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December 30, 2004
2005 Predictions
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:44 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (46)

Hello, RightWingDuck here,

and it's time for those Predictions for 2005.

See, I've always been gifted with prophecy. This last election, I predicted that California would vote Democrat, that Utah would vote Republican, and that CNN would be publishing their voter guide - Reasons to Vote Kerry.

So without further delay, let me look into my crystal ball and share with you some of the exciting changes coming in 2005.

Tara Reid will walk the red carpet at an award show and be horribly embarrassed that her clothes stayed on.

Michael Moore will suffer a stroke and recover. He will be so excited about life that he’ll create a series of workout videos like Richard Simmons. The videos will feature occasional snippets of President Bush playing golf.

John Edwards will suffer from a very nasty chemical reaction from bad hair care products. He will then go on to endorse a new line of Hair Products called “Recount”.

Jessica Simpson and, uh – that other guy, will go through a divorce. Launching a new series for Jessica – the Divorcee.

Michael Jackson will regain his fame with the Broadway hit, Alexander the Great – the Musical! Kids will get in free.

Rock Group King Missile, who once performed the hit, Detachable Penis, will perform for the UN and create a new hit – Detachable Backbone.

Puppy Blender Glenn Reynolds will announce his love for Debbie Reynolds. Indeed.

In celebration, he will add another ‘n’ to his name.

Andrew Sullivan claims he will support Glenn-n but only if he will concede that Gay Marriage is good.

Sullivan will reveal to the world that he has a secret crush on Groundskeeper Willie.

P. Diddy, (formerly Puff Daddy) will change his name to Gotta P.
When people see him, they’ll be so excited they’ll do a little dance.

Koffi Annan will announce his retirement and start a small business in the Cayman Islands with his son. For some reason, a small percentage of his inventory will disappear each month.

“Koju, have you seen it?”
“ No dad, I gotta go. I’m off to buy a new bike.”

Al Gore will meet with an embarrassing accident. While at a Lumber Company protest, he will be mistaken for a tree.

India will undergo a dramatic cultural revolution when they discover that Hamburgers are delicious.

Bill Clinton will star in a series of Infommercials. He will receive fame and fortune for his new line of stain removers.

The ACLU will file a suit against Santa Claus saying that his Naughty/Nice list is an extension of the Patriot Act.

A computer virus will strike the world’s computers – morphing them into full grown elephants.

This will be taken by Democrats as a sign of the apocalypse.

The four horsemen of the apocalypse will begin their ride. They will be promptly shot down by a Federal Air Marshall. Or we think, he will be very neatly dressed and not in any ‘official’ uniform.

The ACLU will sue the Air Marshall for denying the horsemen their civil rights.

It will be revealed that Aquaman can only swim by using those little arm floaties

Paris Hilton will be shunned by her family when she gets caught videotaping another sex scene – at a Holiday Inn!!

Panic will ensue in Paris, France when American tourists assume that there must be thousands of dead bodies everywhere. Turns out they were just confused by the smell.

Michael Moore will be attacked by a very jealous, very angry Richard Simmons.

Muslim Terrorist will overtake CNN and begin broadcasting. Three days later, the first viewer notices.

Five days later the first complaint is filed.


Okay Readers. Your turn.

What are your predictions for 2005?

BTW, RightWingDuck will be hosting its first ever caption contest. Make sure you drop bylater today. Prizes and everything.

Rating: 2.6/5 (28 votes cast)

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