 |
|
|
|
About IMAO Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!  Buy funniest book ever!  IMAO Podcasts IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter
 Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!
About IMAO
If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK. About Frank J. Bloggers: Frank J. Harvey RightWingDuck Cadet Happy spacemonkey Laurence Simon SarahK Popular Categories
Fred Thompson FactsJohn Edwards Fabulous Facts lolterizt IMAO Condensed Know Thy Enemy Editorials Frank the Artist In My World Other Content
Ode to ViolenceBrief Histories IMAO Audio Bits  Read the Essay Own the Shirt Peace Gallery Search IMAO
Testimonials
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds "Unfunny treasonous ronin!" -Lou Tulio* "You, sir, are a natural born killer." -E. Harrington "You'll never get my job! Never!!!" -Jonah Goldberg "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO." -No One of Consequence "A blogger with a sense of humor." -Some Woman on MSNBC Blogroll
Ace of Spades HQThe Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler Blackfive Captain's Quarters Classical Values Conservative Grapevine The Corner The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!) Dave in Texas Eject! Eject! Eject! Electric Venom Hot Air Puppy Blender La Shawn Barber's Corner Michelle Malkin Pereiraville Protein Wisdom Rachel Lucas Right Wing News Scrappleface Serenity's Journal Townhall Blog IMAO Blogroll Bad Example Cadet Happy The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles mountaineer musings Right Wing Duck  This Blog Is Full of Crap Fred Thompson Links Fred File Blogs for Fred Fred Thompson Facts Awards
|
February 21, 2005
RWD's News Roundup - Monday
Welcome readers to IMAO! I'm RightWingDuck with today's monologue on the world and what's happening. Before I begin, I’d like to offer an apology to IMAO readers. Last week, I made a comparison of the National Hockey League to the Democratic National Committee. This was inappropriate and I’m sorry if people were offended by this unfair comparison. One is an organization filled with gap toothed goons who whack each other in the head when their backs are turned – the other is a professional sports league. The good news is that so far, not a single Democrat has blamed the NHL cancellation on global warming. Again, my apologies, I just haven’t been myself lately with all this rain!!!! Here in Southern California we have had a record amount of rainfall. It’s so wet – if it keeps up at this pace my wife and I might relocate to someplace warm and dry – like Seattle. Authorities here rushed to the Los Angeles River to investigate reports that some unknown substance had been spotted. Turns out it was just WATER! (Sorry, that’s an LA joke – funny mostly to locals) The top news story today –it was revealed that author Doug Wead secretly taped George Bush during an interview for his book. On the tape Dubya states, "Do you want your little kid, to say, 'Hey daddy, President Bush tried marijuana; I think I will?'" said Bush on the tapes. "That's the message we've been sending out. I wouldn't answer the marijuana question." Folks, I believe we have found the real reason that schools nationwide are canceling their spelling bees. Bush is making education seem unnecessary. "Not true, dad, you're always misunderestimating me." I’m concerned about this news report, of course. I hope this doesn’t affect his chance at reelection! Bwu-ha-ha-ha. Bwuhahahahahahaha. Oh, sorry Today was President’s Day! Hopefully, some of you celebrated with a day off, a nice family gathering, and a trip to see your local Pride Parade. An organization came out today insisting Lincoln was not gay, as a soon-to-be-released book alleges.. The organization protesting this accusation is made up of descendants of Lincoln’s closest friends: A construction worker, an Indian chief, a police man, and a biker dressed in leather chaps. CIA Chief Porter Goss announced the other day that Al Queda just might sneak across the Mexican border. Might? That’s like saying that Paris Hilton might like being in front of the camera. Paris Hilton had her cell phone hacked and a complete list of all her celebrity friends and their phone numbers was published for the entire world to be able to call. Police report that some of her friends have received as many as sixteen phone calls. So the question has to be asked – what made these celebrities think that Paris can keep anything private? Anyway, the Bush team took a close look at the Porter Goss statements and then came out with a memo emphasizing the need to add private accounts to Social Security. So the big question is this; Are these smuggled Al Queda taking jobs from honest American terrorists? Man, I’m so glad we have a border patrol. But I do worry about the rest of you. George Bush is embarking on a trip to meet with our allies. He wants to mend fences and convince countries to help us rebuild Iraq. He’ll be meeting with France very soon. If all goes well, they’ll sign on to help us restore order. No really. Stop laughing. In actuality, it’s really a good idea. The American troops can help train the Iraqis and the French troops could help train the insurgents. We’d have them licked in no time. Philadelphia has announced its plans to create one of the country’s largest Wi-Fi spots. This will provide a tremendous amount of convenience. If you wanted to protest homosexuality you could protest, pray, and get arrested – all from the comfort of your own home. Man, this could really help Philadelphia move into the twentieth century. Great slogan idea: "Philly: the City of Brotherly love – no not you.”
What’s education coming to? As Mary Kay Latourneau would say, “Make love, not war.” Of course, the teacher is in trouble. A shame too, his next idea showed so much promise - a METH lab! A woman sold her pregnant belly for use as ad space to the highest Ebay bidder. True, the woman is pregnant and sold her belly space for the highest bidder to use as advertising. I wonder if that kind of advertising works at all. “Quick, Doctor. I need help. My wife is in labor” So this is a growing trend. One day, a guy will drop his pants to moon the crowd – and he’ll be ticketed - for spam! A bit of controversy though. She decided to sell her space to the second place bidder. The winner says they may now sue. They mean it too. They got the name of a good lawyer from a guy’s forehead. You know what would have been great? A tourist ad! “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas- most of the time.”
Now the new slogan is "The World’s Second Home." Today John Kerry commented, “Not a bad second home, but it’s a bit cramped.” I liked the other proposed slogans: “Every 12th visitor gets a contract with the Yankees.” “Just like home, but with hookers on your sofa.”
No offense to Mr. Green, but that’s ancient history. Besides, how do you track advantages and disadvantages? “Sure he hit 38 home runs, but 10 of were off pitchers that were hung over!” I don’t know about this. If you find out the Playmate of the Month has breast implants – does Playboy owe you a refund? Or does it owe you a refund if you find out she doesn’t? That would change the way young men look at magazines. “Wow, she’s hot. What’s that on her breast?” ** That's it folks. Have a good evening. One last request. I'm sure at least ONE of these jokes made you chuckle. Please post your favorite one in comments. Remember, I can't hear you laugh. 36 Responses To "RWD's News Roundup - Monday"
That was brilliant,Harvey! #1 - Posted by: Moe on February 21, 2005 06:19 PMI can't stand it. I just can't stand it. #2 - Posted by: RightWingDuck on February 21, 2005 06:25 PMHarvey? RWD, it was good, long, but long isn't always a bad thing.. Now, where are all the dirty jokes we were promised?? #3 - Posted by: CCinCali on February 21, 2005 06:35 PMOops,sorry Duck.I got some vodka in my eyes and got discombobulated and confusified. ;) Brilliant stuff,RWD! #4 - Posted by: Moe on February 21, 2005 06:36 PMLiked the what stays in Vegas line. #5 - Posted by: see-dubya on February 21, 2005 07:12 PMOne is an organization filled with gap toothed goons who whack each other in the head when their backs are turned – the other is a professional sports league. I know, I know, it wasn't part of the news summary, but it made me gaffaw the most. Great post, Harvey! #6 - Posted by: Tuning Spork on February 21, 2005 07:18 PMDo'h! RightWingDuck! Moe through me off. Mo-o-o-o! **shakes fist** #7 - Posted by: Tuning Spork on February 21, 2005 07:19 PMI mean, Mo-o-o-o-e! Just call me Harvey, 'kay? #8 - Posted by: Tuning Spork on February 21, 2005 07:21 PMLOL @ Tuning spork mooooing! #9 - Posted by: CCinCali on February 21, 2005 07:25 PMSome of those were funny, RWD, but don't you think the daily news roundup is a bit too long when it takes longer to read it than watching the local news at night? #10 - Posted by: humanoverlord on February 21, 2005 08:20 PMI liked the one with the L.A. River and water. It is so true. But I think it applies even more to those channels-cut-by-aliens-that-for-some-reason-have-water-in-them in AZ. By the way, just a suggestion in the form of a question: could you separate the news items somehow; like with a dash or dot or something? #11 - Posted by: TheRoyalFamily on February 21, 2005 08:30 PMIt took a long time to read? Try not moving your lips.. hahahahhaha. Just kidding. Point taken. Yes, it was a bit long, but the jokes were in danger of becoming stale. And I can't give you jokes that are old AND lame. Lame, yes. I'll happily give you lame. Separating the jokes... not a bad idea. I'll try that next time. BTW, I've noticed nobody actually sharing which ones were funny. Tough crowd. #12 - Posted by: RightWingDuck on February 21, 2005 08:41 PMI don't know about this. I spewed my buttermilk at that one. Just kidding, I really liked this one And I don't drink buttermilk. #13 - Posted by: spacemonkey on February 21, 2005 08:51 PMI think what made me laugh the loudest was: The American troops can help train the Iraqis and the French troops could help train the insurgents.#14 - Posted by: Frank J. on February 21, 2005 08:55 PM I hope this doesn't affect his chance at reelection! I liked that one. The bits about Al Qaeda and Mexico were funny too. #15 - Posted by: Ann on February 21, 2005 08:55 PM“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas- most of the time.” -Nice one #16 - Posted by: Will on February 21, 2005 09:18 PMI am a Philly native (been gone for 20 years, but still...), so this was my favorite: Man, this could really help Philadelphia move into the twentieth century. Great slogan idea: "Philly: the City of Brotherly love – no not you.” #17 - Posted by: Pablo on February 21, 2005 09:42 PMGeorge Bush is embarking on a trip to meet with our allies. He wants to mend fences and convince countries to help us rebuild Iraq. He’ll be meeting with France very soon. If all goes well, they’ll sign on to help us restore order. No really. Stop laughing. In actuality, it’s really a good idea. The American troops can help train the Iraqis and the French troops could help train the insurgents. We’d have them licked in no time.
Okay, okay. That was pretty funny... :-) "The organization protesting this accusation is made up of descendants of Lincoln’s closest friends: A construction worker, an Indian chief, a police man, and a biker dressed in leather chaps." Can't you just let us be evil for a while? #19 - Posted by: Squatch on February 21, 2005 10:09 PMGeorge Bush is embarking on a trip to meet with our allies. He wants to mend fences and convince countries to help us rebuild Iraq. He’ll be meeting with France very soon. If all goes well, they’ll sign on to help us restore order. No really. Stop laughing. In actuality, it’s really a good idea. The American troops can help train the Iraqis and the French troops could help train the insurgents. We’d have them licked in no time. This made me laugh quite a bit. Then I thought to myself, where's the fun in the insurgents surrendering? #20 - Posted by: Elliott on February 21, 2005 10:19 PM“Sure he hit 38 home runs, but 10 of were off pitchers that were hung over!” #21 - Posted by: Maniakes on February 21, 2005 10:45 PMOne thing though; I'm afraid you're mistaken about L.A. being safe; terrorists will try to smuggle a nuke into the most populous, least protected parts of the country - it's got to be either California or New York. They don't care about whether any non-muslims are on their side, they just want to kill us all. Kind of refreshing to have enemies who are just cowards, not weasels(often)... #22 - Posted by: synonym on February 21, 2005 10:48 PMakk of that was really funny... but my favorite was clearly the line about Bush's reelection! #23 - Posted by: frenchman on February 21, 2005 11:23 PMDunno, overlord... If it took you THAT long to read, it was because you kept laughing. Give the duck some credit in your gripe. #25 - Posted by: Ja on February 22, 2005 01:21 AMPolice report that some of her friends have received as many as sixteen phone calls. Probably all from me lol. But persistence paid off when I was called by non other than Paris Hilton herself. She asked me where I was getting the numbers from. I know nobody will believe it, but what the hell I'll put it out there. #26 - Posted by: kizzdogg on February 22, 2005 02:00 AMI have been in LA now for a total of 8 days. I can say 2 things about the rain. First, it doesn't compare to South Florida - not even close. Then again, it is quite a bit of rain for a DESERT. 2nd (and thankfully last) in all the visits to this overcrowded sprawl over the last 30 years or so, I can say without exception that the AIR is so clean you can't even see it. THAT is so unusual. . . “Just like home, but with hookers on your sofa.” Funny stuff! #28 - Posted by: Brandon on February 22, 2005 05:03 AMTo help you out, I kept reading it all over and over and over. By the fourteenth read, though, nothing made me laugh. Sorry. #29 - Posted by: Frank J. on February 22, 2005 07:05 AMAn organization came out today insisting Lincoln was not gay...
The American troops can help train the Iraqis and the French troops could help train the insurgents. #31 - Posted by: Buddha on February 22, 2005 07:41 AMOn a personal note, I used to worry that terrorists would smuggle a nuclear warhead and detonate it in Los Angeles. Then I realized – this is where all of their allies live and work. Hollywood is like the Al Queda Green Zone. Now that's good stuff. The LA River joke was pretty good too. “Every 12th visitor gets a contract with the Yankees.” Classic! #33 - Posted by: Nip-n-tuck on February 22, 2005 02:50 PM”They got the name of a good lawyer from a guy’s forehead” caught me off guard—like a laugh ambush. The Pepsi references were good too… it was all good! Sorry my comment is a little late, it just took me this long to read it. Seriously, it wasn’t too long at all. IMAO sure has a bunch of whiners: It’s too long, it’s too lowbrow, it’s too crass, waah, waah. #34 - Posted by: Pete on February 22, 2005 02:51 PMJa - perhaps I should clarify. I thought it was very funny stuff, much better than my local news. Not too many others think it took too long to read, so I am going to go ahead and attribute that to the fact that I am originally from Alabama, and thus a bit "slow" (its a great excuse to use in college). #35 - Posted by: humanoverlord on February 22, 2005 03:33 PMI for one, welcome HumanOverlord. Thanks for laughing. Hurray. Somebody liked the forehead joke. That one was my favorite. #36 - Posted by: RightWingDuck on February 22, 2005 03:49 PMPost a comment
|
Buy IMAO T-Shirts 
 
 
IMAO T-Shirts
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe (winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!! Yay! Books!
Capitalism
Archives
By Category
24American Idol Aqua-Adventures Barackalypse Now Best of IMAO 2002 Best of IMAO 2006 Bite-Sized Wisdom Editorials Election 2008 Filthy Lies Frank Answers Frank Discussions Frank on Guns Frank Reads the Bible Frank the Artist Fred Thompson Facts Friday Cat-Blogging Fun Trivia Hellbender Hellbender Take Two Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths Humor I Hate Frank If I Were President ignis fatuous IMAO Condensed IMAO Exclusives IMAO for the Non-Deaf IMAO Reviews IMAO Think Tank In My World In My World - Fan Fiction John Edwards Fabulous Facts Know Thy Enemy lolterizt Michael Moore Mitt Romney Ads News Round-Up Newsish Fakery No, McCain't Our Military Permalink Contest Precision Guided Humor Assignments Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul Ronin Profiles Ronin Thought of the Day SarahK's TV stuff Scary Evil Monkey Simpsons Trivia Songs & Poems State of the Frank Report Superego Totally True Tidbits WEsistance Is Facile Why Me Laugh? Yvonne's Ashes By Month
December 2008September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006 July 2006 June 2006 May 2006 April 2006 March 2006 February 2006 January 2006 December 2005 November 2005 October 2005 September 2005 August 2005 July 2005 June 2005 May 2005 April 2005 March 2005 February 2005 January 2005 December 2004 November 2004 October 2004 September 2004 August 2004 July 2004 June 2004 May 2004 April 2004 March 2004 February 2004 January 2004 December 2003 November 2003 October 2003 September 2003 August 2003 July 2003 June 2003 May 2003 April 2003 March 2003 February 2003 January 2003 December 2002 November 2002 October 2002 September 2002 August 2002 July 2002 March 1933
|
Stumble It!
