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February 23, 2005
RWD's News Roundup - Wednesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 08:57 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (11)

Hello, I'm RightWingDuck

Let’s talk about the news and what is going on in this happy little world.

A judge ordered an extension of the stay in the Terry Schiavo Right-To-Die case. He is considering ordering tests to see just how damaged her brain really is. At stake is whether or not they will pull her feeding tube.

A right-to-die case? Calling the Schiavo case “A right-to-die case” is like calling the Scott Peterson trial a 'domestic dispute'.

The husband, Michael, won a court settlement and said he would use the money to take care of his wife. I guess we misunderstood the phrase “take care of.”

The only thing he’s done with the money is pay for lawyers to let her starve. I’m reminded of that great Simpsons’ line. “I’ve tried nothing and I’m all out of options.”

The media insists on calling this woman brain dead, except for her ability to recognize people and smile at her loved ones - she's a total vegetable.

Not that we see that too much because her parents aren’t allowed to see her, she’s not allowed to have pictures on the wall, or even flowers.

Ironic, if she were at Guantanomo - being starved would be considered cruel.

Hollywood should make a movie about this!!!

Oh, wait, they did. And it’s up for an Oscar.

Michael Schiavo will star in "Sugar Baby II, I Finally Killed My Wife - and Married My Lover".

Of course, the Oscars are coming up and Hollywood is getting ready to address all of the important social issues – like Bush Bashing!

The LA Weekly is reporting that comedian Chris Rock will be going after Bush. Wow, how original. The report also shows a strong repertoire of Mother-in-Law jokes.

Oh, Hollywood. You kill me! Or you would if I was on a feeding tube!

Okay. Enough about that.

Los Angeles has been devastated by the rainstorms. City officials are seeking to have Los Angeles declared a disaster area.

See, growing up, my mother would always say, “This room is a disaster area!”
I didn’t know you could get money because of it. Man, I wish I could go back!

“This room is a disaster area! Do you know what that means young man?”

“That I qualify for low or no interest federally subsidized loans?”

The rains have flooded freeways everywhere. The other day, Governor Schwarzenegger toured the devastation – in his yacht – the I Hate Girlie Men.

In the Michael Jackson case, the jury selection is now complete. Funny. No black people on the jury: 4 men, 8 women, 7 whites, 4 Hispanics, and 1 Asian.

I forget – is Michael white or Asian?

I have to ask: Is that a good sign from your lawyer?

“No blacks? Why are we doing that?”
“When we lose, Michael– we want to blame racism.”
“What do you mean- WHEN we lose?”
“Did I say when? I meant IF. IF we lose. By the way, can you pay me in advance?”

Michael faces Child Molestation charges Or as the media calls it – A Freedom-of-expression case!!

In lighter news, Miss America has no network sponsor.

AWWWWW.

It seems that they might try their hand at making Miss America into a reality show.

Fake boobs, capped teeth, packaged answers.… yep,your either watching a reality show -or the Oscars.

They already have two sponsors lined up: Duct tape and Vaseline.

I could just see it now: Reality TV rules with Beauty Pageant basics:

“Miss North Carolina, what would you do to promote world peace?”
“What? Screw you, that’s a stupid question. I won the immunity challenge!!”
“Uh, no. That was Miss South Carolina.”
“Really? Oh, I mean, I would make sure all the orphanages had warm milk.”

Jessica Simpson was hospitalized briefly with a stomach virus.

Doctors speculate she may have contracted the virus after listening to her own music.

Just kidding.

I love Jessica Simpson – very pretty lady. She may not be a great singer, but I am looking forward to her duet with William Hung.

Thank you, Jessica. “Take My Breath Away” was one of my favorite songs before she ‘catterwalled’ it - or as they say, gave it a right-to-die.

In Florida, a boy was suspended from school over a rubber band incident. According to the boys mother, a teacher demanded the boy turn over a rubber band, which he had been wearing on his wrist. He disagreed, but tossed the rubber band onto the teacher’s desk.

They said if he would have aimed it a little more and he would have gotten it closer to her face he would have hit her in the eye," mother Jenette Rojas said.

Does that mean she can sue the school for sexual assault? Sure, all they do is hand out condoms, but if used in the wrong way - you never know what could happen!!

**

I know you’ve heard about this one.. A teacher has apologized for having students send hate mail to GI’s overseas.

Can you imagine that? You’re in South Korea, you get this packet of mail with these cute little crayon drawings and you open the first one…

“Dear Soldier, my name is Billy. I’m six years old. Will you be over there long? I’d like to live to be seven! Don’t come back.”

“Dear Baby Killer. You kill babies. That makes me sad. Do you like apples?”

"What the heck is this?!!"

To make up for it, the class will now be sending letters of apology.

"Oh, look! Apology letters."

Dear Soldier, I’m sorry you’re a baby killer.

Awww. How sweet. How can you be angry with that? Don’t you just love little kids?

News reports show that that little Aiko, the three year old princess from Japan, could in fact one day become queen.

Well, it wasn’t an official statement, but it came through informal channels.

Her grandma and her grandpa were sitting by the fire.
Her grandpa said to her grandma –
hey now, hey now
It could be Aiko, Aiko one day!!

Jackomo fino anane

Hahahahhahahahahaha.

Sorry. It was funny at three o’clock this morning!!

Patience please.

The Queen of England will not be attending Prince Charles’ wedding.

This made the front page of all the British papers.

Everything has been smoothed over. Turns out, she thought Camilla Parker Bowles was really a man!

She still won’t attend the civil wedding. In her defense, do you know how HARD it is to get that hair appointment with Andre?

Is that how we see weddings?

"I'm sorry to miss it, son. I'll make it up to you. I'll catch the next one."

**

Thanks

As always, I appreciate your time. Please take a moment and list your favorite joke in comments. Remember, I can't hear you laugh.

Rating: 2.6/5 (24 votes cast)

News Round-Up
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