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March 08, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Bono
For reasons that give new meaning to the word "inexplicable", U2 front man Bono is having his name kicked around as possibly being the next president of the World Bank. I guess it's not completely insane, though, since nothing says "fiscal responsibility" like wrap-around shades and beard stubble. However, before handing this man the keys to the kingdom of international graft, bribery, and kickbacks, it would be helpful to know a little more about him. So, with a little help from my friend, "making stuff up as I go along", I present (in the extended entry) these: As a child growing up in Dublin, Bono practiced his vocal technique by singing with his mouth full of marbles, which allowed him to perfect his trademark incoherant mumble. Bono was originally named Paul Davis Hewson, but changed his name to Bono Vox - an Irish phrase meaning "nose like a tent stake". Bono currently sings for the band "U2". They were going to name it "V2" after the famous rocket from WWII, but decided it would be silly, since no one associates the Irish with violent destruction. Most people think that Bono's song "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" was about the shooting of Irish civilians in the streets of Derry in 1972, but it was actually based on Bono's response to being mistakenly given a banana split at a British ice cream parlor. Sorry, "parlour". Bono originally played guitar for U2, but switched to vocals after it was discovered that his voice sounded somewhat less like a cat that's just peed on an electric fence than his guitar playing did. Bono's dynamic stage presence has frequently been compared to that of both Al Gore and William Hung. Sometimes favorably. Bono is descended from Irish royalty and counts among his ancestors King Patrick the First, and Lucky the Leprechaun. U2 often interrupts their concerts to deliver political messages to their audiences, much like the Dixie Chicks, except that U2 only has four boobs on stage instead of six. Bono was recently nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for advocating that rich countries write off the debt of third world nations. Personally, I say that if poor countries are dumb enough to put a billion dollars on the Eagles, they should be forced to pay every last dime. If chosen to head the World Bank, Bono will make debt repayment easier for developing nations by declaring tse-tse flies to be legal tender. Bono once spent some time working with Greenpeace, an ecoterrorist organization so inept that they were once beaten up by France. Bono wears sunglasses whenever he goes out in public to protect innocent bystanders from the laser beams that shoot uncontrollably out of his eyes. He also has near-supernatural healing abilities, and an Adamantium skeleton. Although Bono was once bitten by a radioactive spider, it had no effect on him, since he's not a nancy-boy like that Peter Parker pansy. If there's anything YOU know about Bono that I don't know, go ahead & spout off in the comments. 28 Responses To "Totally True Tidbits About Bono"
I had heard that Bono is Dyslexic and really respected Daniel Boone. As a result, he changed his name to Boon without the "e" but wrote on the form "Bono" instead. As a result, he was stuck with Bono instead of Boon. Oh, and his teeth are really carrots. #1 - Posted by: Junglejake on March 8, 2005 02:50 PMBono and Robert (don't call me Freddy anymore) Englund are really the same person. #2 - Posted by: Good 'Ol Boy on March 8, 2005 02:58 PMBono's father used to be married to RWD, I mean Cher. #4 - Posted by: spacemonkey on March 8, 2005 03:07 PM"...since no one associates the Irish with violent destruction." Priceless! #5 - Posted by: Fraser on March 8, 2005 03:23 PM"...since no one associates the Irish with violent destruction." Ok, so not V2, but U2 is a famous spy plane. Are the Irish voyeurs? #6 - Posted by: guttrhead on March 8, 2005 03:31 PMU2 often interrupts their concerts to deliver political messages to their audiences, much like the Dixie Chicks, except that U2 only has four boobs on stage instead of six. AAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I can't say for sure that's it's true but I've heard Bono is the lovechild of Regis Philbin and Camilla Parker-Bowles. It certainly explains a lot. #8 - Posted by: bullwinkle on March 8, 2005 03:52 PMBono once spent some time working with Greenpeace, an ecoterrorist organization so inept that they were once beaten up by France. Not surprisingly, this is one of the few French military victories throughout history. #9 - Posted by: Steve L. on March 8, 2005 03:59 PMHey Hey Hey!! Bono has canceled entire shows because his green room was not supplied with an adequate number of frosty Shamrock Shakes. #10 - Posted by: Fatwa Albert on March 8, 2005 03:59 PMI advocate that Americans who vote Republican should be able to write off any debt from taxes. Americans who vote Democrat like to pay more anyway. Can I be nominated for a Nobel now? #12 - Posted by: HeatherF on March 8, 2005 04:19 PMWOW! I just discovered something really interesting about Bono! Apparently he's been working for the RNC far, far undercover. He is a trained republican operative who has infiltrated the highest ranks of the liberal elite. You may be thinking to yourself, well what good does that do? He's turning a whole generation into ecoterrorists! What possible good could Bono do the Republican party? I have two words for you: Howard Dean. Yep, you read right, it was Bono who got Dean elected to the chair. It was Bono who got Kerry to run. It was Bono who chose Ken Starr to work with the Clintons. It was Bono who suggested to Hillary she run in 2008. It was Bono who slipped a little LSD into Dean's coffee to get him to scream a little louder and more high pitched than was usual. Yes, Bono is our friend. Now he's about to be appointed the prez of the World Bank, and he will at that point display his true colors. Then he will freeze all terrorist accounts (such as Chirac and Annan's), give their money to nullify the US's trade debt, and then take the rest of the money and buy the world in the name of America and the Republican party. Long live Bono! #13 - Posted by: Junglejake on March 8, 2005 06:09 PMThis is the worst site I have every came across in my life, absolutely pathetic you wretched tools. #14 - Posted by: Jeremy on March 8, 2005 07:13 PMWe love you too, Jeremy. #15 - Posted by: Ann on March 8, 2005 07:22 PMJeremy - That's the best post I have every read. #16 - Posted by: HeatherF on March 8, 2005 08:36 PMWOW! I just discovered something really interesting about Bono! Apparently he's been working for the RNC far, far undercover. He is a trained republican operative who has infiltrated the highest ranks of the liberal elite. You may be thinking to yourself, well what good does that do? He's turning a whole generation into ecoterrorists! What possible good could Bono do the Republican party? I have two words for you: Howard Dean. Yep, you read right, it was Bono who got Dean elected to the chair. It was Bono who got Kerry to run. It was Bono who chose Ken Starr to work with the Clintons. It was Bono who suggested to Hillary she run in 2008. It was Bono who slipped a little LSD into Dean's coffee to get him to scream a little louder and more high pitched than was usual. Yes, Bono is our friend. Now he's about to be appointed the prez of the World Bank, and he will at that point display his true colors. Then he will freeze all terrorist accounts (such as Chirac and Annan's), give their money to nullify the US's trade debt, and then take the rest of the money and buy the world in the name of America and the Republican party. Long live Bono! OK, who let Jeremy stay up past his bed time/ forgot to give him his meds? Also, JoshG, hilarious! #18 - Posted by: Leuthen on March 8, 2005 09:53 PMAlways funny Harvey, but... 1)I thought the Adamantium was a secondary procedure since wolverine already had the super healing abilities? 2)Don’t diss Spiderman. One last tidbit about Bono. He stole my good name, for which I vow eternal vengeance! #20 - Posted by: John Bono on March 9, 2005 12:14 AMTyler - truth be told, I could barely stay awake through X-Men 2, and those were the only things I could remember about Wolverine, so you're probably right. Also, I hereby apologize to Spiderman for my dissifyin' of him :-) #21 - Posted by: Harvey on March 9, 2005 08:23 AMHey guttrhead, not the Irish. Scotsman do (a la Groundskeeper Willie) #22 - Posted by: Undercover Hippie on March 9, 2005 12:37 PMI can't believe that a site like this actually exists... I'm sure you guys love your "reagan revolution" t-shirts hmm? Do any of you actually have any idea what the moron accomplished in office? I didn't think so #23 - Posted by: jeremy on March 9, 2005 03:39 PMJeremy IS Bono! only he sucks as Jeremy! #24 - Posted by: Pam on March 9, 2005 04:22 PMNah, Jeremy was by Pearl Jam, not U2, so we get to call this guy Eddie Vedder from now on ;) And yes, we're aware of what Reagan did in office. There's about two things I care about in his record - he killed the USSR, and he cut taxes. He wasn't a perfect President, I know - I hate deficit financing as much as the next guy - but he was a whole fucking lot better than anyone else for a long time before or since(JFK is probably the most recent one I'd put close to being on par with him, and maybe Teddy Roosevelt before him). So yeah, I'll wear a "Viva la Reagan Revolucion!" shirt - I just ordered one the other day, actually, now that ThoseShirts ships up here to Canada. And quite seriously, blog comments arewn't the best place for a debate(too fast-moving), but if you're going to try, come up with some actual arguments instead of just a loud whine. I know that arguments do exist to support your beliefs(hell, on social issues I'll probably be making them along with you), And as for the original post, I like the irony - Sunday Bloody Sunday came up on Winamp just as I was reading that comment. Yes, that means I like U2's music and think that the William Hung comments are rediculous, though I do like the comparison with the Dixie Chicks ;) #25 - Posted by: Alsadius on March 9, 2005 06:56 PMOh yeah, and the most important thing to say here is that this is a *comedy* site, first and foremost. If a statement here is insanely offensive to your moral sensibilities, then it probably just means that you don't get it, not that we're horrible human beings(we are, mind you, but not for that reason). #26 - Posted by: Alsadius on March 9, 2005 06:59 PMBono was born female, but received a sex change in 1980. His birth name was "Bonette." #27 - Posted by: Nate Strand on March 13, 2005 03:40 PMwell, he's richer and more powerful than any of you will ever be. it must be tough to be so jealous! #28 - Posted by: on March 15, 2005 03:12 PMPost a comment
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