(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)

One of my blogdaughters, Tammi of Road Warrior Survival, recently had her mother go to the emergency room. She's ok, but she's going to be in the hospital for a few days.

I'd like to send her prayers, but I'm religiously "none of the above", and every time I try to pray, I get struck by lightning for my heathenly blaspheming.

So, I'll have to do the next best thing and try to cheer her up with these:

Hospitals are large buildings full of sickly people and machines with flashy lights that go "ping".

As are casinos.

The difference being that NOBODY leaves a hospital with more money than they came in with.

Unless they screwed the doctors over on a few games of 3 Card Monty.

If you're not sure whether you're in a casino or a hospital, light up a cigar and see if you get yelled at.

If you have a disease, you should immediately go to the hospital so that you can contract a more virulent one.

Not all buildings with doctors in them are hospitals. Some are golf course clubhouses.

Again, if you're not sure, light up a cigar.

Michael Jackson is NOT a doctor. Don't let him examine you!

For free.

If you're in a hospital and your heart machine flatlines, try defibrillating yourself a few times before bugging the nurses. Nobody likes a hypochondriac.

In a fight between Aquaman and a hospital, the outcome would depend on the cunning and ferocity of Aquaman's insurance company.

If a hospital bites you, you become one, after which you must let doctors inside of you, even if you aren't getting a prostate exam.

Hospitals are required by law to treat everyone who comes through their doors, whether they have insurance or not. That's why 90% of hospitals are surrounded by shark-infested moats.

The other 10% rely on minefields & barbed wire.

The most common ailments treated by hospitals are heart attacks, strokes, and shark bites.

The English word "hospital" comes from the French word hospitale, which means "we surrender".

As do most French words.

Monkeys don't use hospitals. If a monkey gets sick, its fellow tribe-monkeys turn on him and tear him apart while accusing elephants of causing the disease in the first place.

Much like Democrats.

The first hospitals were dank, run-down places where the sickly poor went to die. Modern hospitals are clean, efficient, well-lit places filled with cutting-edge medical technology, where the sickly poor go to die broke.

Doctors wear white coats to symbolize the purity of their souls, which are untouched by such human failings as sympathy, compassion, or mercy.

Wait... I was thinking of those bean-counting trolls in Accounts Receivable... Nevermind.

Traditional nurse's garb consists of a short white dress, white stockings, and a tiny white cap, none of which serve any practical purpose other than enticing men who have a fetish for that sort of thing.

About which I know nothing, so don't look at me like that.

Unless you're wearing a nurse's outfit.

Hospitals are full of sick people, and therefore must adhere to the highest standards of cleanliness and sanitation, which doesn't explain why hospital janitors tend to make Groundskeeper Willie look like Mr. Rogers.

Every patient admitted to a hospital is given a backless gown called a "johnny", the purpose of which is to allow easy removal for patient examinations and also to allow the hospital staff to indulge their chronic ass-fetishes.

About which I ALSO know nothing.

Anyone with video evidence to the contrary is cordially invited to shut the hell up!.

Not all hospitals are the same. Some specialize in particular areas of expertise, such as heart surgery or roulette.

Wait... I might be thinking of casinos...

[lights cigar]

Anyway, this should help comfort those with recent hospital experiences.

If you'd like to thank me, please post a picture of yourself wearing a nurse's outfit in the comments.

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