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February 02, 2005
Frank Advice for the State of the Union Address 2005
Posted by Frank J. at 08:54 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (18)

Well, checked the T.V. schedule and found out Alias isn't on tonight because of the State of the Union Address. Guess it's time for more advice:


* Don't start out saying something bland like, "The state of the Union is good," say something more colorful like, "That state of the Union is fan-tas-great!"

* Casually mention how you were reelected, such as, "I was like totally reelected 'cause Democrats suck!" This also makes sure people don't think this State of the Union Address is a rerun.

* You should mention the Iraqi elections, but don't gloat about it. Sneak it in there saying something like, "You were probably too distracted by the success of the Iraqi elections to notice how great the economy is doing."

* A lot of the Democrat base is going to oppose you no matter what. Simply scare them into compliance by taking out a lighter, holding it up, and saying, "I control fire! Fear me!"

* Each time there is a standing ovation and the Democrats stay seated, squirt them with a super-soaker. Eventually they'll learn to stand and applaud too.

* If you really want to drive a point home, destroy your podium with a judo chop as you say it.

* Mention how diverse your cabinet, but don't say, "Hell, my staff meetings look just like that subway car John Rocker described." That reference is too old and liable to go over many people’s heads.

* Promise to end hostage taking like the one reported yesterday by proposing a new initiative to crack down on shoplifting.

* The Democrats are going to try to scare seniors to be against your Social Security plan, so preemptively scare them first.

"The Democrats may tell you lies about my plans to save Social Security, but remember that, while they tell them, they have other people behind you STEALING YOUR PILLS!"

* Propose more tax cuts. I like those.

* Bring some Iraqis who voted to the State of the Union Address. When you point them out, make sure they have a mike so everyone can hear them yell, "You Democrats wanted us to die in tyranny. I will have your blood!" Pause for a while as they attack the Democrats before continuing on with the speech.

* Say you’re going to improve education for everyone, leading to "smarter nerds, and stronger bullies."

* Have that guy who brings animals and appears on Letterman a lot come to the podium with some monkeys. He's always entertaining.

* Remember: Indoor fireworks are totally dangerous and totally hitler!

* A great ending would be for a disco ball to descend from the ceiling and then the Republicans dance the night away. If the Democrats protest and say that doesn't show proper reverence, it will just make them look like no fun ninnies whom we should throw bricks at.

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

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