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March 28, 2005
Know Thy Enemy: Fleas
My proposal to SarahK was almost ruined when we found that our cats were miserable with fleas that Saturday morning. Sydney, who is usually a mute, made the loudest monkey squeak I ever heard her make when I left her alone for a moment while she dealt with the fleas (it sounded like, "EEEEEeee!!!"). Luckily, we calmed the problem down enough that we were able to have our eventful dinner, and, to help others, I sent my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about fleas. FUN FACTS ABOUT FLEAS * When fleas drink blood, they inject a toxin which causes an itchy bump since they're bastards. * Fleas love making animals miserable. When they do, they laugh like, "Eee hee hee hee!" but so high-pitched that only pets can hear it. * At least according to that talking dog I met while drinking. * In the insect family, the flea is most closely related to the trial lawyer. * While the amount of blood a flea takes per bite is minute, if a flea were the size of a horse, you'd be like, "Holy crap!" * A flea travels by hopping - same as a bunny. Neither have anything to do with Jesus's resurrection. * A flea can spread disease through its bites if the flea is an intravenous drug user. * Fleas like to attack dogs and cats because their fur gives the fleas plenty of places to hide. So, don't give anything to your pets that would keep fleas off them or the fleas will have no choice but to attack you. * If your cat makes little monkey squeaks, it's kinda cute for her to have fleas. * Once your pets have fleas, you have to clean your entire house, spray it down, and then vacuum to rid it of the infestation. Frankly, that sounds like too much work. Maybe I can negotiate some sort of detente between me and the fleas. * It used to be a common sight to see little flea circuses, but they were eventually made illegal because of how often fleas would turn on their masters... much worse than lion tamer. * If someone is trying to tame lions that have fleas, you might as well start writing his obituary now. * If surrounded by fleas, destroy them all with a flamethrower. If you don't normally carry a flamethrower, then you deserve what you get, dumbass. * A flea can be killed by starvation, but you have to prove to courts that's what it would have wanted. * Q. What does a flea yell out when it see that poisons are about to be sprayed in the area? * In a fight between fleas and Aquaman, Aquaman could defeat the fleas by jumping into water. If only he could actually defeat criminals by doing that. * Come to think of it, I could have gotten the fleas off the cats by holding them under water long enough. A lot cheaper than those pills the vet gave me. * I really like the Red Hot Chili Pepper's song "Love Rollercoaster." I forget how that's related. * The only thing left to know about fleas is that they prefer the trance variety of techno music. I'm not sure how to use that against them, but there you go. 18 Responses To "Know Thy Enemy: Fleas"
first, and the relation to Red hot chili peppers is that their drummer's name is flea. #2 - Posted by: martin_luther on March 28, 2005 01:35 PMAnd if you pinch the fleas between your fingernails it makes a real cool popping sound (just close your eyes so you don't get squirted)! #3 - Posted by: jonag on March 28, 2005 01:43 PMHaving once lived in a respite-home (think temporary foster-care) that was crawling with the little buggers, I offer this bit of advice. Small cups of water placed under a night-light seem to have great success at catching free-adults. Watch for carpet and rug infestations as the cats are a food source but not the only egg-laying ground... Blenster #4 - Posted by: Blenster on March 28, 2005 02:10 PMwoah...I was expecting something about the French to come up, seeing as they like to FLEA! #5 - Posted by: General Von Klinkerhoffen on March 28, 2005 02:19 PMYou don't have to prove to courts that fleas want to starve, as according to the courts, everyone wishes to starve in their own special way in the first place. #6 - Posted by: The Babaganoosh on March 28, 2005 03:13 PMOne of my cats (Gracie) makes little monkey squeaks. (She also has a long monkey-like tail which she wraps around my arm when she is in purr-purr-snugglemomma-happyfeet-droolyfaced mode.) But she is the main momma-snuggling cat, and I have sweet yummy AB+ blood that the flea's go for worse than they do on my pets so, nope - it ain't cute for my monkey-cat to have fleas, because I end up being the one who gets bit all over. It is hilarious to see her get baths from Lucie & Ethel (my other two kitties), those always end in fights (hey, everybody loves a cat fight!) #7 - Posted by: LokiDoki on March 28, 2005 03:49 PMHere's a flea flickin fact... It takes 345 pounds per square inch of pressure to crush the flea's exoskeleton between your fingernails or any other two hard surfaces. If you just put the sucker between your fingers and roll em around, it will only tickle him, and he will be motivated to hop 130 times his body length to get smack dab into your nostril to return the favor. And, there are 2 products other than pills, which are Advantage, and Frontline. By my experience, Frontline lasts much longer than the Advantage. Oh, and get one of those garden sprayers that attach to the end of the hose and fill the suckair with flea and tick shampoo to do the yard with. Works well, non-toxic for the most part to other critters which may trespass. Where'd the darn fleas come from anyway? Lastly, the only flea combs that work are the metal flea combs. The plastic one are intended as gifts for people you don't like. #8 - Posted by: Cincinnati_Bob on March 28, 2005 03:59 PMYou forgot one ... fleas carry bubonic plague. So if the cats start developing large purple nodules ... just burn down your house with the cats inside. #9 - Posted by: leni on March 28, 2005 04:28 PMFleas will go into an anaimal's ears if they go underwater. So in a fight between fleas and aquaman, the fleas will move into aquaman's ears as he jumps into the water. The aggrivation of the fleas in his head will cause him to punch himself in the head, get a conconsion, and die. #10 - Posted by: Craig on March 28, 2005 04:29 PM"woah...I was expecting something about the French to come up, seeing as they like to FLEA!" Isn't Flea the bass player, not the drummer in the Chili Peppers? #12 - Posted by: on March 28, 2005 05:43 PMHere's one method of dealing with the fleas that won't break the bank. Spread 20 Mule Team Borax® over all the carpets. Work it into the carpets with a stiff broom. Leave it for 24 hours. Then vacuum thoroughly. The boric acid in the borax kills the little bloodsuckers, and helps prevent a re-infestation. It's a good idea to keep the cats away from the carpets until after you've vacuumed the borax up. P.S. - the best thing to use on the cats is Revolution®. Not only does it help kill fleas, but it works on ear mites and heartworms. #13 - Posted by: aelfheld on March 28, 2005 05:46 PMIn 2 weeks, re-spray the places the cats hang out. ALL the places the cats hang out. Because in 2 weeks, the eggs, which the spray doesn't kill and the vacuum doesn't always pick up, will hatch. Fleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaas!!!11!111!!!1! #14 - Posted by: jean on March 29, 2005 02:15 AMyou really want to get rid of the fleas? one word: Napalm. #15 - Posted by: puschmj on March 29, 2005 02:41 AM--Do not give your fleas names. Flea is, in fact, the BASS player for the Chili Peppers. A bass is similar to drums except that when you bang on it with a stick, it makes a God-awful noise not even closely resembling rythm. Other than that, they're exactly the same. No, I don't have to work at being like this, it's completely normal. Congrats Frank J & Sarah-soon-to-be-J! #17 - Posted by: Jim S on March 29, 2005 02:34 PMDog fucking Post a comment
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