Hello, Aquafans.

I've spent more time reading these things you call "blogs." One of the more popular ones is something called "Little Green Footballs" written by the so-called "Charles Johnson." All he seems to do is excerpt other written pieces and maybe put a few things in bold. Any fool could do that! Look:

Animal rights activists are disgusted by a new candy from Kraft Foods Inc. (KFT) that's shaped like critters run over by cars — complete with tire treads.

The fruity-flavored Trolli Road Kill Gummi Candy — in shapes of partly flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels — fosters cruelty toward animals, according to the New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

"It sends the wrong message to children, that it's OK to harm animals. And that's the wrong message, especially from a so-called wholesome corporation like Kraft," said society spokesman Matthew Stanton.

The society is considering petition drives, boycotts and letter-writing campaigns to get the candy pulled from the market, Stanton said.

After receiving a complaint from the NJSPCA Wednesday, Kraft officials pulled an animated advertisement from Trolli's Web site that featured car headlights and animals. No other decisions on changes have been made, said Kraft spokesman Larry Baumann.

Child's play! If the master of the seas is to blog, his goals should be loftier.

Then I saw this story on the CNN news site. Many progressives are hopeful that Howard Dean will stay true to liberal causes and not be drawn in by the dark, welcoming caress of centrism.

But how do we know what Dean really feels when the cameras aren't on him? What is his true agenda? Some would say we just can't ever know for sure, but I say that this looks like a job for...

AQUAMAN!!!

(I don't actually wear the "Nuke the Moon" shirt in public; that's just a publicity shot Frank J. made me do)

Now, as you all know, I can breathe underwater and talk to fish. Since Howard Dean is rarely underwater and not a fish, you might think there is nothing I could do in this situation.

And you'd be a fool!

Howard Dean found a surprise package on his doorstep containing two tropical fish and a note saying, "A gift from one of your many dirty, hippy admirers. These fish fare best when placed in a room where you reveal your true self." He had no idea where this package came from either (except for the postmark from Atlantis - forgot about that).

These were no ordinary fish, though. They were rigged with special underwater communicators so they could report back what they saw to me (I can talk to fish).

That night, I sat down with my radio equipment and queried them. "Where is this one called Howard Dean?"

"He's coming in the room."

"Is he still looking liberal? Is he spouting about the redistribution of wealth?"

"No... just walking."

"We'll soon see him as he actually is," I said smugly.

Then came the panic.

"He's screaming!" yelled one of the fish, "He stubbed his toe on an ottoman and he's freaking out! He screaming and punching the wall and smashing everything! Now he's coming towards us and... AHHHHH!!!"

And then static.

"Pinky! Mr. Taters! Nooooooo!!!"

Yes, my efforts ended in tragedy. Still, know that Pinky and Mr. Taters did not die in vain, for the sinister mechanism of politics will be continually watched over by the protective eye of...

AQUAMAN!

This is Aquaman, signing off.

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Aqua-Adventures
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