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February 17, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Blogs
There are these things called blogs out there run by salivating morons who work in lynch mobs to bring people down regardless of the facts. This seems like a dangerous new phenomenon, so I had my crack research staff find out all they could about blogs. FUN FACTS ABOUT BLOGS * The blog was invented by Edgar K. Blog in the 80's in attempt to spread lies for the sole purposes of evil. At the time, only two other people were reading the internet, but most experts say he was responsible for Black Friday. * Blogs can simply turn on you at anytime for any reason. They attack without thought or provocation. Thus, make sure to always stay away from them and to disparage them in the media. * A blog will use a dark art called the "hyperlink" to "link" to what you say in an attempt to slander you. If you see any blog using a hyperlink against you, immediately contact law enforcement to get them to stop. * If you see a geeky looking male or a slutty looking female in front of a laptop, he or she could be a blogger. Don't make eye contact or say anything in front of them or they will destroy you. * On September 11th, bloggers spread rumors about some sort of terrorist attack leading to a war with Iraq so bloggers could get more oil - a raw material essential for blogging. * Bloggers are particularly depraved individuals. One infamous blogger was caught putting puppies in blenders to make smoothies. He now has to do community service as punishment which he fulfills by murdering hobos. * They say the shift in information by blogger lies was so great that it actually moved the earth leading to the recent tsunami. * Be careful of letting your daughters read blogs. Some are known to use ploys called "T-Shirt Babe Contests" to lead unsuspecting women into their lairs. * The only reason people blog is for the money which the so called “blogosphere” is full of. It is estimated that, by 2010, 90% of people will blog instead of work causing the destruction of the worldwide economy. * Blogs can often appear as other types of website that have real information instead of lies. If you suspect you're reading a blog, immediately smash your monitor with hammer. * If it's an LCD, cutting the screen should work too. * I haven’t really tried that; it just feels like material you should be able to cut. * In a fight between blogs and Aquaman, blogs would keep hounding Aquaman about supposed statements he made at Davos about U.S. troops deliberately targeting fish until he was forced to resign from his job at CNN. * If you are part of the mainstream media, blogs will keep demanding facts and objectivity from you. Don't give in! If you cede to this demand, who knows what they'll ask for next! * If under attack by bloggers, stop, drop, and roll. Just make sure there isn't a blogger with a digital camera nearby or he'll probably make a big deal out of it. * If blogs continue in their present march of destruction, the regular media will fall and you'll get all your information from what some guy named "Phil" can hack out during his coffee break. Even the greatest minds in science fiction could not imagine such a dystopic future. 29 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: Blogs"
A blogger ate my dog. He blended it and everything. #1 - Posted by: guttrhead on February 17, 2005 09:25 AMAlso, did you call SarahK slutty looking. I could use a "hyperlink" to "link" to where you said it, but then I'd be no better than a blogger myself. #2 - Posted by: guttrhead on February 17, 2005 09:30 AMI reminisce about the good old days when bloggers only wore pajamas. #3 - Posted by: toothless redneck on February 17, 2005 09:32 AMBloggers name 'Phil' should be fed through wood chippers. #4 - Posted by: spacemonkey on February 17, 2005 09:35 AMIf a blogger is attacked by a ninja how who will win the battle? #5 - Posted by: Littl Stevie on February 17, 2005 09:38 AMI for one welcome our new Blog overlords. Danjo Hey guttrhead, a dingo ate my blogger! #7 - Posted by: Undercover Hippie on February 17, 2005 10:49 AMI have seen the light! I will cease and desist any blogger activity immediately. I had no idea. Thanks, Frank J! #8 - Posted by: Jody on February 17, 2005 11:08 AMI have spotted a slutty-looking female at a laptop. She keeps complaining about how sore her ass is. Should I offer her a puppy-flavored drink? #9 - Posted by: TallDave on February 17, 2005 02:25 PMHey this guy in my office,I think his name is Phil, just told me about this website where he and his freinds are discussing the possibility that Elvis really killed JFK. I've got a sneakin suspicion that they may be bloggers! Which government agency should I call? #10 - Posted by: Good 'Ol Boy on February 17, 2005 03:03 PMIt is estimated that, by 2010, 90% of people will blog instead of work causing the destruction of the worldwide economy. And the remaining 10% will spend their entire workday reading blogs... #11 - Posted by: Andy on February 17, 2005 03:24 PMBlogging causes drain bamage, see I can't even get that right! Now I'm all screwed up, whoa is me. Drain bamaged, I am, I am. Blogging is hard on all the little cute puppies because everyone knows big time bloggers put puppies in blenders. Everyone thinks those big time bloggers drink those puppies, but I know what they really do with them. It's a secret but I'll tell just you. They poison the blended puppies and sell it to nursing homes! They call it Ensure or something like that. Poor old people think it's nutritional. They are killing off all the old people so we won't have to pay Social Security anymore. Blogging might cause paranoia, but I'm not sure because everybody is trying to kill me cause they don't want you to know that blogging is bad, bad, bad. #12 - Posted by: BeeBee on February 17, 2005 05:15 PMWow, blogs are really scary things. I'm going to hide with my computer under the covers so no evil blogs can get to me. And if one tries, I'm going to call Dan Rather because he will protect me! #13 - Posted by: sonofsheldon on February 17, 2005 10:17 PM"Dystopic"? Is that the word of the day? #14 - Posted by: jonag on February 18, 2005 12:51 AMVery funny, cuz it's true Tim McNabb I'm confused by this point: * If under attack by bloggers, stop, drop, and roll. Just make sure there isn't a blogger with a digital camera nearby or he'll probably make a big deal out of it. If he does have a digital camera and therefore I shouldn't stop, drop and roll, should I instead use the Duck and Cover drill? #16 - Posted by: Exile on February 18, 2005 03:01 AMYou can find Duck and Cover Drills on sale at Lowe's I belive. You can recoup the cost of the drill when you collect the digital camera. #17 - Posted by: toad on February 18, 2005 07:37 AM"woodchippers"? Ouch. #18 - Posted by: Phil on February 18, 2005 09:00 AMmmmmmmm....puppy smoothies #19 - Posted by: on February 18, 2005 09:12 AMThank you for your clarification. I also understand there is a cult of bloggers in states like Oklahoma. The sad thing about the post is I believe the folks at OLD Media.commie actually thought this was serious. Indeed they may have actually written it and Frank J just found it one the net. #20 - Posted by: Knut Wicksell on February 18, 2005 09:52 AMWhat exactly does a salivating lynch mob in pajamas look like? Not a pretty thought, me thinks. #21 - Posted by: JohnG on February 18, 2005 10:06 AMAs a guy named Phil, I must take exception to your commentary. I am not a coffee drinker. I also gave up dystopic things for Lent. #22 - Posted by: J Philip Faranda on February 18, 2005 10:13 AMIf under attack by bloggers, stop, drop, and roll. You mean like this? #24 - Posted by: The Sanity Inspector on February 18, 2005 10:27 AM"I voted for the blog before I voted against the blog." "[before I would blog] The blogs would have to pass a global test ." Beason Bjordan: "The bloggers are targeting journalists!" Rep. Barney Blank: "Bjordan, do you have evidence that the bloggers are targetting journalists?" Beason Bjordan: "Ahh, well, I heard two people were blogging about it..." Rep.Rangleabout: "If we drafted everyone to blog, then the Senator's sons would be bloggers and we wouldn't have blogs in the first place!" "I did not blog with that woman!" #25 - Posted by: lynchblog on February 18, 2005 11:05 AMIf one is having a puppy smoothie, and one gets thirsty, does one drink Jack Spaniels? -N. O'Brain Great post! Geez you nailed it. I tried to trackback, but no luck! #29 - Posted by: Kathianne on February 18, 2005 11:03 PMPost a comment
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