Cute cat, and first.......

Such craziocity.

I'd advise getting a dog to keep an eye on the cats. See, they don't get along too well. Let a dog in that house, and next thing you know one or more of them's gonna go for the gun cabinet. I saw it in a movie I was forced to watch once, so it must be true.

Your cat is possessed by a demon. I have three cats and only one is possessed. At random intervals, she jumps up and races through the house at full speed, then runs downstairs. After what I assume is a period of racing around downstairs, she runs back upstairs and immediately goes back to whatever she was doing just prior to her fit.

I don't think SarahK is really trying to find an apartment.

Frank,

Didn't you like the name Pandora?

Drive to the nearest Wal-Mart. Take our life into your own hands and purchase empty bottles to fill with water for every room. (In the female hair department - or somewhere near there - ask Sarah). Trust me, one for every room. Give her a squirt when she misbehaves.

The better half recently rescued a cat. Nice cat he is, goes by the name of Stew (as in yummy for my tummy). Well, seems Stew believes he is a dog. Spends the day sleeping, chasing the dog (who is 100lbs his better) around the house, sleeping, moving to better location, sleeping, sleeping and eating dog bones before sleeping. The dog and cat keep each other in line.

To teach a cat that No means No, I usually do one of two things:
1. Place middle finger on thumb, with fingernail of middle finger touching thumb pad. Then flick middle finger on cats head. The thumping sound you hear should be accompanied by a stern NO. After a few times, a head thump with the middle finger/thumb will teach the Kitten, and a No is all you will need.

2. Get a squirt bottle, fill with water, and squirt the kitten, accompanied with a NO. If the cat likes water, this does not work. Eventually, this does not work, so don't use it too often

Well, I think you can get a squirt bottle, but I seem to recall that you're not supposed to say anything when they get squirted so they associate the action with a squirt, not your voice.

I used a supersoaker, but I always found that it was in the other room or on the table where I wasn't, so the cat associated me getting up to get the bottle with getting wet, not the action...

As for training them not to get on counters, I saw something in a catalog:
http://www.improvementscatalog.com/Parent.asp?product=247469x&dept%5Fid=1

we thought it was neat, but its too late to train our cats.

Kittens are much more fun. I'm not a dog fan, they're too high maintenance and drooly. I don't have to get up early in the morning to let the dog out to pee lest it mess the floor, and the cats are much better about that.

I agree with FrankR as well. A small thump will work. Oftentimes, I use a squirt bottle (especially when I'm not that close) so that the cat is clear about the physics: Action = equal and opposite reaction. One other thing - all cats my cats were different - every single one that adopted me as their servant.

My solution, as always, is a cattleprod and hammer.
But on such a small critter, my gf recomends keeping a spray bottle in each room.
I also recomend, but have been told no, is to remove the shocker from a propane grill. You know, the red button that sends a shock to light the flame. But the ASPCA would object to that, I am sure.

Keep yourself wrapped in thick padding. Head to toe. Also keep the bathtub full. This way you can dunk the cat in the bathtub when it is bad, or when you are bored. Alternatively, you can walk around with the garden hose tied to your belt.

A squirtgun does indeed work. You must have a spare holster you can stick a squirt gun in? It works best if you squirt from behind, so the cat doesn't see you. If they know the squirt is coming from you, they will also know that they can do bad things when you're not around.

I train my cats by hissing at them. Hunch down, lift one corner of your lip like Elvis Presley, and say "rrrooowwwwrrrr FITZ!!" On the FITZ, curl your fingers like a claw and swipe the air above their face. It takes some practice.

In cat language, "mee" = "hello." "Ow" = "back off and don't mess with me." Humans are the only creatures to which cats have been observed saying "Me-ow," or "I like you, but don't let it go to your head."

God, I have to get out of the house more . . .

Yeah a squirt bottle will work for some cats, I think a water gun would be better for the Mighty Frank-you won't have to brave the H&B section of your local sell everything store.
Another training tool I can suggest, an empty can (soda or beer), put a few coins in it and tape up the opening. Now when the offending feline does something objectionable you shake the can and they will usually stop what they are doing. They don't like the noise and when it is done to stop bad behavior they will get the point. It is great to teach cats that are strictly indoor animals to stay away from the door that lead to the great outdoors and imminent danger.

I think this calls for a Know Thy Enemy: Cats

You might be on to something...

Frank, three words will make you both much happier:

Cats for Dummies

I got this when my gf talked me into getting two purebred Burmese kittens from Seattle. I had a couple cats growing up, but I never understood half of what they do or why till I read the book.

A whhittle female cat?.....buddy, please leave your man-image firmly stowed in the tupperware bin, you wont be needing it anymore.

Seriously, get Tom Main Coon Theyre big, they can kill dogs, can be used as a pillow, and they love the water. Won't have to wrestle the 20lb Cat into a wash tub.

Nobody will question your manhood with
a house (coon) Tigger around.

Here's a quick cheat sheet -

tail up - "I'm happy."

tail down - "I'm not that happy."

tail puffy - "WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?!"

eye contact, followed by slow blink - "I like/trust you." (you can do this to them, and after a while they will do it back sometimes, which is kinda cool)

roll over on back while looking at you - "I like/trust you a lot" (you can't do this back without people looking at you weird and your cats won't get it anyway)

looking at you and meowing - "I have a problem (hunger, thirst, boredom, existential crisis). Solve it, you semi-worthless human."

my Burmese brothers also chirp, grunt, and snort to express how they feel about certain things such as moving into a new home or having their forehead scratched just right, but I think that's probably more idiosyncratic. Also, one of them growls at the doorbell.

if you want to make them happy, lifting them up so they can grab the top edge of a door and pull themselves up usually work

Believe it or not, you can train a cat. I was checking out clicker training (for the dog we're considering) and found that there is clicker training for Cats.
(see http://www.clickertraining.com/training/cats/index.htm?loaditem=cats&salesitem=cats_s)
I think the agility cat video is absolutely amazing. I never would have thought you could train a cat to do much of anything, never mind run an obstacle course.

Gassy cats are cuter. I think it's a conspiracy.

hln

Those are stuntcats, Leah. Real cats can only be trained to come running when you opena can of something they might actually like to eat.

Boy, you really fell for that one! Training cats! HA!

My older brother owns quite a few cats, and when he finds them doing stupid things like chewing on cables, he picks them up and tosses them across the room - not hard enough to slam them into a wall or anything, but enough to freak them out. After a few goes, they've figured out that that means "No".

John

And don't boof her in da head any more unless you want her afraid of your hand forever. Squirt bottles or squirt-guns...everywhere.

Maybe the squirt gun works on a normal cat, but Sylvester, my daughters feline friend, turns around and just stares at me. I can empty the squirt gun, and he still stares at me like I'm an idiot.

That kitten may never outgrow her tiny
meow. I have 3 cats, and two of them meow like proper cats, but one of them just squeaks. She's 8 years old and weighs 16 pounds, but she still just squeaks.

The sidney Sad pic is definately mislabeled. It should be "Who the heck is this idiot interrupting my nap?"
Be hankful that Sidney tends to be quiet. The Me --- OW vocabulary can be quite extensive and loud especially when the demands for entertainment and food are being expressed.

First, a cat is not like a dog with autism, a cat is like a dog who's got a pair.

Second, my cat didn't learn "no" until I got a dog. I think she finally understood it by watching the dog's reaction to the word. Weird...
Or maybe she always knew but now she knows she is in competition for my favor so she has to act right.

People who say you can't train a cat are the same people you see not training their kids -- everything the "little precious" does is totally natural. (I knew someone with a ton of strays, all totally trained.)

i am too looking for an apartment.

and ROFL, well, nevermind, sweetie. you heard me reading this.

Super soaker 2000, always hanging off your shoulder during the training week. Nothing gets their attention like that. Just put away all the non-water safe items during that time. And my female jumps on top of doors (from the vanity or dresser) So I built a couple of cat perches to give them their own shelf instead of my shelves o'fragile stuff.

Because I am the worlds biggest sucker, I have a dog and 2 cats, all adopted strays. The dog now gets most of her excersise following the cats and sniffing their bums. It is endlessly fasinating to her. The newest cat is "Cheney". He only squeaked for the longest time and now he talks quite a bit. The squirt bottles work, esp. if it's a sneak commando raid, so that they don't just figure out to do bad things behind your back. Cats and dogs really do learn to like each other's company, although it is hysterical to watch my cats run ahead of the dog, get on a chair and wait till the dog is close and wack her on the head repeatedly. The dog, who's a blonde, never even notices. (Sorry about the blonde joke Sarah K.) OTT, Sydney sounds alot like Cheney.

You don't need a dog. You need an alligator.

And the spray bottles/squirt guns/super soakers are much more effective if you put some ammonia in the water. Try it. It's totally hitler.

One of these days, when you're sick with the flu, she's gonna eat your eyeballs.

The problem with cats, Frank, is that thier brains have no connection to their butts. This means that no amount of physical conditioning will help. As my brother once said, kicking a cat does you no good, but stomp on 'em once and the problem is fixed. But that's a bit drastic as I assume you wish your kitty to be more than a doorstop in teh near future.

The key is to make a psychological connection with the undesirable behavior. In other words, you gotta scare the crap outta them.

You don't want to go thwacking them for bad behavior, unless you never want to be able to pet them. They learn to associate you reaching for them with a thwack. The association to the bad behavior is never made.

That's why squirt bottles (1 qt size sprayers set to stream) work best. You still (usually) get the message across, but they don't hate you afterwards.

Most cats are independent cusses though (that's why I like them). Certain things they want to do, they will do no matter what. Unlike dogs, who are the world's biggest suckups, cats usually aren't concerned with pleasing you. But if one ever brings you a dead mousie or other dead critter, you know they love you dearly. They just think you need to eat a little bit more.

both cats love water.

Then you MUST Pee on them!!!

The better half recently rescued a cat. Nice cat he is, goes by the name of Stew (as in yummy for my tummy).

Stew?!? Did he get rescued from a Chinese restaurant, or what?!?!?

(XD)

Yo Frank!

Cats aren't dogs... don't expect them to be. We have three now, and they are excellent.

The tail rules from Tall Dave are good for a cheat sheet. Also if they move their tail when you pet them you may be ticking them off. Also Big Tail Disorder with the ears back means a battle is coming. Usually they will make a low noise (not a growl, it's a bit weird). Typically happens when they are confronted with a strange cat, dog, etc.

P.S. Keep the bathroom door closed when you are peeing.

Cats can be trained, but they learn the minimum possible lesson. For instance, teaching them not to get on the counter really only teaches them not to get CAUGHT on the counter.

When you're not home, they do what they want.

Bolie IV

I don't think cats are too stupid to know what "NO" means, they just don't care.

When you point at a cat and say NO, the cat looks at you as if to say, "so, Mr. inferior human, who are YOU to tell me what to do?" They then insist that you feed them.

Cats are kind of like liberals in that respect.

But for some reason, I still like 'em.

"Cats are kind of like liberals in that respect.

But for some reason, I still like 'em."

its cause when a cat likes you, they like you for life (barring you treating them badly later on), when a liberal likes you, its until something better comes along.

Liberals? No.
Cats are like libertarians as dogs are like statists.

Remember:

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

If you want to try hissing at the cat, it comes from the throat -- also, "hissing" is one long noise, whereas "spitting" is a short "kah" sort of noise.

Both will really freak out the cat, unless she has no survival instinct at all.

You can train a cat. My son and I had a female who would come every time I call her name and clicked my tongue. When I would say her name a certain way and tell her "Don't even" she would turn around and walk away from whatever she had been planning to do before I corrected her.

Positive enforcement helps a lot -- hitting, squirting with water, etc. are very negative and do not help to establish communication between you and the animal. My son used the hitting and squirting, and the cat would not pay attention to his commands at all.