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April 13, 2005
RWD's News Round-Up, Wednesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:40 PM | View blog reactions | Comments (8)


I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

Sorry for the late posting today. I got home late last night and never had the chance to catch up. You know, it's tough juggling all these responsibilities. I struggle to be a good dad, a loving husband, and a hard working “little Eichmann.”

I’m working later hours just so I can afford the essentials of life- gasoline!!

Gas is getting expensive and it's starting to hurt an already aching airline industry. I'm lucky. I recently bagged a bargain airfare.

Of course, there was a catch. Half of us had to distract the neighboring American Airlines plane by doing the "chicken dance" on the tarmac, while the other half siphoned out its jet fuel.

In all fairness, we were given extra mints. Distracting is hard work.

Some students from Purdue have scored a major prize for the third year in a row. The Rube Goldberg contest this year had a goal: to create a device that changes the batteries in a flashlight and do it in as many steps as possible. Their winning project had 125 steps to it!!

It was touch and go at the beginning; when they realized their kit didn't include the batteries.

So they went to neighboring MIT team and started doing the "chicken dance"....

Amazing. 125 steps to complete a single task, or as the IRS would call it – the Short Form.

Interestingly enough, that is not the world record. The all time record is held by John Kerry who took 759 steps to explain if he supported the Iraq War.

Well, 760 if you count yesterday, but he’s on crutches – so that might call for an asterisk or something.

As you know, Republican consultant, Arthur Finkelstein is gay.


What? You want more? Okay. Okay.

Arthur is helping gather funds for the Defeat Hillary campaign. Bill Clinton does not like this and has said that Mr. Finkelstein suffers from “Self Loathing.”

Perhaps if Finkelstein applies himself and the Principles of Bill, he can one day reach Bill’s level- Self Pleasure.

BTW, if there so many people out there who indeed are gay, then why do liberals hate it when one of them turns out to be conservative? Aren’t there plenty to go around?

If the Republicans can find one more gay conservative to you know what we’d have? DIVERSITY!!!

John Edwards went off on a rant recently stating that Hillary is not the frontrunner for 2008 and that he’s still a good candidate.

He’s getting cocky over that one little electoral vote- which was cast by accident.

Or should I say 'Ewards" – since the Elector spelled the name wrong.

One Electoral Vote! One!! I haven't seen that much false overconfidence since Saddam Hussein snagged an extra fruit cup.

Needless to say, Hillary is not happy that so many oppose her for the Presidency which she assures us she really doesn’t want and who the hell are you to keep her from being president again – I mean, one day.

Camel racing is big in the Arab Emirates. It’s like NASCAR without all the endorsement stickers stuck everywhere!!

Camel racing is going to have some big changes coming – The Robot Jockey.

For years, human rights organizations have protested the use of children as Jockeys. So they tried out some Robot Jockeys and the royal family was pleased with the demonstration.

Of course, we never know if this drastic a change will last long term. I can just see them trying to sneak kids back into the races.

Red Cross: I was watching that race and that sir is no robot! Bring that over here!!
Prince Abdul: Of course it’s a robot, don’t you see? It’s all shiny and everything.
Red Cross: This is a boy in a C3PO costume!
Prince Abdul: I respectfully disagree. This is a genuine android. Top of the line.
Red Cross: Look at his costume. It says right there: Star Wars!!
Abudl: Yes. Um. Er. That is our sponsor?

Bush is entertaining Ariel Sharon at his ranch in Texas. They seem to get along great.They started becoming friends ever since President Bush stopped saying, “Tee hee. Sharon – that’s a girl’s name.”

The Prez is quite the considerate host. Sharon was homesick so Bush took one of the cabins and had it bulldozed.

Of course, many were shocked by this including the Secret Service, the ranch manager, and the Ambassador of Burkastan – who at the time was inside the cabin.

Chinese protesters got violent and went on a rampage against the Japanese embassy. They were furious at the recent edition of Japanese history textbooks and the downplaying of Japanese violence during World War II.

After the rampage, protesters gathered to celebrate in Tiananmen Square, or as the Chinese call it -Happy Happy Sunshine Place.

China and India have come to an important treaty. Do you know why? Because even China -with it's girl killing, leg stretching, Taiwan threatening faults understands the importance of one little thing...SECURING YOUR BORDERS!!

Britney Spears has finally admitted to America what we already knew....she’s pregnant.

In an interview with a 10 year old for her school paper the little reporter said “It's good you told us before your water broke.”

Britney responded, “Aren’t you cute? I have to tell you sweetheart- water is soft – it doesn’t break.”

Her new reality show is now going to have such a real dimension. We are so going to be able to relate to her. Like when she’s shopping and she can’t figure out if she should buy the entire boys department, or the entire girls department. I feel her pain.

Music labels are trying to figure out how to deal with the problem of college students downloading music for free. Now, the Industry is in NO WAY out of touch with the needs of young people. That is NOT the reason why CD sales are down. We can only blame music downloading software.

Music sales should improve soon. Britney is coming out with a new single –“Me reading my grocery list.” It’s available at record stores for $19.99 or free by illegal download.

In other news, Britney’s label announced the signing of a new superstar!!

They haven’t heard him sing, but they think he’ll be very popular. So keep an ear out for the music of - Ron Mexico.

If you're a regular reader you'll get that one. :)


That's all.

What made you laugh? Post in comments.

Rating: 2.8/5 (23 votes cast)

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