FIRST!!

From the AJC:
Zell Miller grabs Fox News gig
"Hey, I don't swing that way," shouts an astonished Fox News

Woot alright, back to funny headlines..

Head of Cleveland Clinic is Attacking Big Mac

Big Mac parried and threw left haymaker, laying head of Cleveland Clinic out cold. However rest of body was still standing.

From CNN:
Stone sues surgeon over assertions
"Yes, you can get blood from me!" rock asserts in lawsuit.

Amazon Happy Dance Spurs Worry

After Frank J. spent several weeks learning the ways of the Brasilian Happy Dance, he now finds the pain and sorrow of developing the dreaded bone growth spurs commonly suffered by the Amazonian dancers...

Developing.

From CNN:
U.S. raps Cambodia over sex trade
Dear Cambodia, I wrote but you still ain't callin
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em
There probably was a problem at the post office or somethin
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em
but anyways; f*** it, what's been up? Oh, yeah, about your whorin'...

From CNN:
African Union pushes Darfur peace talks
Darfur peace talks push back

Test Results Mixed for Students in US

Had initially tried egg beater for mixing, but switched to blender...students grades beaten, but fluffy.

from www.drudgereport.com (he's got his old headlines up for voting)

"STANDING O IN CANNES FOR 'FAHRENHEIT 9-11'"

N and P look at O, shake heads, leave.

Google Planning to Index Entire Libraries

Says they will stick with dewey decimal system, and will most likely be closed Tuesdays and Thursdays.

From CNN:
Celebrity stalkers and the law
Long-awaited sequel to "Jake and the Fatman" to debut next fall

From www.cbs.sportsline.com

Pedro knows a good deal when he sees it

But he took a job with the Mets anyways.

Saban Talking with Dolphins

Dolphins replied; e-e-e-e-ah-ah!! ah-ah!!

Saban says may try talking to Marlins next...

From CNN:
Rehnquist to swear in President Bush
Then to swear at David Souter

basil, you have a gift.

'Chemical Ali' First to Be Tried
If successful, plans are to have all former members of Saddam's regime tied to jets.

indeed. give thanks.

From CNN:
Nearly 800,000 Bowflex machines recalled
Group says, "We remember ordering the damned things, we just don't remember why."

"Yushchenko's Dioxin Level 2nd Highest Ever"

When asked if his record would ever be broken Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards shouted incoherently and fell asleep.

From www.foxnews.com
Gunmen Hijack Bus Outside Athens

Threaten to blow it up if it goes under 50 MPH.

From CNN:
Meth addiction leads to sexual misery
Tom Wolfe is finally explained

From Washington Post:
Lacking Visa, Islamic Scholar Resigns Post at Notre Dame
MasterCard over limit, no help whatsoever

Stocks slip on oil

Stocks now seeks $24 billion in lawsuit.

DOJ Asked to Probe Spy Leak
Spy Leak not sure if it's cool with that, but willing to experiment.

From New York Times:
Court Upholds Patent Ruling Against Maker of BlackBerry
God, who also made strawberrys, blueberries, vows to appeal

This Car Drives and Flies - Almost

Prototype said to crash right after windows turn blue. Inventors says may open source computer control system.

From New York Times:
An Upgrade for the Fruitcake
Elton John 2.0 to be released in time for Christmas

From ps2.ign.com

Gran Turismo 4 Delayed in U.S. Too

Polyphony decides a wait of 18 months just wasn't long enough

Judge's Ten Commandments Robe Sparks Debate

Debate ended abruptly when judge disrobed.

Early Spring from Global Warming, Say Researchers

Majority of people send thank you notes for short winter...

From New York Times:
Mercury Tries to Renew Its Image
Planet asks why Venus, Mars get all the publicity

Sharks Respond to Magnetic Fields

Sharks said they don't like magnetic fields, but do have a plan for them..

From Fox News:
Nicolas Cage Measured About Marriage
... and weighed near Honeymoon

Celebrities Offer Brief Relief for US Troops

OSU entertainers said boxers usually contain too much starch...and you can never have enough clean underwear.

Robin Williams reportedly locked himself in a local radio station and was not available for comment.

From MSNBC:
Cuba demands U.S. remove Christmas lights
"Not until Cuba's dog quits knocking over my trash can," responds U.S.

WAPO - Time Warner, AOL Settle Criminal Charges

You got subpoenaed!

Tapes show a bitter John Gotti
Former cell-mate Bubba insists that he was totally sweet on Gotti.

From MSNBC:
Cuba demands U.S. remove Christmas lights
"Not until Cuba's dog quits knocking over my trash can," responds U.S.

WAPO: Lobbying Where It Counts - Fairfax Students Take Hepatitis C Campaign to Capitol Hill

Realized that hanging out at the Mall just wasn't working.

WAPO: Anna Kournikova, Iglesias Reportedly Married

Somewhere, someone reportedly gives a rat's @ss.

No bang for cheap buck
-- Hookers turn down low-bid offer from Buck again

From MSNBC:
Normal just doesn’t fit Jim Carrey
NORML, on the other hand, fits like a glove

ACLU Exposes Abuses by Marines in Iraq, Including Mock Executions
-- Marines vow to resume real executions, starting with ACLU

WAPO: Mayor Shares Blame for Eleventh-Hour Betrayal

B*tch set me up!

From MSNBC:
Sen. Daschle: ‘I feel good walking out these doors’
Video shows door did not his ass on the way out

London Producers Hope Mary Poppins Works Magic

Mary Poppins; I'll give it a go at it. But I am more of a faith healer, not a magician. "Super cures for everything except for halitosis"

David Blaine is reportly fuming and threatens to lock self in box for many months...

Government warns of hazardous fake cigarettes
-- Suggests smoking Real Hazardous cigarettes

From Chicago Sun-Times:
Body takes detour on way to burial
Family tracks down and buries Dad despite his protests

WAPO: Several Factors Contributed to 'Lost' Voters in Ohio

1 - 7 X 3 X 2, 11 X 3, and 13 X 7 X 2 each gave loose change to help them get home but suspect the money was spent on drugs.

2 - Losers' inability to find own butt with both hands listed as greatest factor.

From Chicago Sun-Times:
Immigrants become fat like U.S. natives
American Indian Movement calls description "racist"

Freshman Fowles lifts LSU
-- Coach impressed with strength of girl

WAPO: Head of Cleveland Clinic Is Attacking Big Mac

Was heard shouting as Big Mac walked away, "Come back 'ere! I'll bite your legs off!"

From Washington Times:
Baseball plan in jeopardy
To appear on "Wheel of Fortune" next week

Motorcyclists to rally for late safety advocate
-- Plans on buying a watch for him

WAPO: Yuschenko's Toxin Level 2nd-Highest on Record

1 - Women and minorities hit hardest.

2 - Yuschenko says, "It's not about winning, just doing my best is reward enough."

From BBC:
Thousands flee DR Congo hotspot
Joint Dr Pepper/7-Up drink a failure

Verizon Bids for Sprint

Verizon says after they take control plan to put up hotels once they raise enough money passing Go.

Torture survivor in Chile speaks
Quoted as saying 'Ow!'

From BBC:
Downer upbeat on PNG rescue plan
Still no plan in works for JPG, GIF

Athens Bus Hijackers Seek Flight to Russia
-- then why did they hijack a bus?

Judge Hears Geico, Google Trademark Case

Geico claims Google helping rivals because they were mad they weren't able to save 15% on car insurance...

Head of Cleveland Clinic Is Attacking Big Mac

Big Mac not worried; doesn't expect rest of body to attack.

Gunmen Seize Athens Bus

Bus's family asking for it's release

Frank,

next time list 3-5 or so headlines from the news and then have us submit our entires for the given headlines.

Ohio Judge Rules Punch-Card Voting Fair
-- Just a matter of if you are intelligent enough to punch just one candidate

cnn: U.S. science, math scores mixed

Chinese students required to help sort them out.

Women with Breast Implants have Higher Suicide Rate

But studies show they have more fun at parties...

Happy returns
Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, others still missing.

Quiet Protest Planned for Inauguration
-- I will believe this when I see it

Gunmen Seize Athens Bus

Lose grip as it drives off.

George Michael: Don't Trust Gossiping Elton

Yeah, them Careless Whispers are finally starting to get to me.

Gunmen Seize Athens Bus

Threaten to stand forward of the white line while the bus is in motion unless their demands are met.

cnn: Love and other struggles
altercation reportedly started when other called love a bitch.

'Project Babylon' provides big picture to U.S. soldiers
-- Soldiers now seeking big picture frame

'Chemical Ali' First to Be Tried
cannibals say he tastes bitter, await main course of Saddam.

Cheney Urges Tax Cuts
tax cuts resist, say they don't wanna.

WashTimes: Abbas calls for no arms against Israel

Israeli military plans to blow the arms off of as many Hamas terrorists as possible in a show of goodwill.

Jenna Bush to Teach in D.C.
Georgetown U students eager to learn how to fake IDs.

DOJ Asked to Probe Spy Leak
Jack Bristow said no, told DOJ to step back.

CNN:

Wal-Mart terminates 3 top executives
"Smiley face went crazy" says witness

WashTimes: Economic summit eyes Bush agenda

1 - "Hey buddy! My eyes are up here!"

2 - Tree lobby efforts fail.

LOL, johnny catbird!

Yukos Files Chapt. 11 in U.S.
Chapt. 12 to be filed in U.K.

Nicolas Cage Measured About Marriage

Came up with 8 inches
--
Iceberg Threatens Penguins

Penguins press charges, court date November 11th, 2005. Watch it here on FOX News!
--
DOJ Asked to Probe Spy Leak

Spy insists it's a normal biological function and asks for probe to be removed.
--
Retiree Tussles With Foul-Mouthed Man Half His Age

Man insists he's getting dental work done next week
--
Condi Rice More Than Sum of Her Parts

Readers everywhere confused as to what this means
--
E-mail worm disguised as holiday greeting

E-mail Tequila disguised as egg nog
--

Kobe Upset About Malone's Comments to Wife

Says he feels he is about to go postal on Mailman...

WashTimes: Annan to hold talks in D.C.

"I just want to cuddle a bit," says 'talks'

'Chemical Ali' First to Be Tried
-- Frank J. warns of use of "first" to future readers

Judge's Ten Commandments Robe Sparks Debate
sparks ignite bush. Moses summoned.

cnn: Small satellites a big deal in China

Republic decides to cease 'penis-envy mentality' and embrace who they are.

MSNBC:

Interceptor missile fails to launch in test
Girlfriend says "that's natural"

Minnie Driver Sees "Ghost"
Now Regrets Missing "Dirty Dancing", "Roadhouse"

Stone Sues Doctor
for being without sin...

I have been remiss, Frank J. Thank you for the kind words.

PS: You got some funny folks what read your posts.

WashTimes: NHL's proposal rejected by union

"It was so embarrassing!" said the union, "We had never even talked about this"

"I guess I'll try and get my money back for the ring." stated the NHL.

WHO Urges Preparation for Flu Outbreak
last i checked, all doctors, the CDC, that's who.

Heart Surgeon Doesn't Think McDonald's Should Be In Hospital
Other Heart Surgeons Say, "Dude, Shut UP!"

"Judge's Ten Commandments Robe Sparks Debate
sparks ignite bush. Moses summoned."

That was good, SarahK! I was trying to think of something along those lines and drew a complete blank! Rock, rock on, Frank J is a lucky guy!

WashTimes: Court voids will

"It was disgusting!" said witnesses.

WashTimes: Feast calls for festive side dishes

Dishes not home. Feast leaves a message on the machine.

Donkey power for green grass cutting
Soon-to-be-unemployed congressmen find honest work refreshing, unusual, dirty, unpleasant.

From Washington Times:
Abbas calls for no arms use on Israelis

Sharon calls for no heads left on Hamas, al-Oxa Martyrs Brigade, etc.

From Yahoo News
"'Lap Pillow' Offers Solace to Lonely Men"

Experts say the traditional "special sock" no longer necessary.

fox: Iceberg Threatens Penguins
Lovable team mascot upset over NHL lockout. Threatens to get 'antarctic on their behinds'.

WashTimes: Catchy DeGraw grows into role

Admits that his mom was right to buy one size too big in the first place.

"Lieberman rejects White House overtures"
Plans Harrassment Suit.

From Yahoo News
"China Pulls Plug on TV Sex Talk Show"

TV Sex Talk Show pulls .44 Magnum on China.

"Moyers' truth-telling mission on PBS ending this week"

before it ever really even began.

from WashTimes: Annan to hold talks in D.C.: Oil-for-food not on agenda

But it was on menu in Boston, so U.N. peacekeepers chartered jet round trip to bring it along to D.C.

WashTimes: Baseball plan in jeopardy

"I'd like "Major F*ckups" for 400 Alex."

WashTimes: Germany's Memorial to Jews Completed

Eternal pilot light lit in opening ceremony.

"'Sausage King' Jury: Death"
Ironically, Not Fated To Be Hung.

WAPO: Play it again with toys from the past: Parents buy old favorites

Parents unwittingly buy back their own junk that children sell on eBay

Moyers' truth-telling mission on PBS ending this week

1 - Officials cite lack of interest and atropy.

2 - "Satire has no place on PBS" states executive.

From AP
"LAPD Plan to Curb Flashlight Beatings"

LAPD will return to traditional billysticks and pistol whippings.

fox: U.S. Missile-Shield Test Fails

U.S. happy about the missles. Blames terrorists for making bad shields. U.S. willing to resume tests. Terrorists too dead to comment.

Australia: Terrorists to target Hilton hotel in Indonesia

Paris reportedly in Indonesia promoting newest sex tape.

Iglesias and Kournikova Finalize Love Match?

Report: Enrique double faults in bedroom.

Illinois disputes bioterror grade

School board suggests perfect attendance should merit at least a B.

Test results mixed for students in US

"Find your own test" teacher says before leaving the papers jumbled on her desk.

BAD BERNIE'S LIVID MISTRESS: 'HE'S INSANE & MANIACAL'
No plans to form minions or TAKE OVER THE WORLD!, though

Illinois disputes bioterror grade
-- Says it turned in extra-credit assignment

Google takes the competition to school
-- competition overslept and missed the bus this morning

European parliament gives green light to talks with Turkey
-- decides that it should help traffic flow on that intersection

Studios Attack BitTorrent
-- UN calls on sanctions for unprovoked aggression.

Dems to Hollywood: The End
-- America to both... No Chit!!

From The Jerusalem Post
"President Katsav says Jewish world is in state of crisis"

State of New York and State of Florida feel shunned.

Jesse Jackson Comes to Ohio to Seek Recount of Presidential Votes

Loses track after 'leventy-seven

From WashTimes:
Partygoers cowboy up for inaugural fetes

Democrats sashay up for party feces

"WHO Urges Preparation for Flu Outbreak"

Stones, Zepplin couldn't care less.

BAD BERNIE'S LIVID MISTRESS: 'HE'S INSANE & MANIACAL'

"...and it really turned me on!"

"Christians Aiming to Boost Religion"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 14

Christians being sought by Democrats who thought they had stolen it, but forgot where they hid it!

Athens Bus Hijackers Threaten Blast

Blast refuses to give in.

Happy returns Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, others still missing.

Posted by: spacemonkey on December 15, 2004 02:06 PM

good one!

16 released from hijacked bus in Greece

15 and 17 upset to be overlooked, remain on bus.

'Chemical Ali' up first

Saddam will be batting after Ali.

Bill would ban pit bulls in New Mexico

Joe and Bob think pit bulls are fine, don't understand Bill's anger

From Space.com
"Two Ways to Explore an Ice Giant"

Bill Clinton offers NASA deeper insight

From Space.com
"Life-Swapping Scenarios for Earth and Mars"

Wife-swapping scenarios deemed too risque

Foxnews.com: "Iceberg Threatens Penguins"
Given a five minute major and a game misconduct.

Navy bringing troubled sub home
Confides, "they always go for a dom in uniform"

New research wrestles with spinal cord injury
Plans to try boxing with broken arms

'Human Cargo' wins big at Gemini Awards
Judges thought they were voting for Michael Moore

Jackson prosecutors eye old allegations
Jackson himself eyes younger ones

Prosecution wants to probe Jackson's sexual past
Assumes Jackson's sexual past is "easy"

Blood service drops upper age limit for donors
Restrictions tightened and/or removed.

Ontario proposes sweeping anti-smoking law
Wants it to look nice for guests

Spring coming earlier than it used to
Summer credits new tongue piercing

Students warned against stabbing rumours
Rumours extremely dangerous when wounded

Swank makes comeback worthy of Ali
Suggests Juan Cole try picking on Liechtenstein.

Spring coming earlier than it used to

Summer credits new tongue piercing

you so naaaaaasty...

From foxnews: "Ex-Terror Defendants Face Fraud Charges"
Vow to fight cable bill-only remember ordering pay per view porn.

From Foxnews.com

WHO Urges Preparation for Flu Outbreak

Grinch unavailable for comment

From fox news: "Rice Faces Challenges"
Chicken and veggies flee in terror.

CNN: Hijackers release 17 hostages in Greece

Witness says the hostages were "too hard to hold on to."

"Moyers' truth-telling mission on PBS ending this week"

Nocturnal E mission said to be more productive.

"Spring coming earlier than it used to"
Tries to think about baseball.

Drudge

"APOLOGIES FOR 'FLORAL SWASTIKA'"

They were all out of chocolate swastikas.

AP

"Add Alcohol to the List of Diet-Busters"

Add dieting to my list of ain't-happenin.

From FOX News
"Iceberg Threatens Penguin Chicks"

Joker and Riddler reply,"Damn those Jews trying to steal our women.First it was Goldberg,then Silverberg,now we got this guy to deal with"

From FOX News
"Iceberg Threatens Penguin Chicks"

Joker and Riddler reply,"Damn those Jews trying to steal our women.First it was Goldberg,then Silverberg,now we got this guy to deal with"

Oops,I double clutched when I shoulda straight shifted.

Forbes:
"Drugs Better Than Shots for Anthrax, Study Finds"

-Washing Dishes Even Considered Better Than Shots for Anthrax.

San Jose Mercury News:
"Wash. Starts Verifying 573 Found Ballots"

-The democratic candidate had forgotten them in her glovebox.

This one really pisses me off, as I happen to live in Washington.

KFVS:
"King County board votes to move forward with 573 ballots"

-Felt it had made them suprisingly authentic looking.

Yahoo News
"Mother of Al Gore Dies at 92"

-Gore Regrets Inventing Death.

Seattle Post Intelligencer, WA
"King County elections head: 561 ballots wrongly rejected"

-Quoted as saying: "These so-called 'rules' are just another means by which these hypocritical neocons struggle to retain power against the will of the people, and as such these 'rules' should be ignored when convenient."

International Herald Tribune:
"Rumsfeld rumblings grow louder"

-This reporter, for one, is outa here.

NBC13.com:
"Greek Bus Hijacking Ends With Surrender"

-Greeks suprised by the sudden move by France.

International Herald Tribune:
"The Egypt-Israel ice is melting"

-Scientists quickly blame 'Global Warming' ®

"Bonds didn't know he used steroids"

come up w/something good for that, cause I'm too lazy, and not funny :(

"Bonds didn't know he used steroids"

British secret agent claims retarded French bartender misunderstood "shaken,not stirred" with "shake me with steroids".M and Q are still investigating the matter.

NYT:
MLB.com Baseball Rejects Terms for Washington Stadium

-Kevlar stocks tumble

Scripps Howard News Service-
Bush pushes domestic agenda during economic summit

Domestic Agenda gets mad and leaves

Health Talk-
Heavy Metals Found In Herbal Remedies From India

Sepultura,Judas Priest relieved that it's "Over".

"Bonds didn't know he used steroids"

"Noble gases unpredictable that way," ar, ne respond.

formerhostage,

That "eternal pilot light" comment transcends the humor aspect and goes straight to the profound. It would be a great caption for a Cox & Forkum editorial cartoon.

Life-Swapping Scenarios for Earth and Mars

Kucinich: "No comment"

European parliament gives green light to talks with Turkey

Threatens to walk out if any signs of basting

Meth addiction leads to sexual misery

Kathy Bates declines role

"Chemical" Ali first to be tried

Kurdish witness to testify he "Floats like sarin and stings like mustard gas"

Bonds claims he did not know he was taking steroids.

Says he did not inhale, and did not enjoy it.

From Det. Free Press:

"Jehovah's Witnesses Reach Out to Muslims..."

, Pull back bloody stump.

From Det. Free Press:

"Jehovah's Witnesses Reach Out to Muslims..."

, Pull back bloody stump.

from Washington Times metro section:
"Md. drops bike path from Intercounty Connector"

State neglects to inform cyclists; dozens feared crushed in deadly plunge.

From Frank J headlines:

One of My Readers Has to Be Smart
Fortunately, the rest of us are free to be as dumb as we want.

Headline Fun IV
For those who want their Headline Fun injected directly into their bloodstream

From Frank J headlines:

One of My Readers Has to Be Smart
Fortunately, the rest of us are free to be as dumb as we want.

Headline Fun IV
For those who want their Headline Fun injected directly into their bloodstream