About IMAO

Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!

Buy funniest book ever!

IMAO Podcasts
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

About Frank J.

Frank J.
Cadet Happy
Laurence Simon

Popular Categories
Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other Content
Ode to Violence
Brief Histories
IMAO Audio Bits

Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Peace Gallery
Search IMAO
Web www.imao.us
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck
SarahK & Cadet Happy snark TV
This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts


April 08, 2005
Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher
Posted by Harvey at 11:04 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (12)

Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher
(A Filthy Lie)

8am, University of Tennessee: A thoroughly hung-over Glenn Reynolds staggers into a classroom to begin the day...

(see extended entry)

GLENN: Good morning class. Your regular teacher, Ms. Biddy, looked at me like a hobo when she passed me in the hall yesterday, so I murdered her. Now, because UT professors all have a "Santa Clause" in their contracts, that means I have to teach her Women's History class today. Unfortunately, I had a few too many puppy-coladas last night, so I'm not at my peak. If you have any questions, please whisper them now and then shut the hell up... Yes... you in the "Women need men like a fish needs a bicycle" T-shirt.

FISH GIRL: Why should we listen to you? You're a man. You can't possibly have a valid opinion on anything relating to women.

GLENN: Excellent question - if a bit shrill. Truth is, I know a LOT about women, since I'm part of the dominant male hegemony & actually coined the phrase "barefoot & pregnant"... which is how every one of you bimbos in this classroom would be right now if'n I had my way! However, out of respect for the late Ms. Clinton...

FISH GIRL: You mean Ms. Biddy.

GLENN: No name calling... anyway, I'm keeping my opinions to myself today. I've gone to an objective and woman-oriented source for all the information in today's lecture - www.miss-ogyny.com - and I believe that's the same Gloria Ogyny who wrote the feminist manifesto "Apart From the Sanitation, Medicine, Education, Wine, Public Order, Irrigation, Roads, a Fresh Water System, and Public Health, What Have Men Ever Done for Us?"... Or it might be her sister... I don't know. All you broads kinda blur together after a while.... The point is, everything I'm going to teach today is at least as accurate as CBS News.

FISH GIRL: But you're a man - and therefore evil!

GLENN: A - shrill again, B - my evilness stems more from my thirst for puppy shakes than from gender issues. Besides, in preparation for today's lecture I had a bitch smoothie, so I'm as in touch with my feminine side as I'm going to get.... Now... any more questions? Preferably quiet ones...

FISH GIRL: Is this going to be on the test?

GLENN: Yes it will. And I'll be handing out a sheet with all the information from my lecture on it so you'll be able to pass the test easily. Except I'm going to flunk you out of spite because you're prettier than me, even though you ARE a hairy-legged lesbian.

Now - to the lesson: WOMEN IN HISTORY

* The first woman was Eve, who was invented by God about 6000 years ago after an incident where Adam almost drowned while trying to mate with a mermaid.

* After Eve ate the forbidden fruit, God punished her by giving her a menstrual cycle. Adam's punishment was having to put up with Eve's mood swings.

* Women spent the next 5000 years scrapbooking, and thus accomplished nothing of note, outside of occasionally being barefoot & pregnant.

* Ok, Mary's pregnancy with Jesus is worth noting, but outside of that - ZIPPO!

* More scrapbooking. Move along. Nothing to see here.

* Joan of Arc defeated the British at the Battle of Orleans, but was later put to death at the hands of Xena, Warrior Princess during a "Hot Babes in Armor" competition.

* After gaining fame from creating the first American flag, Betsy Ross opened a scrapbooking store, which gave the women something to do while their husbands won the Revolutionary war.

* In 1784, Hannah Adams became the first woman to make a living as a professional writer, with such best-sellers as "The Proper Woman's Guide to Marital Submission" and "Honey, It Wouldn't Kill Ya to Lose a Few Pounds".

* 1881 - Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross after discovering how funny it was to make her husband scream in pain while poking at his wounds.

* 1916 - Montana elected its first female US House Representative, whose first act was to propose a change to House rules allowing bills to be voted on by saying "AYE" or "NAY" instead of using belching contests.

* 1924 - Texas elected its first female Governor, whose legacy includes making "YEE-HAW!" the official State Motto, and armadillos the official State Roadkill.

* 1935 - Pearl S. Buck became the first woman to win a Nobel Prize for literature for her epic novel "Debbie Does Dallas".

* 1947 - Georgia Clark became the first female US Treasurer. She was forced to resign in disgrace a month later in the scandalous aftermath of instructing the IRS to no longer allow hookers to be deducted as a business expense - a move that nearly crippled the shakily-recovering post-war economy.

* 1981 - Sandra Day O'Connor was appointed to the US Supreme Court, thus putting an end to the Constitutional separation of Scrapbooking and State.

* Nothing but scrapbooking since then.

GLENN: Ok, that's the lesson. Any questions?

FISH GIRL: That's the most putrid, revolting pile of crap I've ever heard anyone spout!... Which is really saying something, since I used to date Andrew Dice Clay. You're a disgusting chauvanistic pig! How that hell do you sleep at night?

GLENN: Naked on a pile of money that I earned from personal injury suit contingency fees, why?

FISH GIRL: OO! MONEY! Say, how 'bout I stop by your office after class for a little... "extra credit"?

GLENN: Depends. How do you look in a latex penguin suit?

FISH GIRL: Like hot, sexy magic.

GLENN: ... WELL!... I think that should about do it for today. Just remember, girls, that the history books are still being written, and there's no reason that every one of you can't accomplish something to earn your place in them. After all, the world still awaits its first female, puppy-blending, blogospheric overlordette. Perhaps one of YOU will be the one who finally gets to say:


Rating: 2.2/5 (21 votes cast)

Filthy Lies
Email This | Add to del.icio.us | Digg this | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!

Buy IMAO T-Shirts

IMAO T-Shirts

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Yay! Books!

By Category
American Idol
Barackalypse Now
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Election 2008
Filthy Lies
Frank Answers
Frank Discussions
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Friday Cat-Blogging
Fun Trivia
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
ignis fatuous
IMAO Condensed
IMAO Exclusives
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Reviews
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Michael Moore
Mitt Romney Ads
News Round-Up
Newsish Fakery
No, McCain't
Our Military
Permalink Contest
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Profiles
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Simpsons Trivia
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
Yvonne's Ashes
By Month
December 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
March 1933