party National Kerry Expected To Match Bid Man bites dog, police say Dog recieves rabies shot, man put to sleep Soldiers Reminisce On Days of Safe Bombs Aide thanks transportation ministry for yellow lights K, back to work #28 - Posted by: Junglejake on December 14, 2004 02:29 PMFrom USA Today: John Cleese re-packed in peanuts, returned. #29 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 02:37 PMPam Gets a Sitcom Mazola recieves three picture deal. #30 - Posted by: Josh on December 14, 2004 02:38 PMFrom: ConfederateYankee.blogspot.com: Happy Armed Jews Week! From USA Today: Evidence of hyphen confirmed. #32 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 02:42 PMMcCain: 'No confidence' in Rumsfeld These were the last known words of the late senator. His body was found today along with a note which contained this cryptic message: "I am Donald Rumsfeld. I strangled this guy ..." #33 - Posted by: gaskar on December 14, 2004 02:44 PMi posted these at my blog earlier... and i'm thinking of having a regular This Just In feature myself, to keep from clogging your comments... Google to Scan Rare Books
Ukraine Opposition Expands - Poisoning Hard to Prove No More 'Sopranos' Kraft Raises Coffee Prices on Rising Bean Cost Former Bush Campaign Chief Pleads Innocent Blockbuster Ending Late Fees leg-breaking will replace it as the on-time returns incentive. #35 - Posted by: gaskar on December 14, 2004 02:54 PMFrom The Milwaukee Channel: Seeks reward. #36 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 03:01 PMFrom WESH: All researchers at Cracker Barrel remembered Slinky and Mr. Potato Head, but only a few recalled Woolie Willie. #37 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 03:05 PMFrom MSNBC: New cookbooks will warm winter days From Local6: ... but quit to spend more time with His Family. #40 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 03:13 PMbasil, You are tooooooo funny!!!! What a gift!! #41 - Posted by: jonag on December 14, 2004 03:18 PMFrom CNNmoney: Budget deficit now stands at $115,199,999,999.75 #42 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 03:25 PMFrom the New York Times: Previous role as special interests lapdog yet to be filled. #43 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 03:31 PMFrom the New York Times: At least, that's the explanation they gave for the missing plants. #44 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 03:34 PM"BBC viewing figures fall to all-time low"... Scientists stymied as to how viewership can fall below zero. #45 - Posted by: Nobody Move! on December 14, 2004 03:37 PMFrance Blocks Hezbollah TV Hezbollah kicks France's ass then continues watching. #46 - Posted by: gaskar on December 14, 2004 03:38 PM> gaskar at December 14, 2004 03:38 PM Now *that's* funny! #47 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 03:39 PMHey, Mr. Bubles tweaked one of my blog's headlines! It's link I'm almost impotent... #48 - Posted by: Confederate Yankee on December 14, 2004 03:57 PMBush Awards Freedom Medal Christmas Tree Bark May Fight Arthritis From Drudgereport.com: You'd think a taxi driver in a Bin Laden mask would have gotten shot first... #52 - Posted by: Outback_Jon on December 14, 2004 04:06 PMFrom FoxNews: "I'll not go quietly," singer responds. #54 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 04:17 PMMan, 80, Lives 18 Hours in Sea. Highly impressed with SarahK's math. Even factored in Leap Year Days. MSNBC: France opens worlds tallest bridge Invading German armies can now see white flags hanging from 50% further away than on old bridges. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Docs gets bug drunk to remove it from boy's ear Roach to enter AA next tuesday http://www.hindustantimes.com/news/181_1152158,00050004.htm #56 - Posted by: Junglejake on December 14, 2004 04:24 PMPeterson facing long road to execution Decides to take first left and go back to California. (Personally, I'd keep going straight) #57 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 04:25 PMFrom MSNBC: Sheepishly admit they never realized why their products were selling before now. #58 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 04:27 PMAlcoholism, overeating chemically linked Pizza-eating, beer-guzzling college students undeterred. #59 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 04:27 PMFrom MSN: Matt, Festus amazed. #60 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 04:31 PMFla. man allegedly bites dog as punishment Same man later found torn to pieces. Chomps unavailable for comment. Hey, this is fun! Too bad I gotta go. Y'all save me some headlines, kay? #61 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 04:33 PMFrom MSN/PCWorld: The Hormel Company is finally located. #62 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 04:34 PMGosh-darn-it, Frank J., I wish I had thought of this! You guys that run humor sites are too much. #63 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 04:38 PMFOX News Charges were dropped when it was discovered he really was black. #64 - Posted by: Moe on December 14, 2004 04:38 PMClimate Change Impact? Look in Your Backyard yup. looks colder. #65 - Posted by: sarahk on December 14, 2004 04:39 PMAP: "Celebrities Offer Brief Relief for U.S. Troops in Iraq" Grateful troops state that it gets quite irratating going "commando". REAL BREAKING NEWS: FROM RACHEL LUCAS: "I'M BLOGGIN AGAIN, AND THIS TIME I'M PISSED!" THIS IS NOT ANOTHER FALSE START! SHE HAS A NEW URL, A NEW TITLE, AND EVERYTHING! #67 - Posted by: Gullyborg on December 14, 2004 04:45 PMNHL players' offer won't defrost owners From ABC News: Rand, Chapel happy for Troi, Crusher. #69 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 04:47 PMThe Jerusalem Post Egypt to increase olive exports to Israel by 10%.Israel to increase export of AIDS virus to Egypt by 17%. In Risky Move, AOL To Remove Walls Headline, Akron Beacon Journal 12/14/2004: Sudan: UN Suspends Aid Relief Work Followup: Expected Drop In Sudanese Birth Rate #72 - Posted by: Bryan on December 14, 2004 04:57 PMFrom ABC News: ABCNews.com recycles previous night's "Futurama" episode; tomorrow's news: Robot crosses picket line. #73 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 04:59 PMWife regrets husband's $314M lottery windfall UN Calls for Immediate End to Congo Fighting "Elton John cancels second concert date due to a throat infection." Doctor recommends he cut back on incessant screaming and semen consumption. #76 - Posted by: Moe on December 14, 2004 05:23 PMMoe, that was fantastic! Kudos to you, too, spacemonkey, though it was a bit too realistic. #77 - Posted by: Junglejake on December 14, 2004 05:57 PMAnnan's son blasts UN OIL-FOR-FOOD 'witchhunt'... Also in the news, Osama Bin Laden blasts US for unfounded terror "witchhunt" #78 - Posted by: Junglejake on December 14, 2004 06:20 PMMaybe my funny has rubbed off on my readers... #79 - Posted by: Frank J. on December 14, 2004 06:36 PMPerhaps so. Need put put something on it so it doesn't hurt so much. You got any Tiger Balm I can borrow? #80 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 06:39 PMOh gross! Frank, you got it all over me! #81 - Posted by: Junglejake on December 14, 2004 06:43 PM"Angels ink pitcher Byrd"
to prove new technologies in scanning better than reading Update: minor libraries upset at being snubbed #83 - Posted by: RepeatOffender on December 14, 2004 07:17 PMNBC: Diabetes vaccine trials to begin soon this blockbuster sequel to the Peterson trial is given rave reviews #84 - Posted by: RepeatOffender on December 14, 2004 07:21 PMToday: Get the biggest bang for your charity buck support global terrorism a message paid for lefty tards #85 - Posted by: RepeatOffender on December 14, 2004 07:26 PMMSNBC: Best resorts for early season snow Last resorts for late season snow #86 - Posted by: RepeatOffender on December 14, 2004 07:27 PMClicked: Bloggers aren't people "No, we are space aliens come to kidnap you for live fire handgun tests. We are tired of using silhouette targets." -FrankJ and the IMAO T-shirt Babe (The above was overheard by an anonymous source) #87 - Posted by: RepeatOffender on December 14, 2004 07:37 PMLame-duck appointment to airport panel assailed Report: Fewer executions in 2004 Iraq trials on tap Guinness and Budweiser dismiss new "Iraq Trials" as cheap Muslim beer. #90 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 08:18 PMFamed New York Hawk Could Regain His Perch Polar iceberg putting penguins in peril ...but big beautiful brown bears believed to be battling bravely. #92 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 08:27 PMFed raises another quarter State ups them a dime. County calls, shows straight flush Italians want fruitcake "monopoly" Rest of world quickly agrees on the condition that the fruitcakes remain in Italy. United, pilots reach tentative deal United, we can achieve anything! Even the pilots! #95 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 08:39 PM> Army NCO Guy at December 14, 2004 08:32 PM LOL!! #96 - Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 08:41 PMJoker in Bin Laden Mask Shot Riddler in Arafat mask and Penguin in Saddam mask escaped the scene on foot. #97 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 08:44 PMU.S. Makes Immigrants Fat New INS strategy not working very well as starving people continue to arrive. Ukraine Opposition Expands They were recent immigrants to the U.S.
*Vote for which Bulls & Bears prediction is most likely to come true* Blackhawks unavailable due to season lockout #99 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 08:53 PMHundreds of U.N. Troops Storm Haiti Slum Unilateral invasion condemned by U.S. #100 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 08:56 PMPalestinian militants set off bomb as a warning Israeli soldiers blow up thirty Hamas training camps. "We got your message" Kay, I think I'm caught up now. Time to go back to pestering Frank for happy dance. #103 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 09:03 PMCNN Blackbeard and Captain Kidd remain defiant. Jack Sparrow unavailable for comment. #105 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 10:09 PMThis is Spectacular ... You've all made my day !!! #106 - Posted by: Sean on December 14, 2004 10:14 PMFrom ABC News: 86% of public school teachers surveyed say yes, 48% say no. #107 - Posted by: Nobody Move! on December 14, 2004 10:24 PMInterceptor Missile Fails To Launch In Test target says " That's OK, but you really should try Viagra" Bush's Medal Of Freedom Recipients Hammered By Left but then they threw a right...and a left...and another right...and landed one right on the Lefties's jaw....and the fight was over in the first round....news at 11:00 #109 - Posted by: moehawk on December 15, 2004 05:37 AMyeah, this IS a lot of fun! looking forward to more headline posts! #110 - Posted by: moehawk on December 15, 2004 05:39 AM3 Ghosts of Bush's Recent Past i thought it was one from the past, one from the present, and one from the future...silly me. #111 - Posted by: moehawk on December 15, 2004 06:02 AMYou all about made me spew coffee on my moniter at work this morning! if I had to pick a favorite I think it would have to be: Fed raises another quarter State ups them a dime. County calls, shows straight flush Posted by Army NCO Guy at December 14, 2004 08:32 PM Classic! #112 - Posted by: LokiDoki on December 15, 2004 08:08 AMYay! Brad make people laugh! ...sorry about your monitor. And your wasted coffee. #113 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 15, 2004 12:19 PMOriginal: Judge Suspended For Wearing Blackface To Party Followup: Suspension repealed, Ginsburg to apologize to Thomas for "mistake" #114 - Posted by: Dave L. on December 15, 2004 02:13 PMPost a comment
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