April 10-16 is National Library Week, which is being celebrated across America despite the fact that it blatantly discriminates against illiterates & LiveJournal bloggers.

However, I believe that this is an important event, because without it, I wouldn't have an excuse to make up (in the extended entry) these:

* Much like the internet, libraries are grand repositories of human knowlegde, except with a lot less porn.

* Library books are arranged on the shelves according to the Dewey Decimal System, which replaced the unwieldy Library of Congress classification system and which was named after Donald Duck's nephew, who invented it.

* Ironically, Dewey was illiterate.

* He was also pantsless, adding further irony, since book-reading nerds never get laid.

* Food and drink are not allowed in libraries. Intravenous drugs are fine, though.

* Although being a librarian appears - to the untrained eye - to be a very simple job, it's actually a difficult career requiring a 4-year degree in pantsless duckology.

* In order to best preserve their books, libraries must maintain a constant level of 0% humidity. This is why the most experienced librarians are always withered old crones who look like they've been in the possession of the One Ring of Power for a couple centuries.

* Your library card contains sensitive personal information that terrorists covet. If anyone tries to look at your library card, shoot them.

* If this happens inside the library, use a silencer so as to not disturb other patrons.

* Libraries carry large-print editions of books for the visually impaired. Don't read them or you'll go blind.

* You shouldn't do anything else in a library that'll make you go blind, either. Which is why libraries don't have as much porn as the internet.

* Libraries usually have one small section of books that are written in foreign languages. Since you have no way of knowing what they actually say, you should burn these in case they contain information useful to terrorists or foreigners.

* Libraries have bookmobiles which will come right to your door. This is very convenient if you need to hijack a vehicle for a multi-state crime spree.

* If you've ever wondered what it's like to be in a ticker-tape parade, you can find out by going to a library and blowing it up. WHEEEEE! Flying paper!

* Although rarely seen by non-employees, a library's basement contains non-circulating items, such as rare first-edition novels and the severed heads of people who don't return their books on time.

* Libraries also loan out video tapes, so you can avoid movie-rental fees and STILL enjoy such classics as "Gone With the Wind", "It's a Wonderful Life", and "The Tonya Harding Wedding Video".

* I never said libraries didn't have ANY porn.

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