Hello Everyone,

I'm RightWingDuck with today's news roundup.

President Bush has just finished his trip meeting with foreign leaders.

Not the way John Kerry meets with foreign leaders; these people weren't imaginary.

The president met with European Union leaders asking them not to sell weapons to China.

Jacques Chirac smirked, “What harm could they possibly do with such a small purchase of Taiwan Busters?”

Meeting with Vladimir Putin, they agreed that Iran shouldn’t develop nuclear weapons. No mention of the word PURCHASE! But it’s a step in the right direction.

Vladimir said that Russia would do Democracy their way. A new Democracy, where each gives according to his abilities, and all receive according to their needs.

A Virginia man has been charged in a plot to assassinate President Bush.
The young man is a Valedictorian graduate from a Saudi School here in the United States.

Are we surprised by this?

It was probably on his college application!!

"You have a very impressive application."
"Yes, my goal is to assassinate President Bush."
"Very impressive. Can we help you with anything? Scholarship? Transportation? Bullets?"
"No, I just need to a different job."
(Picking up the phone) That much hatred for Bush - I know just the person to hire you- Hello, Eason?"

President Bush insisted there was nothing to worry about. As a gesture of goodwill, he even signed the young mans book, “How to Assassinate The President – for dummies.”

I think it’s important that we take our security seriously.

We should start by renaming stuff.

Representative Charles Rangel Tuesday that it was an act of discrimination to label groups like Hezbollah "Islamic terrorists."

Here’s my favorite part… "When we had the Ku Klux Klan we didn't call them Baptist terrorists. When Hitler was killing Jews, we didn't call it Christian terrorists."

I love it! Hitler was a Christian? I guess it’s all relative..

I mean, somewhere in America there’s a 900 pound man that looks at Michael Moore and says, “How does Michael keep such a trim figure?”

I can understand how ultra-liberals could confuse Hitler with a Christian. Sure, he murdered 6 million Jews, but he buried the bodies. “What a Christian”, they say.

When they pull the feeding tube on Terri Schiavo, and let her starve, I’m sure they’ll roll her carcass onto the street for street cleaning day.

I’m sure Rangel would admire this Christian act.

BTW, we still have the KKK, and we don’t call them Baptists – we call them Senator.

Time is running out for Terri Schiavo.

You know, I actually thought of a great solution!

Maybe the best answer is to accuse her of a crime and then have her arrested.

Sounds cruel, I know. But at least this way, she might get some healthcare – and at least a minimal amount of therapy – how else could she answer the charges?

Now, the ‘victim’ would have to be a black person. This way we’d have Al Sharpton there saying that a black person’s rights were violated by this woman pretending to be vega-tose. He'd be careful not to call her a Vegatose Christian.

Hurray, maybe finally there would be a liberal organization that gave a crap!!

Oh, man. I’m doing it again.

Think about puppies. Think about puppies.

In India, two little boys and two girls were each married off – not to each other – but to puppies. It was a special ceremony to ward off evil.

They were all happy with their puppies except for one boy who cried because - “My puppy is coyote ugly.”

Besides, how often do you hear a toddler ask, “How did I get stuck with this bitch?”

According to the Daily News of Pakistan, “neighbors and relatives of the four children danced to music performed by the band before the marriages were solemnized with puppies of the opposite sex.”

What song do you play for something like this? “Who let the dogs out?”

“I need to ward off evil. How much is that puppy in the window?”

Reports are showing that a chemical found in rocket fuel is being detected in breast milk.

Yes, it is being found in quantities that are not considered safe.

Evidently, they had always suspected something was wrong.

"Sweetheart, do you have to go potty?"
"Yes, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. ooops. Blasting off!"

Of course there were other hints as well.

"Is everything coming out okay?"
"Uh, Houston, we have a problem."

This is wild. We have a chemical from rocket fuel in a mother’s breast milk!!

Authorities are stressing that this doesn’t mean that a mother should automatically turn to baby formula. Yep, that’s right. Baby formula normally has too much diesel!

Wild, huh? Hopefully we can get those rocket fuel chemicals down to a healthy level. Man, you never know what can get you sick.

Careful out there. There is a new cell phone virus going around.

If you have a phone with BlueTooth wireless technology, you can get it if you walk within 100 feet of an infected phone. Basically, the virus puts weird messages on your screen.

Be careful, if you get the virus twice, you end up with pictures of Paris Hilton.

Authorities are worried. They’re concerned that the virus might mutate and affect the population of IPODS!

Well, why isn’t congress doing something? We need Nationalized Phone Healthcare!

**

Folks, I have a special request. My time schedule doesn't allow for to much web surfing. So- it's IMAO reader involvement time. If you read a newsblurb out there that might interest people - pass it on to me. It doesn't have to be funny to be newsworthy. Anything can be made funny. If you're a blogger, make sure you include your blog address for proper linkage.

You can reach me at rightwingduckatyahoocom. Include the word "Roundup" in the subject line.

As always, please post your favorite joke in comments. I'll try to tone it down, hopefully with other news stories I can get away from being too political.

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News Round-Up
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