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January 21, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Social Security
I may still be sick, but it's my day-off, dammit, and I want to enjoy it by getting an oil change for my car. That didn't stop me from tasking my crack research team from finding out all they can about Social Security. FUN FACTS ABOUT SOCIAL SECURITY * FDR created Social Security in an attempt to destroy America. After Pearl Harbor, though, he found it was more popular to try and save America. * FDR celebrated creating Social Security by having a smoke. * He did not celebrate it by having a brisk jog. * If he did jog, he would have been easily winded from the smoke. * Social Security is founded on the principle, that, because some people won't save for retirement, all must be punished. * The deduction from each paycheck for Social Security is listed as FICA or Med or some such crap. The reason they don't call the deduction "Money we're stealing for the so-called Social Security" is because that would be too long. * That's the same reason they don't call the deduction "black hole from whence you'll never ever see your money again." * If instead of the government taking the money you were allowed to take it and shove it up your ass, you'd get a better return on the money and not be quite as pissed off. * I'm all faklempt. Social Security is neither social nor secure. Talk amongst yourselves. * If you refuse to give the government your money and invest it for your own retirement, the government will send police to your home to shoot you... but it's for your own good. * Social Security is often called the third rail of politics because to mention reforming it will cause the Democrats to lie that Republicans want to throw old people out on the street. Republicans really do want to throw old people out on the street, but the Democrats don't know that so they are lying. * Old people are a solid voting block because they have absolutely nothing better to do. Hell, voting is the highlight of their year. Maybe if you just visited you parents or grandparents more at the retirement home, they wouldn't be so quick to vote to steal your money. * Bush wants to make private accounts where some of your money would be privately invested and thus ensure you get it (if you live long enough). Democrats are against this because they haven't figured out a way to say "private accounts" such that it will scare old people. * Right now they're putting a strong emphasis on the second syllable of "private," but it's still not that scary. * In a fight between Social Security and Aquaman, Aquaman would die of a jellyfish sting way before he is old enough to receive payments. * If you think Social Security is sneaking up behind you, quickly turn around and empty your gun in its direction and then throw your gun at it. It's going to steal all your money! * If you are currently collecting Social Security, make sure the payment is correct, and, if not, go to the Social Security office and complain until you get every last red cent. It's not like you have anything better to do that make sure you steal all my money, you old geezer! * IMAO would like to retract that last bullet point. We appreciate every old geezer who reads us. 46 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: Social Security"
One of the best Know thy Enemy lists yet!!! Keep up the good work, and I hope you get to feeling better. #1 - Posted by: Andyman on January 21, 2005 10:02 AMWhat? No mention that "Social Security" and "Social Disease" both start with "Social?" #2 - Posted by: basil on January 21, 2005 10:03 AMTime shall tell all, one day you too will be an old senile ex geek. #3 - Posted by: James Old Guy on January 21, 2005 10:11 AMPyramid schemes never work. How will they fund this one if a flat tax goes through? Double the flat tax? You're right about the rate of return, but money is filthy and you might give yourself a disease if you crammed it up your butt. I guess it seems like a better idea if you're already sick. Drink more Guinness. #4 - Posted by: McWert Deglieb on January 21, 2005 10:27 AMFDR HAD THE POLIO RIGHT? #5 - Posted by: JUSTIN on January 21, 2005 10:28 AMI want my friggin' 5% and I want it now. I don't care how, I want it NOW! #6 - Posted by: Shawn on January 21, 2005 10:39 AMI'm telling you all, the only way to fix social security is to LIQUIFY OLD PEOPLE! #7 - Posted by: sackofcatfood on January 21, 2005 10:47 AMhmm, how can the same group be for social security AND Abortion??? #8 - Posted by: Aris_Ravencroft on January 21, 2005 10:57 AM"Old people are a solid voting block ....." That one dun cracked me up. #9 - Posted by: gaskar on January 21, 2005 10:57 AMMy solution is to tax trial lawyers at a 99.5% rate. All proceeds will be returned to the hard working medical professionals and drug companies they stole it from. Medical costs would plummet, and old people would feel like they are rich. You forgot...nah I'll put it on my own blog. #11 - Posted by: spacemonkey on January 21, 2005 11:00 AMAs an official old geezer of almost 1/2 century, I want to apologize to you young punks. It was my intent to never live long enough to actually need a retirement account. My plan was to rely heavily on sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll, live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse and to heck with old age. Heck, I even had the damn commies take a couple of pot shots at me. How the heck could I have known that I seem to have the constitution of a bull? So, again please accept my apology and hey you pucks, turn down that music and get off my lawn! #12 - Posted by: Connecticut Yankee on January 21, 2005 11:54 AM* FDR celebrated creating Social Security by having a smoke. * He did not celebrate it by having a brisk jog. That is wrong, very wrong. #13 - Posted by: Spetiam on January 21, 2005 12:12 PMIf Bush changes social security you will not be getting your money you will be sending the same amount to wall street where you will have some limited control over which kind of account you can invest in much like a 401K. While that all sounds good, I am still waiting for ken ley's court case and wonder how the enron people feel about their retirement benefits that they lost. I don't understand how you people don't understand that. Again I invite you to come to california become teachers, fix our education system that you claim is broke, leave no child behind because everyone is of equal educational talent in the president's mind, (have you heard him speak his own words lately?) and you will be on the state teacher's retirement system instead of social security, which by the way is very solvent. #14 - Posted by: patrick on January 21, 2005 12:19 PMThat one was awesome, Frank J. 1. The police won't actually shoot you, unless you shoot first. 2. Instead of throwing your gun at it you should reload. #16 - Posted by: The Annoying Blogger Who Corrects Other Blogs on January 21, 2005 12:39 PMPatrick, Just for your information, suppose you had a private retirement account invested in an S&P 500 fund 5 years ago? Before the Internet bubble burst, before the Enron and Worldcom scams were exposed. Guess what: you would have earned a positive return on your money already. BTW, 5 years ago Enron and Worldcom were both in the S&P 500. So was AOL. But you see, there were also 497 other companies. It is a simple idea called spreading your risk. How do we know that this would be the case? Well, you see the Federal Government already has such a system, only it is reserved for Federal employees. All investment is restricted to broad based index funds, like the S&P 500 and Russel 2000. And it has actually done better than leaving your money in bonds over the last 5 years. That is correct - the last five years, 2 of which were the worst we have seen in decades. I think I ought to have the right to the same kind of plan. What do you think? #17 - Posted by: shaulie on January 21, 2005 12:41 PMTo add to Shaulie's post: The proposed changes would make private investment VOLUNTARY. It's an OPTION. You don't like it? Then don't do it. I want my money to go where I want it to. #18 - Posted by: Tracey on January 21, 2005 12:48 PMShaulie, 1) Change of topic. Avoid discussions with those people at all costs. You can actually feel yourself dropping IQ points while in such discussions. #19 - Posted by: Ashley on January 21, 2005 12:49 PMLove your article...but never throw your gun away! There is always more ammo!!! #20 - Posted by: Steve on January 21, 2005 01:04 PMThank goodness for that last minute retraction. What a shame if I had been forced to give up the world's greatest humor because some young, smart-aleck punk didn't have the wisdom to respect his elders. #21 - Posted by: Roy Giddens on January 21, 2005 01:06 PMPS - I don't think privitization of SSC is so much putting the money in your hands as it is taking it out of the governments (addicts) hands. Had a discussion last weekend about national health care. My comment: When was the last time you dealt with anything government related that left you feeling like a 'served customer'? Say's it all don't it? #22 - Posted by: Cincinnati_Bob on January 21, 2005 01:47 PMCincinnati....you are so right! And I am an old geezer and I agree with you FrankJ you little punk! #23 - Posted by: Bikermommy on January 21, 2005 01:58 PMI just tried post on DU, and they are SO paranoid and protective they won't allow anyone who might disagree to even say one word. Yet lefties like Patrick come here all the time and vent whenever they want, and many times spam with endless gay porno links. That says a lot (there is no such word as alot) about their confidence level in their own message. Some of them are actually talking yet again about leaving the country. Don't let the door hit you on the ass. Some of them complain that Christians don't celebrate their homosexual lifestyle. They don't even know they're missing the point, and they are afraid to consider a dissenting opinion but they protest all the time. What a sad bunch of losers who don't know how to laugh. I bet they're the ones shoving money up their butts, but not for the rate of return. #24 - Posted by: McWert Deglieb on January 21, 2005 02:20 PMCincinnati_Bob, in today's young punk language, getting served is a bad thing (ie. "YOU GOT SERVED!"). Maybe the govt. could use that as a slogan... #25 - Posted by: Adam (VRWC Member) on January 21, 2005 02:22 PMHonestly, Roosevelt's middle name was "Ponzi" as in Ponzi Con. As an official old geezer I appreciate all of the filthy lucre collected off the hard sweat of y'all yunguns. Please keep up the good work of having two jobs to make ends (mine) (and) (yours) meet. Stop by Michigan & I'll buy you a beer...If I can afford it. "Brilliant!" #27 - Posted by: Laura on January 21, 2005 03:57 PMto Patrick, first off all those Enron employees made most of their money in the company under three years of explosion, they lost it because they didn't diversify because they were to greedy and expected enron to get them more money on its value. Down here in Texas, Galveston county opted out of social security before the loophole was closed, their account money was invested in the market and today they have enough money for 10 times the benefits offered by the federal government. #28 - Posted by: Blaine on January 21, 2005 04:02 PMCincinnati_Bob, in today's young punk language, getting served is a bad thing (ie. "YOU GOT SERVED!"). Maybe the govt. could use that as a slogan... Man-O-man, I guess I am old :) The Dems no doubt will. As soon as their support base gets intelligent enough to stop falling for the 'pull the quarter from the ear' trick for the 987th time.. #29 - Posted by: Cincinnati_Bob on January 21, 2005 04:07 PMI'm all for private accounts, by which I mean, all the money is sent to me and I'll keep it save under my hammock, er, mattress. #30 - Posted by: GatoRat on January 21, 2005 04:41 PMshoot all the bullets, then throw the gun. Damn, I keep mixing up that order. And Patrick, no one gets back the money they put in Social Security. People now are taking out what those of us working are putting in. #31 - Posted by: Robert on January 21, 2005 06:26 PMConnecticut Yankee, Thanks for fighting the commies. I don't mind funding your retirement for a while dude. #32 - Posted by: Dave in Texas on January 21, 2005 07:20 PMYou young whippersnappers!! Hurry up & make more money & get taxed higher so's I'll still have a shot at social security in 15 years. If you don't, it'll run out before then & I'll die poor & helpless in the cold snowy street. how come nobody ever stands up for the rights of Aquaman? FRANK J LIED, AQUAMAN DIED! #34 - Posted by: MacStansbury on January 22, 2005 01:43 AMFrank, it's "bloc," not "block." A block is a physical object; a bloc is a group of people or other entities. That fulfills my daily pedantics quota. The audacity of those old geezers! All they did was pay into the system for the 45 years of their working life and now they expect some of it back! How rude. Well, maybe they did raise the very same people whining about SS, so I guess it is their fault after all. #36 - Posted by: Jerry Atrick on January 22, 2005 04:22 AMverklempt. Otherwise, wonderful. #37 - Posted by: Josh Heit on January 22, 2005 06:41 AMActually, it *is* faklempt. #38 - Posted by: Tracey on January 22, 2005 09:09 AMI might try to be offended over the jogging thing, but as FDR knowingly kept communist spies in high places in his administration and adored the mass murderer "Uncle Joe" I think I can get over it. Of course, his disability did not keep him from breaking the 7th commandment which has become such a fine Democrat tradition. funny for the most part but... FDR jogging? not funny. the hilarious thing is all the dems who claimed that SS was in crisis back when clinton was president, now claim there isn't one. #40 - Posted by: A.W. of Freespeech.com on January 22, 2005 03:51 PMI thought FICA was the First Incursion of Communism in America... #41 - Posted by: rsmithjr on January 22, 2005 10:30 PMAll we have to do to deal with the senior citizens is burn down all the Country Kitchen Buffets. While they're distracted, we pull the plug on SS. #42 - Posted by: George guy on January 23, 2005 02:08 PMYou jerk, you made me blow beer out of my nose and over my keyboard. #43 - Posted by: M.F. on January 24, 2005 12:08 AMIn reponse to Ashley, I didn't change the subject, I didn't call names, you did, I didn't run away my email is available, where's yours? and these are not the dnc talking points they are the people who think for themselves, also I listen to as much fox news and right wing talk as left, I am a moderate but since you did all the things that you accused me of then by your own arguement you are a liberal. By the way on old age my wife has been an alzheimers nurse for 25 years so I know something about aging Blaine I am not an economist if you could tell me where I could read more of your most interesting point I will I unlike some can be educated. Also I did offer solutions. #44 - Posted by: patrick on January 24, 2005 01:22 PM Post a comment
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