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January 01, 2005

Happy New Year

Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:22 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (24)

Good Morning everyone. Guest Blogger RightWingDuck here.

Well, at least it's morning here in Pasadena, California. Where it did NOT rain for the Rose Parade today. Hurray!

Today, my wife and little duckling went off to see the parade. Did you see them on TV? They were the ones waving.

BTW, if you ever get the chance to see the parade in person - do so. I normally go, but this morning I had "pillow issues' I needed to work through.

Last night at a party, people were talking about their resolutions for 2005. Resolutions take many shapes. You have hopeless resolutions, such as the desire to lose weight or quit smoking. And then there are the totally useless resolutions - such as those passed by the UN.

Now, being practically perfect in every way, I seldom make resolutions. I'm too busy trying to fix other people. Which is really the key to happiness- change everyone around you and you're bound to be happy. I read that somewhere.

Okay, okay. Maybe I could lose a little bit of weight. And maybe it wouldn't kill me to actually use Spell Check from time to time.

So, rather than asking all IMAO readers what your resolutions are-which would be insincere since I don't really care - I thought, "Self, how would you fix other people?"

That led to today's theme.

2005 New Years Resolutions for Other People.

Michael Moore.
He should eat more. Poor guy is so emaciated, his beard fell off! A sure sign of a vitamin deficiency. Plus, he was on TV the other day wearing a big baggy suit, a sure sign that's you can see his ribs. Or his McRib sandwiches at least. Yes, Mikey should eat more.

Barbra Streisand.
First off, fix spelling of name. Her parents should have used spell check. Oh, that's right. They didn't have computers back then. Well, her parents should have consulted the master cave drawings. She should also tone down her utter and amazing beauty - it would really help her draw some more people from the Homosexual demographic. She needs more of those.

Dan Rather.
He's retired now. My resolution for him is to take up something creative. Painting, drawing, making fake ID's. This man has talent refined from many years of playing 3 card montey on the set of CBS. He should also practice looking serious - all those laugh lines make me want to do a happy dance each time I see him.

Bill Clinton.
Flirting is good. As long as it doesn't get out of hand. For 2005, he's going to be busy bashing Bush at every turn and showing the world how much Clinton cares. I wish him a steady stream of interns to help him with all the work. I also wish him the new Quivering Lower Lip I Care So Much Workout Video. Great for the facial muscles.

Hillary Clinton.
I resolve for Hillary to have many more years with Bill. 'Till Political Career Expediency Do They Part.

John Kerry.
Kerry served in Vietnam. He's all but left it behind. I wish for him to read Unfit for Command. A great book written by people who served with him. I also hope he finds a new lucky hat.

John Edwards.
First and foremost, I wish that you and your wife pull through this cancer thing successfully. Secondly, I resolve for you to pursue a career in acting. Start with Broadway. Maybe a musical - Hmmm.Grease? Hairspray?

Whoopi Goldberg.
I resolve for her to get a new career. Hollywood Squares has a lot of prestige, but maybe this year she can move up - to something like a dunking booth? She needs to get into the news a bit more. She should try Bush bashing. That can sometimes work.

US Expats in Canada.
You couldn't vote for the man who would cut and run, so you decided to cut and run for yourselves. I admire your consistency. What is my resolution for them... hmm. Oh, I know. In Canada, Muslims can exempt themselves from Canadian law in favor of Shariah Law. Maybe President Bush can lobby for American Law to apply to Americans living up there. That's would be great.
"I'm a Canadian now. What are you doing in my house? And what's with the orange jumpsuit? Nooooooo"

I hope you enjoyed your New Year Celebration. Tell me, what resolutions would you make for other people? And yes, you can comment on the resolutions you have made for yourselves.

This is my final post as Frank should be back soon. I'm still having my Caption Contest. You might be the one to win that wonderful SpongeBob watch (retail value $1.99). Amaze your friends.

Drop by and visit at www.rightwingduck.net. We have some wonderful entries so far.

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24 Responses To "Happy New Year"

Vladimir Putin.
Vlad the bad needs to redo his image. After his "helping" with the Ukranian Elections, he needs ... hmmm ... I know! "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" Well, at least that'll endear him to the U.N.

#1 - Posted by: The Bear on January 1, 2005 02:36 PM

Democratic Underground:
The entire DU membership should resolve to spend more time soaking in hot baths so they're more relaxed. They should also be sure to take a toaster into the tub with them. What's more relaxing than a hot bath and some toast, after all?

Palestinian Terrorists:
They should resolve to give up violence and take up a more constructive and productive activity, such as biodegrading.

Saddam Hussein:
Saddam should resolve to eat sparingly and wear more earth-toned clothing. That way, when they string him from the gallows and his body voids itself at the moment of death, his sh*t won't clash with his pants.

#2 - Posted by: BKWillis on January 1, 2005 02:38 PM

Ted Rall:
Study some new art styles. Not everyone has to look like Akbar and Jeff, y'know. Failing that, you could follow Whoopi Goldberg's example and get a new career. I hear carnies make twice as much as asshead left-wing cartoonists. Give that field some consideration.

#3 - Posted by: ZK on January 1, 2005 02:54 PM

For CNN:

Continue to improve the quality of your CGI. Your "Anderson Cooper" character looks errily lifelike, but it still fails a turing test and continues to creep out little kids.

#4 - Posted by: Protagonist on January 1, 2005 04:21 PM

To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. -- Mark Twain, Following the Equator

#5 - Posted by: aelfheld on January 1, 2005 05:50 PM

Osama Bin Laden:

He should give up terrorism and use his money to create a basketball association in the Middle East which he could both own and be one of the best players in since he's a good six inches taller than all other Arabs.

Jaques Chirac:

Botox

Kerry:

One botox injection only lasts so long. Make sure you keep your appointments.

Edwards:

So the Presidential election didn't work out and you gave up your Senate seat but with your great hair you can at least make the cover of GQ.

Chevy Chase:

Star in another National Lampoon movie! That should convince people that you were too insane to realize the comments you made about Bush and give you a utility payment.

Janet Jackson:

So your music career is over but that Super Bowl stunt was Tivo's most played back moment so I would recommend doing more things like that, only you might want to keep it to premium channels or perhaps a Pay-Per-View special.

#6 - Posted by: Josh on January 1, 2005 07:41 PM

Kofi Annan:
Needs to take more "soundings" about holding more "conferences" about how the UN can be "relevent". It may not accomplish much "on the ground", or in any useful period of time. But, since it's more important to look like you're doing something than to actually do it, this resolution would be good for his tarnished public image. Thousands my die of neglect in the meantime, but that's no biggie. He can always talk about that, too.

#7 - Posted by: Tuning Spork on January 1, 2005 07:51 PM

Mine are right here, and sence I made this post before you, I get to say FIRST!

#8 - Posted by: Monster Kabasue on January 1, 2005 08:09 PM

http://kabasue.com/blog/index.php?p=11

er, let me add my link before I post

#9 - Posted by: Monster Kabasue on January 1, 2005 08:11 PM

Advice to Rumsfeld:
Popular opinion is turning, so act quickly now and conquer as many small countries as you can. If you capture at least one in three successive turns, you should be able to form a matched set of cards. Then with the extra armies you earn, conquering the world should be easy! Just be careful about those long borders on Kamchatka and Ukraine and be sure to fortify Iceland and the other chokepoints.

#10 - Posted by: Popeye on January 1, 2005 11:37 PM

I feel as though Popeye deserves something real swell for that above post. Oh man, that is brilliant.

#11 - Posted by: Jason R on January 2, 2005 12:19 AM

I'd like all the anorexic girls to go gain some weight.

(This is the opposite of the go lose weigh resolution.)

#12 - Posted by: Libertarian Girl on January 2, 2005 12:52 AM

heh, heh, Popeye rules

#13 - Posted by: RingWing on January 2, 2005 01:28 AM

Michael Moore -- addendum: What Mikey needs is more butter in his diet. Lots more butter. Great big gallon tubs of butter.

Not margarine.

Not oleo.

Butter.

I prescribe a quart of the stuff every day.

With a little whole wheat bread to help it go down.

#14 - Posted by: Ian Hamet on January 2, 2005 01:32 AM

Michael Moore -- addendum: What Mikey needs is more butter in his diet. Lots more butter. Great big gallon tubs of butter.

Not margarine.

Not oleo.

Butter.

I prescribe a quart of the stuff every day.

With a little whole wheat bread to help it go down.

#15 - Posted by: Ian Hamet on January 2, 2005 01:33 AM

(Darn thing gave me an error message first time! Sorry for the double post.)

#16 - Posted by: Ian Hamet on January 2, 2005 01:40 AM

Luk 6:27 But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you.

Mat. 7:12 “Do for others what you would like them to do for you. This is a summary of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.”

#17 - Posted by: Menorah on January 2, 2005 07:37 AM

I'd like the folks at Beverages and More to give me all the free beer that I want, every day of 2005.

#18 - Posted by: Silicon Valley Jim on January 2, 2005 11:01 AM

Romans 12:9

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good

oh, and my all time favorite quote...
Unfair, unbalanced, unmedicated.

Resolution for mankind. A sense of humor.

#19 - Posted by: RightWingduck on January 2, 2005 11:06 AM

Yah-kakakakakaka! Well, blow me down! Thanks for the comments, mateys!

I'm strong to the finish, cause I eats my spinach, and visit I-M-A-O! Toot Toot

#20 - Posted by: Popeye on January 2, 2005 02:20 PM

U.N. resolution 1521: enforce a single resolution passed by ourselves, possibly even saving some lives in the process.

Personal resolution: 5 FIRST posts this year. (its harder than it sounds)

#21 - Posted by: humanoverlord on January 3, 2005 12:16 AM

Re: spelling of Barbra. It's not her parents' fault; she changed it from Barbara.

#22 - Posted by: Debbie on January 3, 2005 12:26 PM

Michael Moore, eat more?

Hmmm. how about Hollyweird? I imagine he'd like it with a little Heinz catsup, and it isn't as though Hollyweird would be any great loss. After being processed by Moore, it'd be back as good as new... in the end.

#23 - Posted by: David on January 3, 2005 10:17 PM

#24 - Posted by: d on February 4, 2005 03:21 AM