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I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

USA Today reports that most small cars miserably fail side impact crash tests.

Let me make sure I understand this experiment. You ram this big vehicle into the side of a small vehicle – and then you’re shocked that it sustained so much damage?

In other news, Consumer Reports details which cars can’t handle being hurled off a bridge.

The only car that passed the test was the Mini-Cooper which bounced off a passing turtle and skipped to shore.

I also just discovered that my Hanes t-shirts aren’t bullet proof!! Curse you Michael Jordan!!

What is up with that?

I assume that if you buy a small car, you’re aware of the fact that it might not be as safe as a big car? I personally enjoy driving my Hyundai Death Casket GT.

The reporter that authored the article, The 52 Funniest Things About the Upcoming Death of the Pope. recently chose to step down from his job. He decided not to take a two week unpaid suspension.

He is now working on his next article: 50 fun things to do while unemployed.

Along with: Fun ways to spend an unemployment check.

In fact, he might even try branching out into other types of writing – such as:
Creative recipes with Macaroni and Cheese.

You know who’s had it equally tough lately? Mel Gibson.

Mel just had a guy put in jail for stalking. Remember, there's a big difference between praying and preying!

Anyway, Mel bought an Island near Fiji for $15 million dollars. But now that faces a lawsuit too.

Some native islanders are suing saying that their families got thrown off the island a long time ago.

Which episode of survivor was that? Was that the one with the naked guy? Or was that the one with Elisabeth?

In fact, this forced removal from the island so upset these people that they are now suing - 100 years later!!!

A bit of sad news, really. Dan Rather is going to be retiring very soon.

At first, Dan resisted the idea of leaving. However, he’s been more excited about his retirement ever since CBS made some changes to the set. Yep, nothing motivates retirement faster than a trap door.

Dan: “I’m Dan Rather, and this is the neeeeeeeeeeeews! Yagh. Ow. Crocodiles!!Call the media.”

Dan’s replacement sits down. “I’m the new reporter saying, - There’s nothing to see here folk. Nothing at all. These are not the droids you’re looking for.”

In South Florida, voters today will consider whether or not to allow Slot machines.

This is different from the way they normally gamble- forgoing homeowners insurance.

Which is different from the way they normally gamble- online Viagra.

Which is different from the way they normally gamble- electronic voting.

The Italian Reporter for a communist newspaper is still saying she was targeted.

Well, what is she complaining about? She’s communist and we treated everyone on that checkpoint equally. To hold our fire would have been to give them preferential treatment. Sigh.

The White House continues to deny that US troops are singling out journalists.

In a completely unrelated newsbit, today the Pentagon announced its new weapons system. The JTS-15 – the Journalist Targeting System.

The job market is doing great. Last month, the economy added a quarter million new workers - or as Ward Churchill would call them - little Eichmanns.

Martha Stewart is back on the job. She said, "Work is great. It's where you find the people, the trends, and the latest stock tips."

She was not wearing the electronic monitoring ankle bracelet. In a nod to her power, she is allowed to delegate that task.

The Michael Jackson trial is still moving along.

You know what I noticed today? Michael was wearing glasses!!

At first I thought, now home come a rich guy like that hasn't had eye surgery - then i realized - oh, this is Michael. He likes to keep thing real.

He probably likes them because they make him look smarter. That's probably how he got into this mess in the first place.

Advisor: MJ, do you think it's wise to have all these boys sleeping in your bed?
MJ: I know how you feel. Let me put on my glasses. See?
Advisor: I guess you're smart enough to know what's best. Get some rest so we can work on your new album- The Best of the Greatest Hits.
MJ: Yeah, those K-Tel people are gonna love it!

Today, we heard that the victims family called MJ 'Daddy Michael' and looked at him as a father figure.

I'm sorry folks, but this is sad. Who the HELL looks at Michael Jackson and sees a father figure? Stick Figure - maybe.

His OWN KIDS don't see him as a father figure and they're HIS- he paid good money for them!!

Has the whole world gone crazy?

In an odd twist, it is being reported that rock singer, Bono might lead the world bank

Why? Because of all his experience pleading for rich nations to forgive third world debt.

Excellent reason.

That, and they know he would stand up to the world’s greediest force: TicketMaster

If you hire a singer for that position, why Bono? Why not Dylan?

That would be perfect.

At a press conference...

"I sez Uh monuh brokuh. Izzu all terr-el"

Public Radio Reporter: No, he said. “I like books. Let’s all share.”

So they are seriously looking at Bono but also willing to entertain other non-singers. It is also rumored that they might even consider somebody with actual banking experience.

They’re looking. But they still haven’t found what they’re looking for.

But they stiiiiiiiiiil. Haven’t fouuuuuuuuund. What they’re looking foooooooor.

Hmm. On second thought, having Bono as World Bank Prez could be fun.

Of course, it would mark the first time that the Annual statement would be edited for the F word, but it's a small trade off.

Word has it that Al Gore won’t run in 2008. 2008? I think he should start running right now. And while we’re at it – throw in some push ups and sit ups.

Or he could keep working on his tan and apply for a better position: Star Jones impersonator.

Remember this one?

Star Jones may sue PETA for using a drag queen look alike.

Please recall, viewers were tortured by Star Jones' on air planning of every last detail of her wedding. She received a ton of free wedding stuff for plugging all these companies on TV.

I can just see her next move on this PETA thing...

Star: I can’t believe they’re gonna make advertising with somebody who looks just like me.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck: You mean Smokey the Bear?
Star: No, you dummy! I mean PETA and that cross dresser! I’m gonna sue their butts.(into the camera) And when I sue somebody, I like to use the people and Johnson, Bernstein, and Allen, who conduct themselves professionally. JB&A – they care.
Barbara Walters: Did you just work in another plug? Didn’t we talk about this?
Star: What’s the big deal? It’s just a little plug for free services.
Elizabeth: Okay, I guess that wraps up today’s episode. And remember, only you can prevent forest fires.
Star: Oh,no you didn’t. Let me at that skinny little thing. Let’s see if she can survive this!!!
(Cut to commercial as all hell breaks loose.)

Do you think Hillary is starting to position herself for a Presidential run in 2008? Who knows. But lately, she’s been trying to positiong herself to the right of George Bush.

Lately, she went and stumped for the protection of Israel.

I’m waiting for her to come out against socializing our health care system.

Today, she gave a speech, “The importance of faithfulness in marriage.”

Did you hear about this?

Former Presidents Clinton and Bush shared a flight from the tsunami and Clinton gave the elder Bush the only bed. When they checked on Bill he was spread out on the floor - and there was no flight attendant next to him or anything!

Hurray for Bill. What a sweet thing to do. That's why we look upon him as a father figure.

I guess that's why he's always asking, "Who's your daddy?"

**

Thank you for visiting.

Do you have an interesting news piece to share? If so, email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom with the words roundup in the subject line. Be sure to note if you have a blog.

As always, I can't hear you laugh, so if any joke tickled your funny bone - please post it comments.

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