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February 17, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Blogs
Posted by Frank J. at 09:16 AM | View blog reactions | Comments (29)

There are these things called blogs out there run by salivating morons who work in lynch mobs to bring people down regardless of the facts. This seems like a dangerous new phenomenon, so I had my crack research staff find out all they could about blogs.

FUN FACTS ABOUT BLOGS

* The blog was invented by Edgar K. Blog in the 80's in attempt to spread lies for the sole purposes of evil. At the time, only two other people were reading the internet, but most experts say he was responsible for Black Friday.

* Blogs can simply turn on you at anytime for any reason. They attack without thought or provocation. Thus, make sure to always stay away from them and to disparage them in the media.

* A blog will use a dark art called the "hyperlink" to "link" to what you say in an attempt to slander you. If you see any blog using a hyperlink against you, immediately contact law enforcement to get them to stop.

* If you see a geeky looking male or a slutty looking female in front of a laptop, he or she could be a blogger. Don't make eye contact or say anything in front of them or they will destroy you.

* On September 11th, bloggers spread rumors about some sort of terrorist attack leading to a war with Iraq so bloggers could get more oil - a raw material essential for blogging.

* Bloggers are particularly depraved individuals. One infamous blogger was caught putting puppies in blenders to make smoothies. He now has to do community service as punishment which he fulfills by murdering hobos.

* They say the shift in information by blogger lies was so great that it actually moved the earth leading to the recent tsunami.

* Be careful of letting your daughters read blogs. Some are known to use ploys called "T-Shirt Babe Contests" to lead unsuspecting women into their lairs.

* The only reason people blog is for the money which the so called “blogosphere” is full of. It is estimated that, by 2010, 90% of people will blog instead of work causing the destruction of the worldwide economy.

* Blogs can often appear as other types of website that have real information instead of lies. If you suspect you're reading a blog, immediately smash your monitor with hammer.

* If it's an LCD, cutting the screen should work too.

* I haven’t really tried that; it just feels like material you should be able to cut.

* In a fight between blogs and Aquaman, blogs would keep hounding Aquaman about supposed statements he made at Davos about U.S. troops deliberately targeting fish until he was forced to resign from his job at CNN.

* If you are part of the mainstream media, blogs will keep demanding facts and objectivity from you. Don't give in! If you cede to this demand, who knows what they'll ask for next!

* If under attack by bloggers, stop, drop, and roll. Just make sure there isn't a blogger with a digital camera nearby or he'll probably make a big deal out of it.

* If blogs continue in their present march of destruction, the regular media will fall and you'll get all your information from what some guy named "Phil" can hack out during his coffee break. Even the greatest minds in science fiction could not imagine such a dystopic future.

Rating: 2.6/5 (32 votes cast)

Know Thy Enemy
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