The US Senate recently voted to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil exploration. Hearing this made made me so happy that I celebrated by beating up a hippy. While washing the blood off my hands, it occurred to me that I don't actually know anything about ANWR. After extensive Googling however, I still didn't know anything, so (in the extended entry) I made up these

* Environmentalist groups describe the area as "pristine", but a better decription would be "19 million acres of ice lightly sprinkled with moose poop".

* The area is called a "refuge" because it's mainly inhabited by pro-Coke polar bears who escaped there to avoid the ethnic cleansing of the Cola Wars in the 1980's.

* Environmentalists claim that drilling in ANWR would disrupt the habitat of the native caribou. However, the plan approved by the Senate specifically allows for moving the caribou onto small reservations and allowing them to open casinos.

* The biggest drawback to drilling in ANWR is that the oil rigs would leave less room for club-swinging when killing baby seals.

* The oil reserves in ANWR are estimated to be some nine billion barrels, which is more than twice that found in an order of McDonald's french fries.

* Oil was first discovered in ANWR by a man named Jed. A poor Eskimo - barely kept his family fed. And then one day he was shootin' at some food...

* ...Black gold. Arctic tea.

* Some people are concerned that local herds of caribou will be decimated. Which is nonsense, since a caribou can only be killed by driving a wooden stake through its heart.

* Being so close to the North Pole, ANWR receives only 15 minutes of daylight per year, which explains why all the caribou haven't yet crumbled to dust.

* There isn't a single paved road anywhere in ANWR. Which is actually a GOOD thing, since it keeps the sightseeing hippies in their badly-in-need-of-a-tune-up Volvos from destroying the pristine wilderness.

* Besides, Buffy the Caribou Killer drives an SUV, so she doesn't need roads.

* Most of ANWR is so remote that it is only accessible by airplane, leading to the obvious conclusion that we should soften it up with airstrikes before stealing the oil.

* Bird lovers are concerned that the proliferation of oil derricks would wind up killing Snow Geese, who might accidentally fly into them. However, this would only kill the weak and stupid, which is in accordance with God's will.

* The strong and healthy would be slaughtered for sport.

* Which is NOT God's will in the strictest sense of the word, but there's a coupon for free Snow Geese in the Bible somewhere, I'm QUITE sure of that.

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