Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck, and I'm here to share the news.

The passing of the Pope has touched millions worldwide. Now, the funeral preparations are getting underway as they prepare to receive leaders from around the world.

President Bush will be attending, because he’s President. Bill Clinton might attend because he met the Pope several times, and John Kerry wants to attend because he served in Vietnam.

The interesting part is that the College of Cardinals will be voting for a new Pope. It should go smoothly, provided things don’t get screwed up by the Cardinal from Ohio.

Thankfully, Jimmy Carter will be there to ensure that no funny business takes place.

There are no leading candidates at this point.

However, Zogby Polling stated that in order to win the office, the winning candidate must poll well among Cardinals who are Catholic.

Normally, the voting is done by secret ballot. This election, they’ll be using voting machines from America. So I guess if the machines really are rigged, our next Pope could be George Bush!! (With 1% for Ralph Nader)

The President recently awarded the first Congressional Medal of Honor of the Iraq war.

Army Sgt. First Class Paul Ray Smith died defending his men and saved many lives. His 11 year old son was honored to accept the award on his dad’s behalf.

And following the long standing Army tradition, the young boy then stepped out to celebrate by getting stewed, screwed, and tattooed.

Have you heard about this one? A group has set a goal of creating $100 laptops with the intent of sending them out to less fortunate countries.

This is actually a worthwhile project. Let’s send these people emails of support.

Also let’s remind them of the important nations out there who could benefit from this: Harveyville, Monkonia, and Ducky-stan.

This is a good idea as long as these poor families also have other amenities such as food, shelter, and clothing.

Nothing is worse than a starving kid with carpal tunnel.

Aaaah, Laptops. Uniting the World through pornography.

Here’s a surprising survey. Young teens that having oral sex – isn’t really sex.

Which explains some of their other beliefs: dropping out of school isn’t really like giving up your future.

No really. They did this survey and found out that, for many kids, sex is defined only has intercourse. They don’t consider oral sex to be sexual activity at all.

This has led to an amazing new development: Lots of young guys cruising for girls who Want To Have No Sex.

Well, what do you know? Bill Clinton was right. He did NOT have sex with that woman.

Al Gore has announced that he will be helping to launch a new TV network. The Current Network will cater to the 18-34 year old demographic.

This is so exciting, this is going to make Public Broadcasting look like Public Access.

One of the key people on this project is the founder of Google. This is weird.
The inventor of the Internet working alongside someone who actually invented something.

Why Al? Because he’s just like the potential audience. Young and hip.
Also, young people really seem to like trees.

Speaking of hip and exciting, a huge fight broke out at a recent Kanye West concert.

What’s wrong with young people today? Can’t they appreciate good music?

The incident happened while Kanye was performing his hit single – “I’m gonna beat you down and bust a cap in your @ass.”

Too.

Much.

Violence.

What's happened to you, Rap Music? Now it’s all about the violence. You used to be about the ho's.

In Germany, so many dog owners neglect to pick up after their pooches, that they are considering creating a DNA database of doggie doodie– this way they could track down offending dogs.

Man, I would just love to see a pet owner challenge that kind of evidence in court.

“Your honor. I tell you that the DNA evidence points to my dog.. but I have an important revelation…

DA DA DUUUUMM.

Fade out.

The position of data base coordinator could be an important one. Thankfully, realizing the political potential they had an applicant.

“I’m John Kerry. And I’m reporting for doodie.”

**

Thanks, that's all. Do you have an interesting newsbit? Please email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.

What made you laugh? Post in comments.

• Currently 2.75/5
• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

News Round-Up
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | Stumble It!