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February 20, 2005
How to Get North Korea Back to the Table
Amid shouts of "We got nukie!" and "OO! Round-eye! You kung-fu no good! We hit chop-chop on you head!", the North Korean delegation stepped away from the negotiating table last week, breaking off the amusing, yet ineffectual, 6-way talks that had been going on since 2003. Despite their bluster, we know the North Koreans will be back eventually, since it's their only shot at grazing a buffet containing something besides gravel and anorexic kittens. However, it would certainly be nice if we could hustle the North Koreans back to the table a little sooner, if only because I, as a patriotic American, am sick of having my kung-fu disparaged. So as a personal favor to Secretary of Sexy, Condi Rice, I offer these: * Offer them copies of Don King's "Hair Poofing for Dummies". * Karaoke! Free Rail Drinks! and Girls! Girls! Girls! * Threaten to hack the official North Korea web site and turn it into a group humor blog. * No lap-dance posts, though - that would be a violation of international law. * Promise them all the puppies they can eat. Reynolds can probably spare a few. * Give in to Kim Jong Il's demands and let him play the Mayor of Munchkin City in the new "Wizard of Oz" remake. * Send the USS Jimmah Cahtah over to rabbit-blast them into submission. * Have Frank J. issue an official apology for all those poofy hair remarks while doing the Happy Dance. * Stop making them sit at the little folding card table with all the diplomats' bratty kids. * Keep repeating "apoofyhaireddictatorsayswhat?" Nothing says "negotiate" like a good Wayne's World reference. * Heh. "Babe-raham Lincoln". * Ya know, they're just mad because we forgot to buy them roses on Valentine's Day. North Koreans are such women. * Yeah, I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight for that one. * Offer them free "YEAAAAGH!" lessons from Howard Dean. * Empty America's nuclear arsenal into their crappy little country and then yell "First!" How do you like our kung-fu NOW, poofy-head? 17 Responses To "How to Get North Korea Back to the Table"
FIRST!!! Instead of the USS Jimmy, send the real guy himself. That way they have a human sheild that we don't care about. And if we have to nuke them later, two birds with one stone, rright? #1 - Posted by: Marc J. on February 20, 2005 01:47 PMMuch better, Harvey. I'm going to try hyperlinking, just to see if I can figure it out. This is my friends' webcomic with random humor and it stars earplugs as the main characters. What's not to love? Please check it out, they get almost no traffic. Here it is: hyperlink text #2 - Posted by: Adam (VRWC Member) on February 20, 2005 02:25 PMThat there's funny, I don't care who you are. Git er done! #3 - Posted by: Larry the Cable Guy on February 20, 2005 06:29 PMWell done Harvey! I thought I was reading FJ there (I don't know if that's a compliment or a disparaging remark). But I liked it! Hey Mikey... #4 - Posted by: doubletrouble on February 20, 2005 07:13 PMHey, Harvey's Beloved Wife is posting Quote Pen stuff over here. http://smilingdynamite.blogspot.com/ #5 - Posted by: Two Dogs on February 20, 2005 08:35 PMMarc J. --- ROFLMAO! #6 - Posted by: Brian on February 20, 2005 09:01 PMSeriously, what did Jimmy Carter do? Name the next class of aircraft carriers things like USS Serious Consequences. Then we could say They named it the USS Jimmy Carter because we can tell an insurgent country that we're sending Jimmy Carter and they'll just snicker and welcome "him" with open arms. #8 - Posted by: Josh on February 21, 2005 12:34 AMThey should name a destroyer the USS Jane Fonda, and send it over. USS Rambo? "Rambo is, even now, waiting off the coast of North Korea." They would surrender like that. #9 - Posted by: Effeminem on February 21, 2005 12:53 AMCoffee is not blowing out of my nose. I hope you add the capability to filter posts so that we can avoid reading things like this and that Lap Dance post. I hope Harvey doesn't have a long-term contract with IMAO! #10 - Posted by: Mark H on February 21, 2005 01:52 AMEleventh! #11 - Posted by: discomeatpies on February 21, 2005 05:21 AMMark H, do you have a scroll bar on the right side of your screen? Harvey, the folding card table one was hilarious. and so true! #12 - Posted by: sarahk on February 21, 2005 06:17 AMMark - Maybe the coffee isn't passing through your nose because you're all stuffed up. Try some Sudafed for that sinus congestion :-) #13 - Posted by: Harvey on February 21, 2005 07:05 AMJust send us Michelle Malkin and no one get hurt! #14 - Posted by: Beloved Leader (Kim Chong-il) on February 21, 2005 10:43 AMWe could kidnap all of Jong Illin's favorite concubines...or threaten to smash his Hummel collection. #15 - Posted by: HeatherF on February 21, 2005 12:16 PMYou forgot bark - they still have some bark left to eat. And grass. And long pig. Can't forget the long pig. MMmmmmm better than puppies. I think they ran out of puppies. I had a friend who visited N. Korea a few years ago and he said he couldn't even hear birds. #16 - Posted by: PlutosDad on February 21, 2005 12:28 PMYou'all got nothing to say 'bout Dr. Gonzo? That's what I get for reading right wing humorists. #17 - Posted by: Joshua Scholar on February 21, 2005 07:23 PMPost a comment
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