(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I'm not the sort of person to gloat at the misfortune of others...

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Sorry, my b***s*** detector just went off.

Anyway, Dan Rather's out of a job, and I'm sitting here grinning smugly... well... SORTA smugly.

Truth is, I was a little disapointed by how his last show went down. He just sat there, did his newscast, said his goodbyes peacefully, and that was it.

Personally, I was hoping for something a little... less dignified... something that would better befit a man with his weasel quotient.

I've placed my list of possible scenarios in the extended entry:

* "Look! Little Green Footballs is eating his kneecaps!"

* Freeze him in carbonite and hang him on the sidebar at Powerline.

* CBS Evening News starts with a close-up of Dan Rather slumped over dead at his desk. The card next to him reads, "I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled this man".

* CBS interviews Detective Ian Competent, who reports that police are baffled.

* Tell Dan he can keep his job if can answer the question, "What is the average air speed velocity of a forged TANG memo from an Abilene Kinko's?"

* The camera crew gets to line up and punch Dan Rather in the stomach instead of making covert obscene gestures as they've done for the last 24 years.

* Rather's final words are drowned out by chants of "What's the frequency, Kenneth?"

* William Tager appears - kicks Rather repeatedly.

* Thumbtack in the anchor chair

* What can I say? I have a weakness for the classics.

* Freddy Krueger emerges from the teleprompter and says, "I've got some new for YOU, Dan... IN HELL!" before biting off Rather's head.

* Remember that scene in Highlander where they tied Connor MacLeod's hands to a board and ran him through a brutally violent gauntlet of his fellow Clansmen as they chased him out of the village? I'm thinking something like that would be OK.

* Then have Ted Koppel chop off Rather's head with a sword while shouting, "There can be only ONE!"

* While we're at the movies, do you remember what they did to the cop in "Reservoir Dogs" while "Stuck in the Middle With You" played in the background?

* Ok, one more - Christopher Walken's big scene (NSFW .wav file) in "True Romance". Picture Dan Rather as the guy on the receiving end of the lecture.

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YOU SHUT UP!

The rest of you, feel free to chime in.

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Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Precision Guided Humor Assignments
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