Act I

* * * *

I kinda thought the first scene to Act I was a little slow and spent a while cutting that one. To me, the interest in the characters really builds in the diner scene (Act I, Scene B).

Now, I think this is my favorite act of the three. It even has a joke just for jonag (well, I put it in because I thought it was funny, but she should appreciate it the most). Also, I give more for Lulu to do who I think ends up being a scene stealer. Act III, though, has most of the action and lesbians. Well, I'll post Act III tomorrow and you can decide for yourselves which part is best.

Anyhoo, kinda glad I didn't win the contest; would have had to move to L.A. (no offense, Silly Sister Sarah).

And on to Act II:

ACT TWO
SCENE A

INT. SHOP – LATER
(BRYCE, DOUG, LULU, BUCK)

BRYCE, DOUG, AND LULU ENTER A SMALL SHOP CONSISTING OF A POSTCARD STAND AND A CASHIER’S DESK BEHIND WHICH BUCK STARES AT THE THREE MENACINGLY.

BUCK
What the hell do you three want? I just sell gum and postcards here. Are you feds?

LULU
Ooh! These are nice postcards.

BRYCE
Hello, Buck. We were told by Gus to ask for your blueberry bubblegum.

BUCK
I see. Follow me.

LULU
Give me a moment to look at these postcards.

BRYCE
(TO DOUG)Grab her.

DOUG PULLS LULU ALONG AS THEY ENTER A BACKROOM FILLED WITH RACKS OF GUNS.

DOUG
Kick ass! There’s like enough guns here to kill... uh... lots of people!

BUCK
It is my view that no man is truly free unless he has enough armaments to topple a small nation. So what do you need?

BRYCE
We’re doing some basic mercenary work. Some good self-defense weaponry would be useful.

DOUG HOLDS UP TWO HANDGUNS.

DOUG
Look at me! I’m a badass!

BRYCE
I’ve seen you at the range, Doug; you can’t even handle one gun competently. What makes you think you can use two? (TO BUCK) Do you have any gun with the equivalent of training wheels on it?

BUCK TAKES A HANDGUN OFF A RACK.

BUCK
This here is .40 caliber with a laser sight. Just put the red dot on what you don’t want living and pull the trigger.

DOUG
I’m good with red dots!

BRYCE INSPECTS THE GUN’S PRICE TAG.

BRYCE
We’re kinda on a budget right now. Do you have like a mercenary starter kit?

BUCK
These are contraband items, so they don’t go cheap... but we’ll see what we can work out.

BRYCE
Wish we could have gotten Charlene on board. Then we could have used some of her guns.

DOUG
She never lets me touch them. Says they become imbued with her spirit each time she uses them and doesn’t want my idiocy rubbing off on them.

BRYCE
Hmm... and yet she lets you touch her.

LULU HOLDS UP A RIFLE.

LULU
I like this one. Do they make it in periwinkle?

BUCK
For the love of God, I hope not.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO
SCENE B

EXT. OPEN FIELD – NIGHT
(DOUG, BRYCE, LULU, CHARLENE, CUSTOMER, CUSTOMER GUARD1, CUSTOMER GUARD2)

BRYCE, DOUG, AND LULU ARE STANDING AROUND IN AN OPEN, SPARSELY LIT, FIELD.

DOUG
How come Lulu gets the gun?

LULU
Because I called dibs. By the way, I thought of some slogans for our mercenary group. I first came up with “Service with a smile” but then I remembered that we’re mercenaries. So I changed it to “Service with an angry glare.” That sounded too threatening, though. I finally ended up with “We get the job done right!”

BRYCE
I like it... but keep it to yourself for now.

DOUG
How am I supposed to do anything when all you gave me was this sword?

BRYCE
Come on, Doug, your samurai sword is really cool. And this is all about attitude. They’re going to come out and see that you’re such a badass that you don’t even bother to carry a gun.

DOUG
What if we do have to fight, though? Am I just supposed to run over and cut them all?

BRYCE
No... it’s actually a dull practice sword, so I wouldn’t recommend trying that. The wooden sheath is actually more of a weapon… but there shouldn’t be a problem. Price is known coming into this; we just have to show them we’re competent so they don’t try and take advantage of us.

LULU
But we’re not competent.

BRYCE
That’s where attitude comes into play, dear. Now I need a serious stare from you... one that says you mean business.

LULU MAKES A SERIOUS STARE.

BRYCE
Good. You job will be for non-verbal communication – a bit of psych-ops. Now, I want you to keep an eye on me. If I place my hand to my chin, I want you to distract them with your feminine wiles... like make a seductive smile or something. If I touch my nose with my finger, make an angry glare. And, if I pull on my right ear, that means things have gone sour and you need to take out your gun and shoot everyone. Got it?

LULU
Hand to chin – smile. Finger to nose – frown. And... what was that last part?

CHARLENE WALKS UP TO THEM DRESSED IN BLACK AND CARRYING A SNIPER RIFLE.

BRYCE
Someone order a ninja?

DOUG
Huggy doodle! You came!

CHARLENE
I just want to make sure nothing too illicit is going on.

BRYCE
So did you have a good day of checking people’s papers, or do you want to join up.

CHARLENE
I’ll help out this time, but I want forty percent.

BRYCE
(LAUGHS)Forty percent! Doug, you always told me your girlfriend is completely humorless.

CHARLENE
We all know I’m the only one with any real skill here... no offense, Lulu.

LULU
None taken.

DOUG
I’m offended.

CHARLENE
Shut up.

BRYCE
I’ll give you thirty percent, Charlene. We all know you’re basically getting Doug’s share too.

CHARLENE
(THINKS IT OVER)Deal. I’ll find a vantage point to snipe from in case you screw things up down here.

DOUG
Cutie wiggles, could I borrow a gun?

CHARLENE
But sweetie, then I’d be left with only three as backup.

CHARLENE WALKS OFF.

LULU
Yay! We’re all working together now!

BRYCE
Doug, your cut is getting reduced to help pay for Charlene.

DOUG
Dammit. What am I supposed to be doing anyway?

BRYCE
Remember, you’re a badass with a samurai sword. You need to look steely-eyed.

DOUG
Steely-eyed?

BRYCE
Just stand straight and tall and completely still. Squint your eyes a bit in a threatening manner, and, no matter what, don’t move or say anything.

DOUG
Okay, I can do that.

TAKES OUT A CIGARETTE AND PUTS IN HIS MOUTH.

DOUG
Do you think I’d be more threatening with a cigarette in my mouth?

THE CIGARETTE FLIES OUT OF HIS MOUTH AT THE SOUND OF A GUNSHOT.

CHARLENE
(OVER RADIO)You said you were quitting!

DOUG
I hate it when she has a sniper rifle on me.

BRYCE
She sure set up quick. With her skill, she might get it in her mind to take over this group. Doug, I know you’ve been dating Charlene for a while, but, if she gets power mad, would you be able to slip poison into one of her drinks?

DOUG
I’d never hurt Charlene!

BRYCE
Good, because... uh... I wouldn’t want anyone in my mercenary group who has so little loyalty he’d kill his own girlfriend. So, Lulu, I know you’ve been friends with Charlene for a long time, but... Oh, here they come. Everyone look competent.

THE CUSTOMER WALKS TOWARDS THEM WITH TWO GUARDS BACKING HIM.

CUSTOMER
Is this your whole group?

BRYCE
It’s some of us, and we have our truck ready for the goods.

THE CUSTOMER LOOKS THE GROUP OVER AND THEN FOCUSES ON DOUG.

CUSTOMER
Does that guy have a sword on him?

BRYCE
He’s so deadly he doesn’t even need a gun.

CUSTOMER
(TO DOUG)Didn’t I buy chicken from you once... and it was only half-cooked?

BRYCE
Let’s stick to business. You have merchandise to move, and we’re ready to move it.

CUSTOMER
How do I know I can trust you guys? You have no record as mercenaries. You could all be a bunch of dufuses for all I know.

BRYCE CASUALLY TOUCHES HIS NOSE, AND LULU FROWNS.

BRYCE
We may be new to these little milk-runs you call “mercenary” work, but we’re skilled enough to get the job done. Getting past a URI patrol is hardly worth mentioning to people like us. So, do you want to do business or not?

CUSTOMER
(THINKS IT OVER)All right.

BRYCE BRUSHES HIS HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR.

BRYCE
Now...

LULU PULLS OUT HER GUN AND STARTS SHOOTING WILDLY. EVERYONE JUST STARES AT HER.

LULU
Whoops. That was if you pulled your ear. Sorry.

BRYCE
(SMILES NERVOUSLY)It’s her first day on the job, so I loaded her gun with blanks. So let’s get going; this merchandise isn’t going to smuggle itself. Uh... hey, Lulu, tell them our slogan.

LULU
We’re the Hellbenders, and we get the job done right!

DOUG
Can I stop being steely-eyed? My face is starting to hurt.

CHARLENE
(OVER RADIO)Idiots.

FADE OUT
END ACT TWO

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