Taxes are due Friday. I still haven't done mine, but I have my CPA fiancée to help me get it done and submitted online. Others aren't so lucky, and thus I sent my crack research team to find out as much as they can about taxes.

FUN FACTS ABOUT TAXES

* Taxes strike violently without notice at the exact same time each year.

* A lot of people get excited when they get some of the money back that the government had been taking from their paychecks all year; this is a bit like if there was a robber who kept breaking in and stealing your stuff each week, and you got all excited when, after a year, he brings back your T.V.

* Some people don't calculate things right and have to voluntarily hand over their stereo to the robber when he visits after a year.

* If you find yourself surrounded by taxes thirsting for your blood and see no escape, try declaring bankruptcy.

* There's a place on the tax form where you can declare all your illegal earnings. I think that's a trick.

* Income tax was unconstitutional until the 16th amendment was passed with the vote of two thirds of the states and the blessing of Satan.

* It is unknown what tortures in hell those who voted for the 16th amendment are currently receiving, but they better be pretty horrible.

* It is illegal to kill an I.R.S. agent and constitutes a huge fine - but the fine is tax deductible.

* The I.R.S. headquarters is a cursed place built on an ancient Indian burial ground. It's filled with spirits, but they barely ever make any disturbances since most are trying to hide from the death tax.

* In a fight between Aquaman and taxes, the I.R.S. would seize Aquaman's kingdom in Atlantis and put it up for auction. It would then be bought by his arch nemesis - BLACK MANTA!!!

* They say that the only two things certain in life are death and taxes. They're usually also preferred in that order.

* The government takes money out of each paycheck because, if once a year everyone actually had to write a check for their income tax, there would be a huge riot. I want all my money each paycheck and a cool riot!

* Before reforms, when dealing with the I.R.S. you were considered guilty until proven innocent. Also, the I.R.S. is the only government agency with the authority to murder your family on mere suspicion of wrong doing.

* Taxes attack without mercy or remorse. They cannot be stopped by bullets or fire.

* Hiding sometimes works.

* Unless you go buy some gum; then sales tax will find you.

* Taxes are so unstoppable and attack so swiftly, they cannot even be dodged by a ninja!

* The best way to avoid taxes is being a hobo... though certain high-trafficked bloggers may try to murder you.

* If you're stuck in a room and see only two doors in it - one leading to taxes and the other to vicious biting monkeys - use an ax to hack your way out of the room.

* Oh yeah; always carry an ax on you if you're afraid of taxes and monkeys.

* If taxes are after you, don't try praying to God for help because He's currently dodging omnipotence tax.

* On the plus side, taxes are what brought down Al Capone. They also killed Hitler.

* When Jesus was asked about taxes, He said, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's." Now, he'd probably just avoid Caesar altogether through some non-profit organization.

* The tax code is the largest, most complex set of written material in the history of the universe. At its current rate of growth, it will block out the sun by 2067 and plunge us into eternal winter. On the other hand, there will be a few new deductions for mortgage interest.

* Democrats like taxes, but claim they only want to tax the rich (that's how income tax started). If you see a Democrat, lock him in a crate and throw it in the sea so he won't raise your taxes.

* The best way to avoid taxes is to lie in a ditch and curl up into a fetal position. It's only two days until taxes are due, though, so it's probably too late to find a good ditch that isn't already taken.

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Know Thy Enemy
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