(A Filthy Lie)

So I was watching the Playboy channel the other night - and before you say anything, I only watch it for the commercials - I saw this one commercial for a new rehab clinic that Glenn Reynolds is opening up in Memphis. The transcript is in the extended entry...

[fade in from black to Glenn Reynolds, standing in the lobby of his clinic]

GLENN: Hi folks. I'm Glenn Reynolds. Most of you know me as the evil, puppy-blending, hobo-killing, dark overlord of the blogosphere... who will eventually crush you all like bugs and murder you in your sleep! DIE! DIE! DIE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*ahem*... But I'm also a lawyer, and I know how easy it is to get burnt out by the day-to-day grind when you're working in the legal profession.

Tell me, my fellow lawyers, has this ever happened to you?

[cut to interior shot of a courtroom where a tired, disheveled, lawyerish-looking man is speaking to a jury]

LAWYER: Although my client WAS discovered at the scene of the crime clutching a bloody knife and carving the words, "I MURDERED THIS MAN" into the victim's chest, I assure you that it was self-defense. After all, the so-called "victim" had just tipped over the bowl containing my client's pet clownfish, Nemo - his adored and beloved animal companion of nearly three hours. Would you expect my client to stand idly by as his loved one flopped his way to an airy grave? Certainly the circumstances must make this crime understandable... perhaps even forgivable. For who here among us wouldn't... uh... wait a minute... ya know, I just realized that I get paid no matter WHAT the verdict is...

Screw it. He's guilty. Hang him. I'm going to Hooters...

[cut back to Reynolds, shaking his head sadly]

GLENN: The sudden loss of desire to deceive a jury into putting a killer back on the street... A tragic - yet all too common - occurance in my profession.

But it doesn't HAVE to be this way...

[cue cheery, hopeful-sounding piano music]

Here at the Glenn Reynolds Attorney Stress Syndrome Rehab Clinic, we turn the tragic into magic. Best of all, there's no cumbersome 12-step program. We've pared it down to 4:

1) Admit that your ASS (Attorney Stress Syndrome) is killing you.

2) Understand that you have to make your own decision to change. No one can kick your ASS for you.

3) Ask Satan to grab your ASS as you murder a hobo in his dark name.

4) That's it! You're free! Kiss your ASS goodbye!

New ASS Elimination Seminars are starting every day. So if you think your ASS is nasty, you should see our ASSES.

So don't delay. Call 1-800-ASS-GONE right now.

Remember, the best way to lose your ASS is to ask Glenn Reynolds for help.

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Filthy Lies
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