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February 23, 2005
Who the Hell Do I Think I Am - Aquaman
Some mighty questions have been posed to bloggers such as I, but I fear no challenge! 1. Who the hell do you think you are? I am none other than...
King of Atlantis! Defender of the seas! Righter of wrongs! Communicator to the fish! A darn good swimmer, too! Only fools dare try villainy against me. 2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass? I am a superhero. My job is justice! So show me more respect, knave. 3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot? My daring deeds have made countless news stories. I don't report news - I make it! 4. Do you even read newspapers? Alas, newspapers do not fare well in sea water. 5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool? I know not of news told by a fox, but I constantly hear of daily events from a bluefish. 6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh? Again, radio signals do not fare well in the depths of the seas. 7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot? Electronics don't do so well either. I'm blogging from an internet café right now. 8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist? Who could disagree with Aquaman but a villain who wishes harm to our seas? 9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport? I need no passport to travel the ocean. 10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick? I have been to the edge of the world and back! 11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk? Wars on land are of no concern to me. 12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face? I know of much fighting beneath the sea. As for the friend's face becoming goo, I knew this manatee who never listened to me about avoiding boat propeller blades... 13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo? There is a lot of goo in the sea. 14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?! I am Aquaman! All villainy fears me... at least villainy that's in the sea. 18 Responses To "Who the Hell Do I Think I Am - Aquaman"
first! LOL @ frenchman! #2 - Posted by: Laura on February 23, 2005 04:35 PMYou know how sometimes you get upset that the people policing your neighborhood are a bunch of fat donut critics who spend most of their time trying to trick you into speeding tickets? It could be worse. They could be Aquaman. Imagine being in a burning building, and the person sent to rescue you shows up in his underwear on a giant seahorse. Or worse, standing on two flying fish with leashes (above right). But don't worry, while you're burning alive, your rescuer has the fantastic ability to TALK with those fish he's using as shoes. You might as well cover yourself in gasoline and try to get it over with quick. Even if Aquaman's lucky enough to have his existence justified with a fluke underwater adventure, he's still almost useless. Sure, he doesn't have to wear a globe on his head to breathe like his pals, but they can still shoot lasers and lightning bolts. Aqua Man does things like send a school of little fish against a submarine. There are rare times when he remembers he can call something tough like a whale or a shark -- usually when they're in some freshwater lake or a swimming pool. And you don't have to be a marine biologist to know that's fucked up. And that's Aquaman in his element. You get him on dry land and he has trouble vacuuming the house. Don't get me wrong, if you need to find out how much your goldfish enjoys its new flakes, there's no one more qualified. But if you're trying to fight crime, breathing underwater doesn't come in very handy. I've yet to get mugged and have my attacker say, "Give me your wallet and your shoes... UNLESS you can hold your head in this aquarium for five minutes!" Plus, Aquaman forgets he has powers all the time. He'll be going for a swim, and for no reason, a disgruntled octopus will try to kill him. I guess they hate him as much as we do. So what do you do when an octopus attacks you? Maybe you'd try to get free, punch the thing, or panic until you choke and die. Maybe you'd get out your camera and hope your death can get passed around the internet by bored office workers. Aquaman is the only person on the planet who can just ask the octopus to stop killing him, and it usually takes him 30 or 40 seconds of wiggling and talking to himself before he remembers. And sometimes he never does. Instead of demanding it let go of his neck, he'll call over another fish to bonk it with its head. I've never been choked by an octopus, but I think panicking is probably a better idea than that. #3 - Posted by: seanbaby on February 23, 2005 04:49 PMWho is this mysterious Aquaman? He doesn't seem to write quite like Frank. #4 - Posted by: sackofcatfood on February 23, 2005 05:00 PMDamn seanbaby write a book next time. Anyway,the "As for the friend's face becoming goo, I knew this manatee who never listened to me about avoiding boat propeller blades..." line was pretty damn funny! Well, it's about time, Chum! I'll never forgive you, Chum... #6 - Posted by: Junglejake on February 23, 2005 05:05 PMI have this hilarious mental image now of Aquaman sitting in an internet cafe, hunched over a computer, typing away. #7 - Posted by: Ann on February 23, 2005 06:28 PMHey, doesn't this look a little like SarahK? (She is missing a gun, though) #8 - Posted by: MF on February 23, 2005 06:53 PMMaybe Aquaman has reached into a jelly fish. Does that count? #11 - Posted by: jonag on February 23, 2005 07:26 PMMF - have you been over to http://porktornado.diaryland.com/ or http://www.atlantaillustrated.com/blogs/blog02/ ? Seanbaby - LOL. Aquaman - What do you mean King of Atlantis? Are you against democracy? You're a terrorist, aren't you?!! You better run, terrorist, you know what we do to your kind here at IMAO. Oh, and also, don't you watch Stargate? Atlantis isn't underwater, it's a planet in a different galaxy. (OK, well, it is underwater, but it's underwater on a planet in a different galaxy, not Earth). #14 - Posted by: Brian on February 23, 2005 08:35 PMBrian, Atlantis no longer underwater, it went to the surface because the ZPM was almost depleted in the FIRST episode. Poser! #15 - Posted by: spacemonkey on February 24, 2005 12:06 AMahhh, but spacemonkey, that was only in that time line. this is bogus Spacemonkey, I also have Atlantis downloaded, and have seen episodes that haven't aired yet. Want me to ruin the end of the season for you? No, I didn't think so--so back off, poncho! #18 - Posted by: Brian on February 24, 2005 10:08 AMPost a comment
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