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February 21, 2005
Keep Those MSMin' Hands Off The Bloggin' Laptops!
Wall Street Journal columnist John Fund reportedly used some blogger's laptops without asking permission at the Conservative Political Action Conference on Saturday. He apparently did this in two separate incidents to two different bloggers. Some guy and some other guy. Never once asking permission nor thanking either blogger for the use of the laptops. You don't just grab a blogger's weapon of choice, fire off an email or two, walk away without a word and live to tell the tale. Not any more than you grab a marine's rifle out his hands, pop off a few rounds and throw it down like Michael Moore dropping a freshly cleaned hambone without getting your severely thrashed [pinky toe] torn off and handed back to you. It's just.not.done. In the face of this outrage I screamed a war cry, demanding blood. "BLOOOOOOD! FUUUUUNNNND!!!! KHAAAAAAANN!!!!" (When my blood gets really hot I invariably lapse into Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan style screaming.) I immediately meditated upon the serenity that is conservative thought. Lower taxes. Guns. Smaller government. Guns. A strict constitutional interpretation. Dead terrorists killed by Americans with guns. I repeated the mantra a few times and a measure of calm was restored to me. When I read further I fully expected to read about an honorable blogger warrior striking this Fund guy down in strict adherence to the ancient Blogger Code. When someone uses a blogger's laptop without asking and without thanking he shall be struck down where he stands (or sits) by the blogger nearest to him, even if the laptop's blogger owner was so freaking imbecilic as to leave an unsecured laptop unattended. - from the Blogger Code He was NOT struck down. He was not struck up. He wasn't even struck diagonally. Nothing. Just strolled off unharmed. What? WHAT? I raised my tightly clinched fist into the air and screamed again. "BLOOOOOOOOOD!" Then my wife told to pipe down as the neighbors were starting to gather outside, trying to figure out who was screaming. As every blogger worth his salt knows, this sort of violation of the Blogger Code is a capital offense. Why in direct but not capital violation to the Code was he not immediately struck down by the nearest blogger to him? If he is not struck down where he stands (or sits) by the blogger nearest to him, that blogger needs to be ashamed, maybe even slapped, with a brick. -- from the Blogger CodeIt should have been done the first time he did it. There should not have even been an opportunity for a repeat offence. I thought "this is beyond logic". I started to scream again "BLOO-" but the wife glared again and I sat back down. My mind raced. Were the bloggers' blogswords taken away during a weapons inspection? No, that's impossible, we wear them in special sheathes in our digital brownshirts which are impervious to 21st century security measures. Still looking for any excuse to cry for blood again, I continued reading. It seems this whole debacle took place in a building named after the legendary great conservative commie-slaying samurai Ronald Wilson Reagan. Then it occurred to me, this John Fund's life was in all likelyhood spared out of respect for the Great One, the Gipper. This, I suppose, is forgivable if just barely. Of course the Blogger Code is not without mercy. If the offender is not struck down in the act of his crime, he will be allowed to live. See? However, if the offender is NOT struck down in the act of his crime, he shall be allowed to live, if one can consider doing that kind of crap living. - from the Blogger Code But now, now it seems more likely it will be John Fund's character that will be assassinated instead. Why do get the feeling Fund may wish to seppuku before us bloggers are through with him? His name will be "MUUUUDDD!!!" 14 Responses To "Keep Those MSMin' Hands Off The Bloggin' Laptops!"
Hey spacemonkey, you should totally post the rest of the bloggers' code. It would come in handy. #1 - Posted by: The Robinator on February 21, 2005 07:39 AMAm I the only one thinking the bloggers in question should've started cussing this Fund guy out? What a dickweed. I wouldn't have put up with that shit at all. #2 - Posted by: Robosquirrel on February 21, 2005 10:39 AMShould not the two "dickweeds" in question be forced to perform some humiliating act of contrition as the offending parties? Perhaps participation in a "happy dance" with Frank in all it's gayness... #3 - Posted by: Littl Stevie on February 21, 2005 11:44 AMI agree... Spacemonkey, it is up to you to write a blogger's code. If you do not, I will banish you from my reading list forever more. Because I'm still not sold on this whole group-blogging thing! #4 - Posted by: Brian on February 21, 2005 11:55 AMIt is not just the blogger code, you couldn't get away with that in any work environment. That is why when I worked at they kept telling us to lock our computers when we walked away. They even had security people walk around looking for stuff lying on your desk, or unlocked computers, and fined your department if they found anything. It's nice to know Fund doesn't believe in manners or computer-use ethics. #5 - Posted by: PlutosDad on February 21, 2005 12:20 PMRobosquirrel, striking him down, while not nearly as extreme as cussing him out could be contrued as a sort of confrontation in a way, but I don't know, maybe you're right. You ARE the only one. lil stevie: it was the SAME, uh, dilweed who did it twice. Robinator,Brian: Hmmm, ME convert the ancient Blogger Code to a medium that modern day civilization can access? Hmmm. Wheels turning, dust burning. Hmmmm. Probably pieces of the Code could be released on a semi-regular-to-random basis. Could be a long project. Good Idea! Glad I thought of it! #6 - Posted by: spacemonkey on February 21, 2005 12:28 PMYou know what MOM would say about this: "That was a very bad thing for that Johnny Fund to do, but why did you leave your laptop alone where Johnny could find it? Laptops don't grow on trees, you know. They're very, very expensive. Well, I don't care if you had to go to the bathroom...could you have taken it with you? Wasn't there some other nice blogger you could have asked to watch your laptop? Just wait 'til your father hears about this..." #7 - Posted by: Frank L. on February 21, 2005 12:39 PMI think that the easy answer would have been to reach over and press the "go to sleep" button on the laptop. Once pressed, the process of shutting down cannot be reversed, thus you can stand back and enjoy the sight of someone like Fund beginning to curse at you. #8 - Posted by: Steven Den Beste on February 21, 2005 10:09 PMIf you strike him down, he will become more powerful than we can possibly imagine. So sign him up for lots and lots of opt-in spam, instead. #9 - Posted by: Robert on February 21, 2005 11:05 PMHmmm. The *really* easy answer is to install a keystroke logging program and then leave it out at one of these functions in the hopes that John Fund will use it. Access to the WSJ internal servers anyone? Just think of the havoc you could create with that. :):) #10 - Posted by: ed on February 21, 2005 11:07 PMOh stop. I've been a programmer for 20 years. You leave your computer unlocked, you deserve what you get. Most laptops have password locks nowadays. They're there for a reason. Use 'em, people. #11 - Posted by: Henrik Mintis on February 22, 2005 12:27 AMLaShawn Barber was the closest blogger. She was a bit star struck by even being in the presence of John Fund. LaShawn Barber's assertiveness training #12 - Posted by: Papertiger on February 22, 2005 02:56 AMUm, geez, lucky for the bloggers I wasn't there. I'd have posted disgusting fat chix p(r)*n to their blogs, along with a 72 pitch, Times New Roman headline, "Frank J is God. Er, I mean, good. Really good." I know that is a bit of bad ettiquette, but isn't this really just another [h]At[e]rios generated attempt to get another conservative journalist (or psuedo journalist, or Wall Street Journal-ist) fired, or at least removed from decent (blog) society??
Al Maviva, It's not like I called for Fund's blood or something. #14 - Posted by: spacemonkey on February 22, 2005 01:01 PMPost a comment
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