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February 16, 2005
Excerpts From the Captain's Log of the USS Jimmy Carter
Posted by Frank J. at 12:38 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (31)
...being all that separates us from the sea.

I could never admit to the crew the fear I have, though. Sure, they all joke about how our submarine was hacked together by a group of volunteers on a weekend and how, with our nuclear power, we won't have to wait in gas lines, but most are too young to really remember the unending horror that was the Carter presidency. Still, the crew all seems vaguely at unease, as if they're in a... well... malaise.

It's not like being named after that man is the mark of death, but...

* * * *

...the wound stings, but it's only superficial. I have no idea how many rabbits are hiding aboard this vessel, how they got here, and why they are attacking everyone in site. The crew is spooked. They're all taking it as a bad omen, just like how Ensign Chavez nearly choked to death on a peanut. Still, we...

* * * *

...nice to get some fresh air. The only problem was the photo taken that's been spread around the ship. While many are dismissive, others are sure that's the face of Satan formed in the water and are taking it as yet another bad omen. I saw the picture, and it looks more like Carter to me, but I'll keep that to myself.

Is that the sound of one of those rabbits? Why can't we kill a few simple...

* * * *

...is why I decided we need a break from this restlessness. Luckily, a French shipping vessel was spotted in open water. Seemed like a good live-fire test for our weapons systems. We fired a torpedo, but it just deflected off the side of our target. I'm not sure why it didn't detonate, but...

* * * *

...caused a huge panic, but the reactor wasn't even close to nuclear meltdown. I'd wish everyone stop comparing it to Three Mile Island. I'm thinking of ordering the finding of all history books onboard and destroying any pages related to events from 1976 to 1980 so everyone would stop finding these "omens." Then, I'll...

* * * *

...in a rush to find where the noise was coming from. We're a stealth submarine, for God's sake. How could such transmitters have been placed on board, I thought.

It became obvious when we found the note. "I disabled your torpedoes and made some other modifications to help you in your mission of peace." I would have thought it a joke, but I recognized the signature of Jimmy Carter as I would the mark of Satan himself. How could anyone let that mad man get anywhere near this submarine?!

What is being broadcast are some of Carter's speeches, and we are unable to stop it. It must be jamming all communication systems miles around us with nothing but the words of Carter, and thus all nearby countries have sent out attacks groups to destroy us.

I don't blame them.

I see the rabbits running about it what seems like a fevered joy. This will probably be my last entry. I just hope my family knows that I hate Jimmy Carter.

Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

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