Act I
Act II

* * * *

So here is Act III - the thrilling conclusion - to my sitcom pilot that never was. Man, and I had great ideas for other episodes; maybe I could just write some short stories.

Anyway, most of the contribution of SarahK and RightWingDuck were in the form of proofreading, but the over-the-top nicknames Doug uses for Charlene was SarahK's suggestion (originally he just called her "honey" and "dear"). I forget what I used from RWD, but he can add what he wants in the comments.

Anyhoo, comments on the script in toto is greatly appreciated. Without further ado, Act III:

ACT THREE
SCENE A

RIDING IN TRUCK – LATER
(DOUG, BRYCE, LULU, CHARLENE, MALE GUARD, FEMALE GUARD)

BRYCE, LULU, DOUG, AND CHARLENE ARE RIDING IN AN OPEN AIR TRUCK. BRYCE IS DRIVING WITH LULU IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. DOUG AND CHARLENE (NOW IN CIVILIAN CLOTHES) SIT IN THE BED WHICH IS FILLED WITH BAGS LABELED “GOAT FEED.”

CHARLENE
The fact that they still gave you the job after that idiotic display must mean they’re really desperate... which makes me wonder exactly what kind of cargo we have here.

BRYCE
Charlene, stop scaring everyone with your logic.

DOUG
Maybe it’s a dead alien.

BRYCE
Don’t be stupid, Doug; it’s perfectly legal to send those FedEx.

LULU
Maybe it’s food for hungry children.

BRYCE
Exactly; I bet that’s it. Now, let’s all be like me and stop worrying about what it is. No reason to check. Let’s just do our job and not worry about it... because it’s probably nothing.

DOUG
(BEAT)Oh my God; he already looked at it and it’s worse than we could all possibly imagine.

THEY MOVE THE BAGS TO OPEN UP THE COMPARTMENT UNDERNEATH.

DOUG
It’s a nu-cu-lar missile!

BRYCE
It’s pronounced NU-CLEE-AR... and how can you be sure that’s what it is.

DOUG
Because it has “CAUTION: Nuclear Missile” written all over it and the warning “In case of Mutually Assured Destruction, do not use.”

BRYCE
They really cut down on incidents after they mandated those warnings.

LULU
This could kill millions!

BRYCE
Only if used properly.

LULU
What do you think they’ll launch it at?

BRYCE
An orphanage full of puppies... what do we care? We’re mercenaries, remember? Anyway, everyone has missile defense now. It can’t be used anywhere. Isn’t that right, Charlene?

CHARLENE
It’s tactically useless in its current form. There’s pretty much no target on earth it could reach before being shot down.

LULU
Are there really puppy orphanages?

BRYCE
No, Lulu. As everyone knows, orphaned puppies is the first ingredient of hot dogs.

DOUG
If the missile is useless, why would anyone want it?

BRYCE
I dunno... it makes a great collectible. Me, I have one in my foyer as a conversation piece. Now close up the secret compartment and get prepared for that check point. Everyone knows the roles that they’re playing?

CHARLENE
Lulu and I are not going to pretend to be lesbian lovers.

DOUG
It does sound tactically useful.

CHARLENE SMACKS DOUG ACROSS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.

LULU
I’ll still be a lesbian.

BRYCE
It’s no good with just one.

CHARLENE
It will be a small URI post; let’s just kill everyone in it. We’ll have enough time to make the delivery before any other URI are the wiser.

BRYCE
Whatever letter is after ‘Z’, we’ll make your idea plan that. The whole idea of smuggling is to be low key... which usually rules out slaughter. So let’s stick to sneaking under their radar. Remember, we’re all goat herders.

LULU
Baby goats are so cute.

BRYCE
See? Lulu is into her role. Everyone follow Lulu’s lead. Doug, make sure Charlene doesn’t explode into an orgy of violence.

DOUG LOOKS AT CHARLENE AND SHUDDERS.

DOUG
I’m not promising anything.

THE TRUCK COMES TO STOP AT A CHECKPOINT WITH A MALE AND FEMALE GUARD.

MALE GUARD
Halt!

BRYCE
Hello, fellow United Republic Imperialists. We are but simple goat herders... delivering goat feed... because goats are hungry.

MALE GUARD
We need to check your vehicle. There have been problems with smugglers lately.

BRYCE
That’s horrible! People moving illegal things past check points... intolerable! Why, if I caught a smuggler, I’d disembowel him and hang his entrails at the checkpoint as a warning to others.

FEMALE GUARD
That sounds a little harsh.

BRYCE
I just hate smugglers that much. We all do.

DOUG
Smugglers are bad.

LULU
(SHAKES FIST IN AIR)SMUGGLERS!!!

FEMALE GUARD
So how is goat herding? I think baby goats are so cute!

LULU
They are! Hey, want to go get something to eat after you’re off duty? I’m a lesbian.

FEMALE GUARD
Sure!

CHARLENE
Are you staring at that woman?

DOUG
I’m just... uh... sizing her up in case... uh... a fight breaks out.

CHARLENE
And you’re doing that all by looking at her chest?

CHARLENE SMACKS DOUG ACROSS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.

MALE GUARD
Move that goat feed so I can look for secret compartments.

DOUG
Uh, we can’t... because it’s... uh... radioactive.

MALE GUARD
You bought radioactive goat feed?

DOUG
It was... on sale.

MALE GUARD
And you’re going to feed that to goats?

DOUG
To the uh... mutant ones... you know, the ones with six legs that breathe fire.

CHARLENE
Excuse my boyfriend; he’s an idiot. Now, if you just take a look at this truck bed...

CHARLENE GRABS THE MALE GUARD’S HEAD AND SLAMS IT AGAINST THE TRUCK. SHE THEN JUMPS OUT AND GRABS HIS RIFLE.

CHARLENE
Lulu, take out the lesbian.

LULU
I am. We’re going to have lunch.

CHARLENE
No.

CHARLENE MAKES A PUNCHING MOTION.

LULU
Oh!

LULU GRABS THE RIFLE FROM THE FEMALE GUARD’S HANDS AND HITS HER IN THE HEAD WITH ITS BUTT. SHE THEN TOSSES THE RIFLE IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK.

LULU
I got us a rifle.

BRYCE
Great, Lulu. Now that was really smooth. Doug, I put you in charge of not having something like this happen.

DOUG
He wasn’t buying my story about the mutant goats.

CHARLENE
Let’s just get the cargo delivered before we have all the United Republic Imperialists in the area after us.

BRYCE STARTS THE TRUCK BACK UP.

BRYCE
Now you’re worried about fighting the URI.

LULU
Go Hellbenders!

CUT TO:

ACT THREE
SCENE B

EXT. WAREHOUSE – LATER
(DOUG, BRYCE, LULU, CHARLENE, RECIPIENT, RECIPIENT2)

BRYCE, DOUG, CHARLENE, AND LULU STAND NEAR THEIR TRUCK WHICH IS PARKED NEXT TO A WAREHOUSE.

LULU
Did you see me? I was a lesbian and then I knocked out a guard! I’m a real mercenary!

BRYCE
We’ll compose folk songs of your glories later. Now where are they?

TWO MEN WALK UP.

BRYCE
There you are. We have your cargo... so... uh... why don’t you take it.

RECIPIENT
Any problem at the checkpoint?

BRYCE
No... no. No problems. Those idiots didn’t expect a thing. Anyway, we’re trying to catch a movie and I don’t like missing the previews, so why don’t you get your cargo so we can get going.

THE TWO MEN TAKE THE CARGO FROM THE TRUCK’S SECRET COMPARTMENT.

LULU
Oh, and here’s a form for you to fill out. On a scale of one to ten, you can rate us on such things as our timeliness, customer service, and intimidating manner. Only through your input can we be better mercenaries.

BRYCE
You can get those back to us whenever.

THE TWO MEN WALK OFF AND THEN ALARMS START SOUNDING.

BRYCE
Sounds like our cue to leave. New plan, I drive really fast while you all shoot at whomever tries to follow us.

CHARLENE JUMPS IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK WITH RIFLE IN HAND. LULU GETS BACK IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, ALSO HOLDING A RIFLE.

DOUG
Can I have a gun this time?

BRYCE TOSSES DOUG A GUN.

BRYCE
Shoot to kill.

CUT TO:

ACT THREE
SCENE C

EXT. FIELD – LATER
(DOUG, BRYCE, LULU, CHARLENE)

DOUG, BRYCE, LULU, AND CHARLENE STAND NEXT TO THE TRUCK WHICH IS NOW COVERED IN BULLET HOLES.

LULU
Yay! We completed our mission and no one got shot... except for Doug!

CHARLENE WRAPS GAUZE AROUND DOUG’S ARM.

DOUG
It’s my very first non-self-inflicted gun wound.

CHARLENE
I’m very proud of you.

DOUG
Sorry about your truck, Bryce. I saw this commercial for something that’s supposed to take bullet holes out of cars.

BRYCE
I bet it doesn’t work as easily as TV makes it seem. Anyway, I was planning on pushing it off a cliff and walking back to town. I don’t see any cliffs nearby, though, so let’s just ditch it here.

LULU
And when we walk to town, if anyone gives us gruff, we’ll kill them because we’re the Hellbenders and no one messes with us! Go Hellbenders!

BRYCE LOOKS TO CHARLENE.

CHARLENE
She’ll tucker out soon.

DOUG
I wonder what they’re going to launch that missile at.

BRYCE
They’re not going to launch it; there is no point.

UNSEEN BY ANY OF THEM, A LIGHT FAR IN THE BACKGROUND FLIES UP INTO THE AIR.

DOUG
If you say so.

DOUG HOLDS CHARLENE CLOSE.

DOUG
You always said we should share more hobbies, and I know your favorite hobby is shooting at the United Republic Imperialists. And there we were, side by side, showing them what’s what.

CHARLENE
(SMILES)That was great.

DOUG
And we made some good money on top of that. Hey, look at the moon. Isn’t it a beautiful night, nummy-muffin cocoa butter?

CHARLENE
It sure is.

DOUG AND CHARLENE LEAN IN TO KISS EACH OTHER, BUT THEN ARE LIT UP FROM THE DIRECTION OF THE MOON.

CHARLENE
Did the moon just explode?

LULU
Oh my God... they nuked the moon.

BRYCE
Jeeze, they sure as hell permanently waned it. I’m thinking we better get going. When natural satellites that have been around for billions of years suddenly disappear, people tend to notice.

THEY ALL START RUNNING.

CUT TO:

ACT THREE
SCENE D

INT. GUS’S DINER – LATER
(DOUG, BRYCE, LULU, CHARLENE, GUS)

DOUG, CHARLENE, BRYCE, AND LULU SIT AT A BOOTH IN THE DINER, DOUG AND CHARLENE SITTING TOGETHER ON ONE SIDE AND BRYCE AND LULU AT THE OTHER. BRYCE IS BUSY WORKING ON A LAPTOP.

LULU
Right now, people on the other side of the world are looking to the night sky and seeing there’s no moon.

BRYCE
I bet hardly anyone will even notice.

GUS WALKS OVER.

GUS
You hear about the moon getting destroyed? It’s awful!

BRYCE
And, quite hilariously, we have absolutely nothing to do with that.

GUS
Unbelievable tragedy, it is. So did I tell you guys all about the special today?

CHARLENE
We heard about the spaghetti.

GUS WALKS OFF.

LULU
So what happens now? What’s going to control the tides?

BRYCE
I’m sure someone will form a committee.

DOUG
I just can’t believe it’s gone.

BRYCE
If we really need another one, we can just take one from Saturn which has a ton of them and doesn’t seem to be doing anything in particular with them. The moon was just a big round thing anyway, and know what is also big and round? A zero.

BRUCE TURNS HIS COMPUTER AROUND SO THAT THE OTHERS CAN SEE.

BRYCE
And just look at all these zeros. And, if I’m not mistaken, there’s a number in front of them that is non-zero. Also, there is an ‘S’ in front of that with a line through it representing money. Puts everything in perspective, doesn’t it.

LULU
Oh boy! I’m going to use my share to go to the spa and get a nice manicure and buy some nice shoes while... uh... being all sad about the moon.

DOUG
Man! I’ve never so not cared about the moon as I do right now. I’m going to get a new stereo, a new T.V., a big bag of jelly beans...

CHARLENE GLARES AT DOUG.

DOUG
I mean I’ll buy that if I have enough money after getting Charlene, the sweetest girl in the whole world, those gun grips she wants.

CHARLENE SMILES AND KISSES DOUG ON THE CHEEK. BRYCE TURNS THE COMPUTER BACK AROUND AND BEGINS TYPING AT IT AGAIN.

BRYCE
Lulu, make a whipping sound.

LULU MAKES A WHIPPING SOUND.

BRYCE
Me, I’m investing my money in moon memorabilia. I have a feeling that will be popular in the immediate future.

BRYCE CLOSES HIS LAPTOP.

BRYCE
So, I’d say that was a great first mission with few problems.

DOUG
Well, I was shot.

LULU
And the moon was blown up.

CHARLENE
And the fact you all survived is but a fluke of nature.

BRYCE
And that we didn’t die means we’re now experienced and ready to take on even more. Right, guys?

DOUG
Bring it on!

LULU
We’re the Hellbenders, and we get the job done right!

LULU JUMPS UP ON THE TABLE.

LULU
No one can defeat us! All who oppose us will drown in their own blood!

LULU SCREAMS IN TRIUMPH AND THEN JUMPS OFF THE TABLE AND RUNS AWAY WHILE CONTINUING TO SCREAM. EVERYONE LOOK IN THE DIRECTION SHE RAN OFF IN ASTONISHMENT. GUS WALKS OVER, LOOKING IN THE SAME DIRECTION.

BRYCE
How much would cost to have her food drugged?

GUS
It’s on the menu under “Sides”.

FADE OUT
THE END

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