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March 17, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: The Irish
Top 'o the morning to ya! Today's Saint Patty's day which means its time for getting drunk, getting in fights, and breaking ceasefire agreements with the British. Now, I'm half Irish myself, and, as such, am quite a jovial, dangerous fellow. Others around you may be Irish, too. So what do you do if you encounter an Irishman? Well, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about the Irish. FUN FACTS ABOUT THE IRISH * Ireland was founded in 6,000 B.C. when one Francis O’Brien woke up with an hangover and exclaimed, "Where the fook am I?" * The ancient history of Ireland involved lots of drinking, fighting, and getting pushed around by Vikings. Guess who's still around now, though? That's right; bunch of pissers those Vikings were. * If encountering a drunken Irishman, be careful not to make any sudden arm movements. This may cause the Irishman to either hug or punch you or a combination of the two. * St. Patrick is revered by all the Irish for chasing the snakes out of Ireland, but most scholars say he didn't really exist, the Vatican says he isn't a Saint, and historian think the snakes were only imagined by the extremely drunken. * Can you imagine getting drunk off of green beer on "Mr. Patrick's Day"? Sounds stupid. * The main drink of the Irish is Guinness. It was made when a grain silo burnt down but they made beer from it anyway so as not to have to drink British beer (the Brits are a bunch of wankers!). The Irish have been burning down silos and slurping down black sludge ever since. * Some men don't like the strong taste of Guinness. They're called homosexuals. * Many Irish immigrated to America during the Potato Famine. They didn't find too many potatoes in America, but they found plenty of skulls that needed a knocking. * The Irish, unlike the Komodo dragon, are warm blooded. * When the Irish got tired of the fooking British, they started blowing up those wankers until they got independence. During their drunken celebration afterwards, they finally noticed that the north part was still held by the Limeys. We're they less drunk at the time, they might have done something about it. * Fooking Protestants. * My own grandfather, Frank J. Sr., helped blow up British in the main fight for independence. He got in one fight too many and ended up having to head for America, floating past Ellis Island in a whiskey barrel. * The Irish actually invented the car bomb, but the industrious Italians brought it to an art form. * Violence in Northern Ireland continues to this day. Irish terrorists have never quite matched the violence of Muslim terrorists, though, as booze and bombs don't mix. * In a fight between the Irish and Aquaman, the Irish would buy Aquaman a few rounds well telling him all about his ancestry in Ireland - whether he actually had any or not. After having enough drinks, the Irish when then pummel Aquaman until he was unconscious and then throw him in a bog. * Irish as a prefix means "contains alcohol" such as Irish coffee, Irish cream, and Irishman. * In Ireland, the bartender is most sacred job to hold - more revered than a priest. After that, the most prestigious job is a professional soccer player... but only if they're winning. * While no notable scientific achievements have ever happened in Ireland, most people would trade all those for a good pint of Guinness any day. 30 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: The Irish"
Some men don't like the strong taste of Guinness. They're called homosexuals BTW- First! Happy St. Patty's to everyone! #2 - Posted by: Good 'Ol Boy on March 17, 2005 10:28 AMI second the Guinness but do you have ANY idea how much food coloring it takes to make it green? :-D #3 - Posted by: tommy on March 17, 2005 10:30 AMaye, instead o' wearin' green on Patrick's day let's wear orange! for Northern Ireland and beat the shite out o' all the wankers wearin' green. Mac you Rule my friend! heres to you o' Ireland #4 - Posted by: Darcy O' Brian on March 17, 2005 10:37 AMIrish as a prefix means "contains alcohol" such as Irish coffee, Irish cream, and Irishman. Damn you Frank J, if I didn't have a whiskey in one hand and a pot of gold on the other, I'd knock the bejaysus out of you for that... #5 - Posted by: ejh on March 17, 2005 11:02 AMThat part about me and the Irish is true; never trust the Irish. #6 - Posted by: Aquaman on March 17, 2005 11:10 AMI'm part Irish, and part German. Every St. Patrick's Day, I get drunk and develop the strong urge to invade Poland. #7 - Posted by: Confederate Yankee on March 17, 2005 11:41 AMJust to be clear...St. Patrick is a saint. Saints can't be de-canonized...and St. Patrick is still on the liturgical calendar even. As for the rest of it, I'm pretty sure it's all true. Oh, but we beat the Vikings...eventually Brian Boru got tired of the way they had killed his family, so he kicked them out. #8 - Posted by: Ard Ri on March 17, 2005 11:49 AMWhat's the smartest thing to come out of Aquaman's mouth? Albert Einstien's Wanker For Fook Sake!!! #9 - Posted by: Littl Stevie on March 17, 2005 12:49 PMheyHeyHEY!! Don't get my Irish up with that "fooking Protestants" blarney! So your Irish now, eh Frank? Thats mafookinwunnerful. On a day like this, I just drink til something or someone takes the piss out of me. Mut by brother, he knows how to party. I put on something green and he goes to Dublin. Bless him #11 - Posted by: McWert Deglieb on March 17, 2005 01:06 PMI'm part Irish, and part German. Every St. Patrick's Day, I get drunk and develop the strong urge to invade Poland. My ancestors came from Poland, Ireland, and Germany (in order of prevalence in my genes). I'm able not only to invade, but to be invaded. Favorite sentence about the Irish (from Sean O'Casey's play Red Roses for Me): "We pray too much and work too little." #12 - Posted by: Silicon Valley Jim on March 17, 2005 01:27 PMThat was more fookin' foony than fookin' Poofy! It's T-shirt quality good. Happy St. Patties Day,everybody! #13 - Posted by: Moe on March 17, 2005 01:45 PMIt was a very Irish thing, hilarity, which is not to be found in places like England. For all the talk about Catholicism, for all the talk about having a miserable repressed past, there is in the Irish sould a genuine anarchic pagan thing that I have embraced. I’ve never lost sight of it. Beckett has a phrase about the Irish consciousness, where he says that when you’re in the last ditch, there’s nothing left to do but sing. In England, life closes down at midnight. In Ireland, at two in the morning, someone’s just about to start up with The Fields of Athenry. I suppose it’s madness in a sense, but I don’t like seeing it patronised. The crazy Irish thing is rubbish too, because to me it’s a valid, raw way of appreciating being on earth, being alive. See? We not all drunken violent fools (we leave that to the english). #15 - Posted by: ejh on March 17, 2005 04:08 PMSome men don't like the strong taste of Guinness. They're called homosexuals hmm i didn't know that about myself, i suppose i have to throw out all my guinness and other stout beers since my pansy wristed straight room mates only drink american lager... stereotypes are so hard to live by, i wish i had gotten the secret world order gay memo to tell me this stuff. nah i understand it's just a joke, i'm just a bit bitter from drinking all this dark beer. #16 - Posted by: tim on March 17, 2005 04:25 PMBeannachtaí na Féile Pádraig ort! And Happy St. Pats to you all. Favorite Irish Movieline in Bravehart as the the second salvo of arrows are coming in Mil Gibson's Irish friend tells him "The good Lord told me he's pretty sure he can get me out'a this one...but he's pretty certin your fooked" #18 - Posted by: Littl Stevie on March 17, 2005 05:46 PMMy grandfather said I was an Irish Homo once becasue I like women more than whiskey. #19 - Posted by: Loney on March 17, 2005 06:56 PMMy grandfather said as an Iriahman, I was a Homo once because I like women more than whiskey. Now I love them both so I am twice the Irishman! #20 - Posted by: Loney on March 17, 2005 06:58 PMNo, no, no. The best line from Braveheart is "To speak to his equal, an Irishman is forced to converse with the Almighty" #21 - Posted by: ejh on March 17, 2005 07:00 PMAn Irish Car Bomb 1 pint Guiness
Spetiam: "Who the heck is this "St. Patty?"" It's a yank thing. They don't get that it should be St. Paddy. Don't ask me why... #24 - Posted by: Kav on March 18, 2005 04:09 AMSlainte Frank! (I know that's Scottish, but its close isn't it?) Dublin is probably my favorite city in the world (next to Cape Town). There's Guiness in every pub, and a pub on every block, and the people are awesome. God bless those drunk bastards! (Travel tip: for anyone going to Dublin, check out Roli's Bistro. AWESOME food!) I love this one Frankie! I love the Irish! Just saying that word makes ya feel full of life it does...and it makes ya want ta say things like "Here's to ya Darby" and "Top a the mornin to ya"...I love the Irish! Let's celebrate St. Paddy's day again today!!! #26 - Posted by: Bikermommy on March 18, 2005 10:53 AMCorrection to the Irish Car-Bomb! 1 shot glass with 1/2 bailey's, 1/2 jameson whiskey. 1/2 pint of guinness. Instructions: --------- excuse me you innorant clonials - the diminutive of Patrick *is* Paddy, not sme whoosy singer's first name. #28 - Posted by: gman on March 19, 2005 06:41 AMBah. Not a drop of Irish blood in me, unfortunately, though I suppose I can settle for having Scottish ancestry somewhere (grandmother's maiden name is Rayburn), which is the next-best thing. #29 - Posted by: Kazmin on March 19, 2005 07:31 PMBut have you ever heard of a woman that could drink a man under a table? Neither have I, though we came quite close once. She was a big girl, of course. It was terrifying to watch her going at it. I've never seen fat roll quite like that night. #30 - Posted by: Meagan on March 19, 2005 09:52 PMPost a comment
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