Hello,

Welcome. Welcome.

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

President Bush will be attending the Popes funeral along with Bill Clinton and George Sr.

Why no Jimmy Carter on this visit?

There was no room on the plane, even considering that he offered to bring his own peanuts.

That’s sad. Was Jimmy snubbed?

“Hi Jimmy. It’s Dubya. No, I’m not calling to invite you to the funeral. We already have a token Democrat. Hey, the Oval Office needs some new sheetrock. Can you help us out?”

Some speculate that Carter was snubbed, but really -it was for security reasons. Jimmy is 2,478th in the line of succession.

They didn't want to take any chances.

In New Jersey, the government held a massive Terror Training exercise.

It was totally realistic.

Rescue people practiced removing people from rubble, paramedics trained on emergency procedures, and the press practiced blaming President Bush.

It was so realistic, Osama made another video claiming credit.

Reader Babaganoosh gave us this next item. (BTW, next time, email the item so I can get your URL for a hat tip – hint-still not too late)

A Burmese woman is breast feeding a set of tiger cubs that are no longer with their mommy tiger.

The woman also has a 7 month old baby and offered to help the cubs.

Experts suspect the baby is picking up some tiger mannerisms. Just last week he was found jumping through a ring of fire.

This rekindles the ages old debate – tiger formula versus breastfeeding.

Actually, it’s not so bad. The tiger cubs don’t have any sharp teeth yet.

However, it does get a little difficult when she needs to get them to burp.

My queston is: What makes a woman do this? What is she – a REFRESHMENT stand? This is the kind of woman who stands by the side of the road...

"WHO'S THIRSTY? WHO'S THIRSTY. STEP RIGHT UP!!"
"Lady, what are you doing!!?"
"What's it look like? Can I offer you some breast milk?"

And she stays there all morning long, not letting any of the runners enjoy the marathon.

Many groups have protested a government website that promotes abstinence.
They say that it’s wrong for the government to promote a value. Unless it's abortion, homosexual tolerance, tolerance of anything....

We’ll see how this one plays out.

Some other sad news.

ABC’s Peter Jennings has announced that he has lung cancer. He sent a memo saying that he will be undergoing chemotherapy – and apologized saying he’ll have days when he’s cranky and days when he’s very cranky.

Which is just what America needs – a reporter who can blame the drugs.

So remember, kids, smoking can causse you disease. Don’t smoke. Oh, wait – is that endorsing a value?

Never mind. Smoke up, kids. Uncle Sam needs the tax revenue.

The US Border Patrol is complaining about the Minutemen stationed along the Arizona border.

Turns out that they keep tripping a lot of the sensors. This causes the alarms to keep going off at the main station.

That's tough. It’s been ages since they’ve had a good night’s sleep.

Baseball has returned to Washington DC. Their new team, the Washington Nationals started off their baseball season against the Phillies.

Washington locals aren’t used to baseball. To them, it’s weird watching a wealthy man scratch his OWN groin.

There are too many politicians in DC. The press wasn't sure what to do when somebody finally stepped up to the plate.

DC is the only place where a baseball report says: "And he hit a homerun, completely overlooking the idea of bipartisan support."

But things are moving.

The big hit was the opening day promotional giveaway – Leftover Steroids.

Michael Jackson trial is moving along, and MJ might be in trouble.

A former housekeeper testified that she once saw Michael in the shower with a seven year old boy.

Maybe parents simply MISHEARD Jackson when he said, “Sure, bring the kids over- I’ll WASH them.”

What did they THINK he was saying?

This also explains that mystery song on his last album – “Will you be my Scrubby Buddy”

Oh, and some really good stuff here.

Scientists are working on a bionic eye

For now, it has very low resolution, but scientists think they can they rebuild it better, and stronger than before –

They can also add that cool bionic sound effect.

Dooo doooo dooo dooo doo

**

Thanks. As always, I can't hear you laugh. Let me know what got a chuckle out of you.

• Currently 1.83/5
• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5
• 6
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

News Round-Up
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | Stumble It!