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I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

Michael Schiavo rejected it.

Of course, I don't blame the guys. He has a much better offer. He has 1.6 million dollars plus a wife to be named later.

Sorry, that was harsh. She's been named. She's just waiting for a slot in the rotation.

That businessman didn't do anybody any favors. That offer only makes Mr. Schiavo look good. "Look at me, I'm not about the money."

Of course it's a bad deal all around. If he accepted the million bucks Michael would have to turn around and buy Terry's silence.

BTW, a better proposition: Offer him the money for allowing 90 days of rehab for Terry. Think it through.

Jose Canseco is going up before Congress to give testimony on the use of Steroids in baseball. He's also going there to plug his new book, "Getting rich and famous with steroids (foreword by Arnold Schwarzenegger).

He's asking for immunity and some clean needles.

He doesn't want a lot of immunity - just 65 cc's.

Ball players are getting nervous over this whole issue. I say just embrace steroids. It's the perfect solution.

The pharma companies can sponsor new stadium construction.
The tax payers don' have to pay for it.
And if the stadium is built on the wrong spot - the ball players can get together and PUSH!

Hmmm. Maybe those home run records should have an asterisk after all.

Barry Bonds. 670- Home runs*
*Obnoxious jerk, didn'tknow what 'cheating' meant - or 'courtesy'.

Jose Canseco - 400 homeruns *
* Split the big payday with ex-wife and lawyers

Jason Giambi, 500 homers*
*Moved to New York and completely deserved it.

Paul Newman says he'll be retiring after his next movie.

He did a lot of great movies early on - but lately - well, his last movie was very well received - what was it - Dealing with Chlamydia?

I'll look it up.

Personally, I hate it when people use the announcement of retirement to get even more publicity.

In other news, George Bush announced he'll be stepping down after he finishes out his current term.

Folgers announced that it will be raising the price of coffee.
They're making more changes. Their old tag line said, "Good to the last drop."

The new tag line will read, "Go ahead, lick the bottom - it's too expensive to waste."

Analysts link the price increase to various factors including supply, demand, and greed.

A small typo caused a bit of an international stir.

A web site showed that the US carried out a Nuclear test in Sudan. Turned out it was a misspelled word. The Sudanese were relieved to hear this.

Because you know, it's always good to know that you DIDN'T just happen to miss a nuclear explosion go off in your tiny little country.

Hmm.
Iraq. Iran.
Hmm. Ira-q. Ira-n.

Oh Crap!!

Toys R' Us is said to be leaving the toy business.

They may split off the toy division and just sell baby clothes.

Their new name will be R' Us.

Then they'll split off again and just be R'.

Where they will focus exclusively on clothing for baby pirates.

A restaurant owner in the Netherlands fought off a would be robber by hurling French Fries at the guy.
It's made headlines worldwide. It should. It's the first time something French repelled anything.

Funny, what happened is a 16 year old kid tried to rob a restaurant and the owner grabbed the basket out of the fryer and tossed them at the kid.

Cool. Now, when that happens, you really have to chase after the robber screaming, "Hey You want Ketchup with That?"

It's ironic. Normally, 16 year old boys are referred to as "Pizza face."

The Jackson trial is moving along.

You can tell Michael Jackson is taking this seriously. It's been ages since he's walked into the courhouse without a boy date. Or Liz Taylor.

His accuser has been cross examined and admitted that he has lied in the past. That was a shocker. I'm still waiting for the ultimate shocker - That MJ and Latoya are indeed the same person!!

There is some speculation that Michael might be broke.

There might be some truth to that. Instead of using his normal plastic surgeon he’s applied as a contestant for the next installment of The Swan.

Money’s so tight, he cancelled his subscription to Barely Legal.

He's been forced to start a new subscription - to Barely Solvent.

He's so broke, he's started inviting kids to visit Neverland – at 20% off!!

The good news: If you're interested, he's offering SUV dancing lessons. Cheap.

Michael was scolded by the judge for lewd behavior. Turned out he was just trying to get that last drop of coffee. Prices went up you know.

What is it with these performers from the 80's?

Boy George is throwing out the insults at Elton John.

George ssaid that Elton John has no sense of humor.

Some speculate that George is just trying to generate publicity for himself.
Personally, I find that silly.

BTW, George will be performing at the El Toro Motel’s Pacific Room. He’ll be opening for Mr. Zubzub and His Amazing Puppets. $10 Cover charge. Bring the family.

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