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March 13, 2005
The Official United Nations Guide to Fighting Terrorism
Ever since the first bomb was invented 5000 years ago in Egypt by Alfred Nobel, bad people have used them to blow up innocent civilians. Mainly in Israel. However, for the first time since then, the UN has vowed to take concrete action to put a stop to these heinous acts. Secretary General Kofi Annan has promised to think about talking about maybe writing down - ON ACTUAL PAPER, mind you - a treaty which, if adopted, would make murdering people even MORE illegal than it already is. But until that happy day when all nations stand united in saying "NO! NO!" (instead of merely "NO!", which hasn't yet worked, although it certainly MIGHT, if given enough time), the UN has promulgated some stopgap measures that can be implemented immediately. So, in the interest of public safety, I offer you (in the extended entry) this: ATTENTION: UN Secretary General Kofi Annan recommends that you take the following measures if you are confronted by a terrorist situation: * Hit the terrorist on the nose with a rolled up newspaper while saying "No! Bad!" in a stern voice. * Stop. Drop. Roll. * Surrender (France only) * Duck and cover. * Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight. * Slip into "bullet time" to dodge the explosion. * Call his mother - terrorists fear parental disapproval above all else. * Switch your sword into your right hand while explaining to the terrorist that you are NOT left-handed. * Pay the ransom (Italy only). * Get a lap d...[notices dirty looks from IMAO readers]... Nevermind. * Flee to the Neverland Ranch * Hey, it's safe. Michael's in court today. * Tune in. Turn on. Drop out. * See Spot run. Run, Spot, run. Run, run, run! * Maybe Spot knows something you don't. * Scowl. * Wish REALLY, REALLY hard that this wasn't happening. * Set a spell. Take your shoes off. Ya'll come back, now, hear? * Quick! Dial 9-1-... [KABOOM!] * Try distracting the terrorist by throwing a tennis ball. * Hey - works on my dog. * Have Calgon take you away. * Clear your throat while tapping your foot impatiently. * Yell for help - Hey Culligan Man! * Try understanding the root causes of the terrorist's anger. * This should buy you enough time to make out your will. * Fire up your computer, play solitaire, and await the end. Just like at work. * If none of the above steps prove effective, have the US Marines come in and save your worthless ass while you denounce their unilateral interventionism. World citizens are encouraged to leave additional brilliant plans in the comments. 29 Responses To "The Official United Nations Guide to Fighting Terrorism"
First I think... #1 - Posted by: Ard Ri on March 13, 2005 10:17 PMYes, I was finally first! I think the tapping your foot impatiently thing works. Also, tell the terrorists that they can't have dessert tonight if they blow up themselves and others. #2 - Posted by: Ard Ri on March 13, 2005 10:19 PMi think that's the closest i've come to being first. oh how i despise you Ard Ri! #3 - Posted by: ar46and2 on March 13, 2005 10:24 PMI LOVE YOU, HARVEY - YOU FUNNY!!! :) (Do a little dance, make a little love... my fav) #4 - Posted by: Les on March 13, 2005 10:49 PMSad. All this brilliant writing sacrificed on the pagan altar of the weekend readership trough. #5 - Posted by: spacemonkey on March 13, 2005 10:57 PM*proud member of the weekend readership trough* what's all this talk about my altar? #6 - Posted by: ar46and2 on March 13, 2005 10:59 PM* Fold along dotted lines. Insert tab 'A' into slot 'B'. #7 - Posted by: Bryan on March 13, 2005 11:02 PMI just put my hands in front of me, moan "I MO THEP" with the rest of the zombies, and slip away once they've passed. #8 - Posted by: Laurence Simon on March 13, 2005 11:12 PMSwitch your sword into your right hand while explaining to the terrorist that you are NOT left-handed. You win for that one. #9 - Posted by: Ann on March 14, 2005 12:17 AMI've found that allowing them to use a PC with Windows installed is a good enough distraction. They forget about me and start issuing Fatwas against Bill Gates. Works every time. #10 - Posted by: Mitsurugi on March 14, 2005 12:17 AM*Get the biggest pop acts of the 1980s to come back and do an encore of, "We are the World" *Cumbayah *Look busy by driving around in a big white Land Rover. Then blame the US for not stopping the terrorists. #11 - Posted by: realpolitiklr on March 14, 2005 01:07 AM...There is only ONE solution to terrorism... GWAR!!!
Whoa Harvey, I didn't knew Al Nobel had invented the time machine too. That explains a lot of things. Curses to you, Alfred Nobel!!! #13 - Posted by: ky on March 14, 2005 04:54 AMif the UN is put in charge of defining what crimes actually are, and HOW illegal they are, (as if there a degrees of illegality) as well as what terrorism actually is, then there is only on thing that people can really do. Stick your head between your legs and kiss your arse good bye. #14 - Posted by: puschmj on March 14, 2005 06:25 AManother thing? is frank the only one who can post while being intoxicated? #15 - Posted by: puschmj on March 14, 2005 06:26 AMPuschmj - no, but he's the only one who can DOUBLE-post while being intoxicated. #16 - Posted by: Harvey on March 14, 2005 08:03 AMgood to know...i'll make sure i only push the ol' post button once then. #17 - Posted by: puschmj on March 14, 2005 08:25 AMImagine a blog that was filled with only drunk-posting... #18 - Posted by: Andy on March 14, 2005 08:39 AMIf Anheiser-Busch had one, thats what it'd be. #19 - Posted by: puschmj on March 14, 2005 08:40 AMHarvey, * declare you're neutral (only Swiss) #21 - Posted by: otom on March 14, 2005 10:20 AM* declare you're neutral (only Swiss) #22 - Posted by: otom on March 14, 2005 10:21 AMSwitch your sword into your right hand while explaining to the terrorist that you are NOT left-handed. "I am not left-handed either." #24 - Posted by: Army NCO Guy on March 14, 2005 11:38 AMHeh, "promulgated" -M #25 - Posted by: Matt on March 14, 2005 03:09 PMArmy NCO Guy: Try asking him to face you as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone. You put down your newspaper, he puts down his gun, and you try and kill each other like civilized people. #26 - Posted by: hail to the chief on March 14, 2005 03:55 PMI once saw a liberal remedy that might actually work on Islamofascists. It was on Saturday Night Live, in a "Go-Lords" segment, that is, it was dolls posing as superhero-Johnny-Quest types. Army NCO Guy: Hail to the Chief has a point. You know, the terrorist could have killed you already. #28 - Posted by: Greg J. on March 14, 2005 04:31 PMRemeber, before you kill a terrorist, say "I want the Towers back, you son of a bitch!" #29 - Posted by: hail to the chief on March 15, 2005 08:51 PMPost a comment
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