Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

Man, there is just so much happening out there.

Sad news. A young man in Minnesota killed his family, then drove to his school and started shooting people at random.

I get upset over this for two reasons (besides the victims). One – it's always some kid who was a loner and had troubles. And two, the gun lobby works itself into a frenzy.

Why does this always seem to happen in some tiny town – why not here in Los Angeles?
Here in LA, at least the kids are packin'. That whack job would have gotten some serious return fire.

"I am the angel of Death. I am here to kill all of yo..(bam, bam bam) aaaieee. Stop, no, stop.Aah. I was just kid..."

Maybe if we get rid of guns, students can find a more humane way to knock each other off – like starvation!!

Terri Schiavo is running out of time. I'll be writing more about this later on so I'll just say this.. wouldn't it be funny if somebody tried to kill Michael Schiavo – but they missed his vital organs, but he was mostly brain dead – and his family said, "Well, we know he wouldn't want to live this way." So they pulled the plug.

Sometimes, I just hate that life isn't like a Hollywood movie.

In real life, Terri dies, Michael sues everyone, and the Left blames President Bush.

You need cheering up? Just open a paper and read what's happening at Harvard. It's all good.

A librarian is suing Harvard because of a "pretty bias." The assistant librarian has applied to become the head librarian, but to no avail.

She might have a case. Just last week, the Harvard president said that "Girls are pretty and boys are not."

She went to court and filed a lawsuit. They knew she was a true librarian when she insisted on filing using the Dewey Decimal System.

Michael Jackson was seen crying in court. He showed up with a man wearing hospital scrubs.

The Doctor told the Judge that Michael is strong enough to participate in the trial and can concentrate.

That's what make celebrities special – they always find that something extra and are able to show up for their court hearings.

The Doctors name is DR. Weiner.

Maybe this is all a big understanding.

"Your Honor - i said to Billy -Have a hard time bending over? Would you like to meet Dr. Weener."
"hmmmm. Okay, you're free to go."
"Hurray. Come on kids. let's go to my place. You guys can touch my monkey."
"BAILIFF!!..."

Did you hear that MJ may have a lien put on his property by a friend who works as a porn producer? It's a pretty big loan. We're not sure if the orginal loan was made in cash or porn magazines.

People are saying this trial has been very lurid and graphic. So far, they've covered all of the porn mags the police found when they raided Neverland.

They found stacks of the stuff everywhere: By the tub, on the sinks, on top of the TV sets. One thing they don't seem to have at Neverland – Bookshelves.

Joss Stone is replacing Sarah Jessica Parker as the spokesperson for the GAP.

How do they choose spokespeople? Do they really shop at the GAP?

I'd like to see more realistic Commercials.

"Hi, when I was poor and down on my luck, I shopped at the GAP. You should too."

or

"My maid says the GAP has the trendiest clothes. Trend-o Clothe-os! Muy Bueno!"

or

"The Gap, it's not just for old washed up has-beens."

Joss replaces the Sex and the City Star.
Gap is hoping she will be sexier – and city-er!

UN is backing a new program called Decade for Water

It is hoping to raise awareness of the value of water as a resource. The UN will spread out and educate as many as they can.

UN Soldiers in the Congo will participate by reading literature, attending lectures, and sponsoring a wet T-shirt contest.

Winner gets to keep her t-shirt on.

And food.

Did you hear abut this?

NASA will soon be testing a new water cleaner

They'll be setting it up in locations around the world in order to test it for use in outer space.

It recycles astronauts' sweat, respiration and even urine into drinking water purer than any found in a tap.

These testers will be placed in areas where clean drinking water isn't always available. I can see it– six months later, at an earthquake ravaged site.

"Dammit, this water tastes like piss!"
"Oops. Looks like the filter needs replacing. Try it now."
(Takes a long drink) "Aaah. Damn I taste good"

They could bottle it up for sale and distribution.

Commercial. A father and son sitting on a hilltop watching the sun set.

"This is good water."
"Yes, my favorite brand – I Can't Believe it's Urine!"

Bobby Fischer will be able to become a citizen of Iceland.

Ohh. So that's where Icees come from!!

Bobby is wanted for arrest in the USA because he violated an embargo by playing a chess match in Yugoslavia.

You know, for being a chess player, you think he would have thought it through.

Bobby: Hmm. If I play in Yugoslavia, I'll be a wanted man. But that's not until next week.
(one week later)
Government agent: Mr. Fischer, we'd like to talk to you.
Bobby: Uh-oh. I think it's time for the Japan defense.

In Brazil, a bunch of people saw a fireball fall from the sky. When they arrived at the scene, they would what was a badly injured alien.
Turns out it was only a rubber doll that had been set on fire and melted.

Which in retrospect, explained the alien's tattoo - Made In China.

Say, let's not jump the gun. The Chinese seem to make everything else – why couldn't it be possible there's some sort of alien factory somewhere – besides Mexico.

YOu want to hear about some big changes? France is going back to 39 hour work week

It turns out that the 35 hour week did not create jobs. Can you imagine that?

Worker: "Boss, I can't work those four extra hours. It is against our compassionate productive laws."
Manager: "Merde.I cannot improvise for 20 minutes a day. I must go out and hire someone else!!!"

Why can't people use their time productively?

Take for example this Blake juror. While serving - he actually produced six song while serving on the jury. He's now in the process of promoting it.

The rules state that he can make no more than $50 within 90 days of the trial ends. So that's good. He can sell $25 now and $25 later.

The songs are available for free at his website. Interesting stuff.

If you play it backwards, you can hear Blake begging people to kill his wife.

Turns out that the trial was excellent inspiration.

Song titles include:

You call THAT evidence,

My wife is dead and I can't find my gun

And my personal favorite...

Juror number # 3, I like you 2.

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