When Howard Dean got appointed chairman of the DNC, my first thought was, "Those fools! Frank J. would've made a MUCH better chair than Howard Dean."

I can see you folks are skeptical.

But consider the following facts (in the extended entry):

* Dean was merely the Governor of a small, Northeastern state. Frank J. is Lord and Master of His Own World.

* Dean has no plan for dealing with the monkey menace.

* Dean is a dull-witted fop who only blogs while sober and NEVER double-posts.

* Frank doesn't strangle kittens, although he does pee on them.

* Frank is funny on purpose.

* Unlike Dean, Frank has never woken up in a Tijuana whorehouse to find that his pants have been stolen.

* Except for that one time, but he was REALLY drunk.

* Although not drunk enough to double-post about it.

* Frank lives in Florida, which, in terms of square mileage, is a much larger phallic symbol than Vermont.

* Dean was knocked out of the Democratic primaries because of one little soundbite, but if you strike Frank J. down, he will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

* Howard Dean's childish antics and petty hate-mongering will destroy what little credibility the Democratic Party has left. If Frank were in charge, he'd lead them into a bright new era of power and respectability, before slaughtering them all in a "Kill Bill"-style, katana-wielding orgy of blood and mayhem.

* And I *really* want to see Frank use the "Five point palm exploding heart technique" on Ted Kennedy.

* The mighty readership over which Frank holds sway is thoughtful, witty, well-educated and classy, whereas in Dean's home state of Vermont, the phrase "mildly retarded" is considered flattery.

* Frank J. uses the Bible's words to enlighten his readers and make them better people. When Howard Dean takes a page from the Bible, it's because he ran out of toilet paper.

* Most importantly, Frank J. is a loving, devoted, family-oriented kind of guy, who would insist on taking SarahK everywhere he goes. The advantage here being that if Frank is giving a boring speech, you can just stare at SarahK's rack while indulging yourself in Reddi-Wip-laced fantasies about...

[enter SarahK]

*TEXAS GROIN KICK!*

[exit SarahK]

...ow...

Everybody just ignore that final reason I gave.

I'm going to go lay down for a while.

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